Thursday, October 11, 2012

Birdland Bulletin: Reverse Jinx

REVERSE JINX (n): A prediction, which is the opposite of the outcome, desired by the person making it.  Phrase is mainly used in a sporting context.

I love when people use the reverse jinx and think it will have an impact.  I myself have never used it, but merely chuckled from a far. Then again the Orioles need some serious MOJO, and I’m fresh out of chickens to sacrifice, so maybe this is my only avenue.  I would rather find out that my parents are swingers and that I am actually adopted than write the words I have to write, but trust me when I say this folks, this is necessary.

Take everything I say here with a keg full of salt…

There is no chance the Orioles can bounce back after last night’s crushing defeat at the arthritic hands of aaRpaul Ibanez.  A loss like that busts your guts, breaks your heart, and crushes your soul.  Oh, and it broke the Orioles will to compete. They will come out flat tonight because they are simply so emotionally taxed from last night’s Brutality in the Bronx.

The pitching matchup is so ridiculous it hurts.  Phil Hughes is so consistent and will probably shove it up Birdland’s butts tonight with a dominating 8-inning performance.  We may eek out 2 seeing-eye-singles, but that will be all.  Phil Hughes is so lights out it’s not even funny, not to mention he is 2-0 with a 1.59 ERA in his career in the ALDS.  And with the way our bats are going right now he will undoubtedly improve to 3-0. 

Joe Saunders is pitching for the Orioles? No way he pitches the way he did in Texas when he exercised some personal demons and locked down the Rangers.  His veteran experience will play no factor at all tonight at Yankee$ $tadium. 

As for the Yankee$ lineup, Joe Saunders is just OVERMATCHED! Derek Jeter has a  bone bruise? What bone bruise? We will all be fortunate enough to witness yet another gritty, gutsy, and clutch performance from the greatest captain in all of sports.

I doubt Ichiro gets out tonight.

A-Rod will break out of his slump with a casual 4-4 day including two home runs, one of which will be a grand slam. Nine RBI’s total.

For Cano, see Ichiro.

Teixeira is still a horse-faced retard. Somebody’s gotta get out so it may as well as be this hack.

Swisher, Granderson, Martin, and Ibanez will look more like Mantle, DiMaggio, Munson, and Ruth.
The Orioles batters are in a collectively ill-timed slump.  Hardy, Jones, Wieters, Thome, and Reynolds have fewer hits than the Baha Men, The Proclaimers, and Chumbawumba combined.  Expect that to continue.  There is no way these talented professional hitters will break out of their slumps, especially now that their backs are against the wall.

All of a sudden Jim Johnson has been leakier than underwear made of Lindsey Lohan’s alibis.  He bounced back from Game 1’s abortion, but last night was a crippling blow to the Orioles closer.  Even though he retired the next five batters after Raul’s shot heard round the sewer Bronx, JJ is clearly shuck to his core.  Luckily for him he will not be called upon tonight because the Yankee$ will probably be up 16-2 by the 6th inning.

Shame on us Orioles fans for thinking we could go toe to toe with the New York Yankee$ in a best of five series.  They have better players at literally every position.  Even their ticket ushers have exuded confidence and charisma.  There’s just something magical about those pinstripes that inspire greatness in everyone it touches. 

Thanks to all of the Yankee$ fans who have littered social media with their applause of the Orioles effort and how great it is for baseball to have the Baltimore Orioles back in the fold.  Your humility and candor is in a world by itself, much like the New York Yankee$ as a franchise.  You are not condescending at all; trust me when I say everyone in Birdland sincerely thanks your approval of our 2012 season.  Hopefully we can attempt to breath the same rarified air as you next season, because this year is all but over.

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