Sunday, August 28, 2011

Devin Thomas: An Expose on Awful

by Ben

Is Devin Thomas serious? Did he really just say that? Remember him? He was that guy who was a 2nd round pick of the Redskins in 2008 yet couldn’t even make the team in his third season? This guy understood offensive playbooks as well as Sammy Sosa understands the English language.   George Clooney stays in relationships longer than Devin Thomas stays on NFL rosters, I mean seriously this guy got cut twice last year.   Even Randy Moss thinks this guy needs to figure out how to stay on a team.  

In the NFL there is a common trend where a wide receiver’s third season tends to be his breakout season, yet Devin Thomas decided to take the opposite approach and get cut by two teams in his 3rd season.  It’s not Devin Thomas’s fault he was drafted in the 2nd round by Vinny Cerrato because Cerrato judges talent about as well as Dan Snyder judges character.  But it is Devin Thomas’s fault for falling asleep in meetings, showing up late, giving half ass efforts in practice, and not committing himself to learning a pro style offense.  All of those factors are on Devin Thomas, and no one else.  

You may be asking why in the world am I calling out the 7th or 8th string wide receiver on the New York Giants?  Well it’s quite simple, this complete waste of space had the balls to call the Redskins the “Deadskins” when fielding a question about whether or not he would even make the Giants.  

So on behalf of the Washington REDskins (I see that Michigan State education worked out real well for ya Dev) I would like to apologize to Devin Thomas.  I would like to apologize to Devin for letting the team meetings impede his nap times.  The Redskins really should have explained to Devin that you need to stay awake and pay attention in meetings in order to become a better receiver.  That’s on the front office, I guess.  Also, the Redskins are sorry Devin for assuming you were worthy of a 2nd round pick and putting such lofty expectations upon you.  I mean it must’ve felt like you had Kirstie Alley on your shoulders, but don’t worry because now that you are the 7th wide receiver on the Giants I think it is safe to say there are no more expectations for you.  

Rather than going on and on about how big of a disappointment and what a waste of a draft choice Devin Thomas was I’m just going to cut this short and list the other receivers drafted the same year as Mr. DT and let you be the judge.  

Devin Thomas, 34th overall pick: 31 games played. 40 receptions. 445 yards. 3 touchdowns. Released by the Washington Redskins, and the Carolina Panthers.  

Donnie Avery, 33rd overall pick, St. Louis Rams: 31 games played.  100 receptions.  1,263 yards.
8 touchdowns.  

 Jordy Nelson, 36th pick, Green Bay Packers.  45 games played.  100 catches.  1,268 yards.  6 touchdowns. 

Eddie Royal, 42nd overall pick, Denver Broncos: 45 games played.  187 receptions.  1,952 yards.
8 touchdowns.

Desean Jackson, 49th overall pick, Philadelphia Eagles: 45 games played.  171 receptions.  3, 124 yards. 
17 touchdowns.

Earl Bennett, 70th overall pick, Chicago Bears: 40 games played.  100 receptions.  1,278 yards.
5 touchdowns.

Early Doucet,  81st overall pick, Arizona Cardinals:  26 games played.  57 receptions.  595 yards.
2 touchdowns.

Harry Douglas, 84th overall pick, Atlanta Falcons: 32 games played.  45 receptions.  614 yards. 
2 touchdowns. 

QUICK SIDEBAR:  Is it me or does Harry Douglas sound like one of those dirty things a guy might do to a chick in the sack.  You know like the “Dirty Sanchez” or the “Cleveland Steamer”. 
For example…
Bro #1: Hey man how’d last night go with that girl from the bar?
Bro #2: Dude she was a freak! We went back to my place, one thing led to another, and I totally pulled off the “Harry Douglas!”
Bro #1: NO WAY DUDE! You sick bastard!
Bro #2: Damn right.

But I digress…

Mario Manningham, 95th overall pick, New York Giants: 37 games played.  121 receptions.  1,792 yards.  14 touchdowns.

Andre “Ochosiete” Caldwell, 97th pick, Cincinatti Bengals: 38 games played.  87 receptions.  855 yards. 
3 touchdowns.

Josh Morgan, 174th pick, San Francisco 49ers:  44 games played.  116 receptions.  1,544 yards. 
8 touchdowns. 

Pierre Garcon, 205th pick, Indianapolis Colts:  42 games played.  118 receptions.  1,572 yards. 
10 touchdowns.

Stevie Johnson, 224th pick, Buffalo Bills: 32 games played.  94 receptions.  1, 185 yards.  10 touchdowns.
Stevie had 82 receptions, 1,073 yards, and 10 touchdowns last season.  In other words Stevie Johnson broke out like Pizza Face’s face from All That. 

Chaz Schillens, 226th pick, Oakland Raiders:  29 games played.  49 receptions.  631 yards.  5 touchdowns.

Davone Bess, Undrafted Free Agent, Miami Dolphins: 48 games played.  209 receptions.  2,132 yards. 
8 touchdowns.

So in summation, Chaz Schillens has better career statistics than Devin Thomas.  Chaz Schillens. That’s all you need to know folks.  

This picture was found on Vinny Cerrato's cell phone.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Ripken, McNabb, Snyder: Washington Redskins Wide Receivers

A few weeks back we debuted the rules and regulations for “Ripken,McNabb, Snyder” a.k.a. the DMV version of the legendary road trip game, “Marry, F#ck, Kill.”  In that initial post we laid out the ground rules and who epitomized these categories as it relates to D.C. Sports.  Certain times call for expansion or contraction of the idea, and this particular post is the former.  

The NFL offseason was condensed into a three day free for all that can only be compared to a Steven Adler-esque bender.  In those three days we saw our beloved Washington Skinnies sign Barry Cofield, Stephen Bowen, and more wide receivers than Antonio Cromartie has illegitimate children (Correct us if we’re wrong, but we think the count is as at 8, A.C.).  Eh who are we kidding, everyone knows you don’t know the real number. We thought what better way to breakdown this preseason wide receiver battle than to pop the “Ripken, McNabb, Snyder” cherry.

Ripken: This is a guy who has a great future ahead in burgundy and gold.  He is a guy who came out of nowhere, bursted onto the scene, and was one of the 2.5 good things that happened with this ball club in 2010.  This is none other than second year wide receiver, Anthony Armstrong.  AA is 28 years old, and can be compared to that chick that was always cute but never got the attention from guys she truly deserved. She then turned into an absolute dime when she hit that 27-28 year mark, and spent the next five years exploiting her new found hotness leaving broken hearts in her wake.  Now in her mid 30’s she is ready to settle down with a wealthy unattractive lawyer in Mclean.  Armstrong will never be a number 1, but he will be that solid number 2 for the next 5-6 years.  Do you as a loyal fanbase take this super fast and talented wide out to be your Ripken? We do.

McNabb: We collectively let out a heavy sigh of sadness when we began writing this section.  Back in 2008, we were in the back of the team bus on a 3 hour drive through the shit towns of Pennsylvania when we heard the news Malcolm Kelly slid to the Skins in the 2nd round of the NFL Draft.  High fives were exchanged, hugs were given, and thoughts of this 6’5 gazelle snatching touchdowns and running glorious flag patterns were in our future.  If only the games were played in our heads, and Malcolm Kelly’s hamstrings weren’t made of Bill Cosby’s favorite afterdinner delight. Kelly’s career has been one hamstring pull after another thus never allowing him to reach his on field potential.  It seemed like a good idea at the time, but when we woke up in the morning and found that hippo in our bed, it was clear this just was not going to work out.  Sorry Malcolm, when we asked for your number the morning after and it looked like we were putting that number into our phone, we were really just playing Angry Birds.

Snyder: Donte Stallworth. This one’s pretty obvious. An eye for an eye motherfucker.

Campbell: After bursting onto the scene last year as a rookie and as a dynamic kick returner, Brandon Banks has been slowed with a bum knee this preseason.  The options for his 2011 season are varying between release, IR, or a super reduced role on special teams.  If there is a guy in need of a pity bang, its “B-Squared”.  He’s that girl that you take to the sack, give her the “old 1-2 how do ya do”, and she’ll get her confidence back and figure it all out.  Banks quickly became a fan favorite, and it would be a shame if he were lost on a count of having a dreaded case of the Malcolm Kelly’s.  

Now is the portion where we will introduce two next sections designed specifically for this article.  The first one is the Livan Hernandez, who we figure is that old reliable booty call that you know you can text at any point of the night and she will come on over.  In the words of Johnny Drama, this chick can’t spell NO!  Livan is a steady horse who eats innings and takes the mound every five days.  His health is never in question even though he is a bit on the husky side.  The player on the Redskins’ wide receiver depth chart who epitomizes this is Santana Moss.  Santana is this guy because he is the only person in the NFL who was happy to sign with the Redskins this offseason.  He has the confidence that this team can be a contender soon just like that chick has the confidence that you’ll eventually settle down with her.  I think I like the Skins chances better than Booty Call Betty’s.  Santana is a reliable target for quarterbacks, much like this girl is reliable to answer your drunken texts at 2:47 AM with a “see ya soon! ;)”

The final section is a bit of wrinkle.  WARNING: This could rub you the wrong way.  Does anyone remember the starting first basemen for the 2005 Washington Nationals? That was a rhetorical question to which most of you hopefully answered “no.”  The answer was Wil Cordero who logged some years in the Bigs, but is most known for one night when he got home from the ball park all liquored up and decided to go all Ike Turner on his wife.  We absolutely under no circumstances condone raising a hand to any female…EVER. However, if you are to raise your hand to a professional receiver on the Redskins, might we suggest Leonard Hankerson.  This guy has so much talent, that Jonathan Lipnicki is jealous.  However, in his two preseason games, HankTime has more dropped balls than a group of 12 year old boys.   Word out of practices is that he sometimes seems lackadaisical and uninterested.  For the record, we think the world of Hankerson and his wealth of talent, but a swift back hand from Shanny or Beckual Thunder couldn’t hurt this guy every now and again. 

Thursday, August 4, 2011

2 Legit 2 Quip: 2011 Washington Redskins

Well it’s not quite Friday yet, but we just couldn’t contain ourselves. The NFL Lockout is over.  The Washington Redskins signed some free agents, and training camp is underway.  The Redskins got rid of Albert Haynesworth, Casey Rabach, Carlos Rogers, and the most disrespected Quarterback in the history of football, Donovan F. McNabb.  There is just one too many storylines for this year’s Redskins team, so we decided it would be best to simplify everything with a few one-liners to make you laugh and ultimately question our sanity.  

The Redskins quarterback situation is borderline laughable.  Rex Grossman and John Beck are expected to duke it our for the starting gig in a QB competition that can only drum up memories Billy vs. Sonny… Oh and did we mention Kellen Clemens is the odds on favorite to hold the clipboard as the number 3 QB on the roster? 

The Washington Redskins Quarterback talent is as deep as a puddle in the Sahara.

I read in one of the local papers that John Beck is “on a mission” to be named the Redskins starting quarterback. Does that mean he won’t be playing for another 2 years?

Rex Grossman has as much poise in the pocket as an 12 year old who just discovered bangbros.

The last time John Beck had “impure thoughts”, they were about the Pink Power Ranger.

The 2011 Washington Redskins are so young, their mothers are driving them to practice.

During the free agency frenzy, the Redskins went on a wide receiver binge on the level of Rory McIlroy after the U.S. Open.   No seriously, they now have 14 wide receivers on their roster.  The biggest signing had to be everyone’s favorite drunk driver, Dante Stallworth…

a.k.a. Dante “That Dude Shouldn’t Have Been Walking on the Highway at 2 am…” Stallworth.

Didn’t like that nickname huh? How about these…

Dante “Maybe You Should Take My Keys” Stallworth.

Dante “I Shoulda Hired Casey Anthony’s Lawyer” Stallworth.

Dante “Everyone Deserves a 4th Chance” Stallworth.

Alright, alright enough with the negativity.  It’s time for us to put the haterade down.   Here are some positives that should get every one of us just a little excited about.

Roy Helu Jr.'s moves are shiftier than Saul Goodman.
Leonard Hankerson's future is so bright even Justin Bieber is jealous.

Trent Williams makes more pancakes than the staff of illegals working in IHOP's kitchen.

Brian Orakpo is so quick, Usain Bolt is asking him for tips.

Brian Orakpo's voice is so deep Barry White rose from the grave just to shake his hand.

Brian Orakpo chases down quarterbacks like Albert Haynesworth chases down the ice cream truck.

Brian Orakpo is such a bad ass that he made Chuck Norris pee his pants.

Brian Orakpo gets off the line faster than Darryl Strawberry's nose...

 LaRon Landry hits so hard, sledgehammers get jealous.

Japan's earthquake was actually aftershocks from LaRon Landry laying out a receiver who dared come over the middle.

Chris Cooley is as reliable on 3rd down as Amy Fisher is at having a mental breakdown on Celebrity Rehab.

Chris Cooley is as reliable on 3rd down as Steven Adler is to be casted for another season of Celebrity Rehab.

...on the flip side....

Santana Moss is as reliable on 3rd down as Lindsey Lohan is at making it 28 days in rehab.

Newly acquired Barry Cofield gets after quarterbacks like Albert gets after a box of Georgetown Cupcakes.

Lost on all of us during the free agency frenzy was the Redskins let former 1st round pick Carlos Rogers leave via free agency.  We like to joke on Carlos Rogers’s inability to catch footballs, but in hindsight he really was a tremendous cover corner and was never fully appreciated.  Even Donovan Mcnabb thought Rogers deserved a lot better from Redskins management, coaches, and us fans.  But that doesn’t mean we don’t have a couple of parting shots for the corner formerly known as “Los.”

Carlos Rogers just signed with the San Francisco 49ers.  Before that he was drawing as much interest as a 4-hour documentary on medieval architecture.

Carlos Rogers just signed with the San Francisco 49ers. If he drops an interception in San Francisco he better not bend over to pick it up.

Carlos Rogers hands are slicker than those of an oiled up cabana Carlos should fit right in in San Francisco.

Carlos Rogers has always had trouble handling one ball…we’ll find out how he handles two in San Francisco.

Carlos Rogers in San Francisco brings new meaning to covering the post.

Albert Haynesworth was traded to the New England Patriots for a 5th round pick.  To that we say good riddance, Fat Al.  Take with you your roid rage, your grabby hands, your lack of worth ethic, your lack of competitive drive, and your overall lack of being a decent human being.  We would be absolutely remissed if we didn’t have anything to say on Dan Snyder’s $100 million dollar mistake.  So here’s to you Albert, the guy who made planking fashionable before planking was planking. 

The most over paid and out of shape player in football was traded for a 5th round pick…Belichick overpaid.

Even Jayson Werth thinks Albert Haynesworth was a complete disaster.

The last time Albert Haynesworth saw his feet, M.C. Hammer had money.

The last time Albert Haynesworth saw his feet, Zack Morris was in detention learning how to trim a bonsai tree.

The last time Albert Haynesworth saw his feet, the Orioles were relevant.

The last time Albert Haynesworth saw his feet, The Backstreet Boys were on the cover of Tiger Beat.

The last time Albert Haynesworth saw his feet, Apple was just a fruit.

Albert Haynesworth will turn down dessert when James Harrison makes a clean tackle.

Albert Haynesworth will turn down dessert when Plaxico Burress puts on the safety.

Albert Haynesworth will turn down dessert when Antonio Cromartie uses a condom.

Albert Haynesworth will turn down dessert when Jeff Reed is the designated driver.

Albert Haynesworth will turn down dessert when Ben Roethlisberger uses the bathroom to only pee.

Albert Haynesworth will turn down dessert when Randy Moss enjoys the catering.

Albert Haynesworth will turn down dessert when Andy Reid does…

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Public Service Announcement: The Shocker

By Ben

I was perusing photo albums on Facebook the other day when I stumbled across a photo of an acquaintance from college.  This was a fairly recent photo in which the said acquaintance was throwing up the "shocker" .  I personally never understood how throwing up the shocker in a picture was deemed cool, but it was understood and accepted while in college.  However, once you've graduated from college it seems like displaying the "two in the pink, one in the stink" seems a bit outdated and overall toolish.  Now I’m certainly not condemning the act of physically placing “two in the gutter, one in the turdcutter”, but displaying the gesture in pictures is played out.  This public service announcement is meant to warn you all against the hazards of continuing to use the shocker, and really just poke fun at anyone who thought it was cool in the first place. 

As indicated earlier it always confused me as to why displaying “two in the goo, one in the poo” was considered a cool thing to do when posing for pictures.  It’s hard to trace back the roots of when presenting the “two in the chalupa, one in the poopah” became fashionable but I know one thing for sure, Mike Vick was still allowed to own dogs.  Some believe it was 2006 which was also around the time when Andy Reid was still considered a good father.  Anyways, pictures started popping up on Facebook, and Myspace in which at first glance, everyone in the picture appeared to be smiling. And then upon further review there would be a guy or two who were publicly displaying “two for the stabbin, one for the cabin”.  For whatever reason, this phenomenon caught on and from frat to frat all across the country shockers began emerging in one too many pictures.  I personally have never been found guilty of proudly throwing up “two in the pocket, one in the chocolate”, and it is probably because I never grasped onto why it was stylish to ruin pictures with the gesture.  Here are a few reasons that I hope can provide some reasoning for why these posterboys of douchbaggery  insist on ruining every picture with their rendition of “two in the juice, one in the deuce.”  Here is a journey inside their brain, proceed with the utmost caution…

      2)      I’m gonna shock this chick!

      5)      I’m a complete twat.

There are only three acceptable excuses for posing with “two in the bush, one in the tush”:

       1)      You are a student, alum, or fan of Arizona State University where their mascot is the Sun Devil.  It is their schools custom to throw up the same hand symbol, but to them it is called “the pitchfork.”

       2)      You are a student, alum, or fan of Wichita State whose mascot happens to be “The Shockers”.  So in a super clever play on words the student sections at most WSU athletic events throw up the shocker in a way of “school pride” (my tongue is in my cheek deeper than a Mark Reynolds home run right now).

       3)      And of course the final excuse for posing with “two in the giney, one in the hiney” is if you’re a girl.  No further explanation is necessary, am I right fellas?

It disturbs me to tell you all that the shocker is still very relevant in society; in fact it didn’t die with those jerkoffs in college.  Unfortunately these said jerkoffs have now entered the working world and have given society the big middle finger by refusing to retire their infamous hand gesture.   

For example: Night out at the bar, throw up the shocker.  Tailgating at a Redskins game, throw up the shocker.  At your nephew’s baptism, throw up the shocker.  

 The shocker may have started with fratastic goombahs, but quickly trickled down to high schoolers, middle schoolers, and yes of course the little tykes still in elementary school.  If I was thinking about hiring a guy to work for my business I would do my due diligence and stalk this candidate’s Facebook profile.  If I saw any picture of him at anytime showing “two in the snapper, one in the crapper” I would immediately crumple up his resume and use it to wipe my stink pot.  I would then proceed to call this guy and inform him that he did not get the job simply because I found a picture of him looking like a complete donk.  So he can take his masters degree, his summa cum laude, and cram them up his cram hole because posing with “two in the humper, one in the dumper” is just not acceptable anytime and anywhere. 

Quite frankly, it’s never been cool to throw up the shocker in a picture and anyone who thinks it’s cool probably also think it’s cool to dress like this.  In either case, at the end of the day, you just look like a complete moron.  Enough is enough fellas.  No, seriously.  The day the shocker is deemed cool again is the day Albert Haynesworth turns down dessert.