Thursday, August 4, 2011

2 Legit 2 Quip: 2011 Washington Redskins

Well it’s not quite Friday yet, but we just couldn’t contain ourselves. The NFL Lockout is over.  The Washington Redskins signed some free agents, and training camp is underway.  The Redskins got rid of Albert Haynesworth, Casey Rabach, Carlos Rogers, and the most disrespected Quarterback in the history of football, Donovan F. McNabb.  There is just one too many storylines for this year’s Redskins team, so we decided it would be best to simplify everything with a few one-liners to make you laugh and ultimately question our sanity.  

The Redskins quarterback situation is borderline laughable.  Rex Grossman and John Beck are expected to duke it our for the starting gig in a QB competition that can only drum up memories Billy vs. Sonny… Oh and did we mention Kellen Clemens is the odds on favorite to hold the clipboard as the number 3 QB on the roster? 

The Washington Redskins Quarterback talent is as deep as a puddle in the Sahara.

I read in one of the local papers that John Beck is “on a mission” to be named the Redskins starting quarterback. Does that mean he won’t be playing for another 2 years?

Rex Grossman has as much poise in the pocket as an 12 year old who just discovered bangbros.

The last time John Beck had “impure thoughts”, they were about the Pink Power Ranger.

The 2011 Washington Redskins are so young, their mothers are driving them to practice.

During the free agency frenzy, the Redskins went on a wide receiver binge on the level of Rory McIlroy after the U.S. Open.   No seriously, they now have 14 wide receivers on their roster.  The biggest signing had to be everyone’s favorite drunk driver, Dante Stallworth…

a.k.a. Dante “That Dude Shouldn’t Have Been Walking on the Highway at 2 am…” Stallworth.

Didn’t like that nickname huh? How about these…

Dante “Maybe You Should Take My Keys” Stallworth.

Dante “I Shoulda Hired Casey Anthony’s Lawyer” Stallworth.

Dante “Everyone Deserves a 4th Chance” Stallworth.

Alright, alright enough with the negativity.  It’s time for us to put the haterade down.   Here are some positives that should get every one of us just a little excited about.

Roy Helu Jr.'s moves are shiftier than Saul Goodman.
Leonard Hankerson's future is so bright even Justin Bieber is jealous.

Trent Williams makes more pancakes than the staff of illegals working in IHOP's kitchen.

Brian Orakpo is so quick, Usain Bolt is asking him for tips.

Brian Orakpo's voice is so deep Barry White rose from the grave just to shake his hand.

Brian Orakpo chases down quarterbacks like Albert Haynesworth chases down the ice cream truck.

Brian Orakpo is such a bad ass that he made Chuck Norris pee his pants.

Brian Orakpo gets off the line faster than Darryl Strawberry's nose...

 LaRon Landry hits so hard, sledgehammers get jealous.

Japan's earthquake was actually aftershocks from LaRon Landry laying out a receiver who dared come over the middle.

Chris Cooley is as reliable on 3rd down as Amy Fisher is at having a mental breakdown on Celebrity Rehab.

Chris Cooley is as reliable on 3rd down as Steven Adler is to be casted for another season of Celebrity Rehab.

...on the flip side....

Santana Moss is as reliable on 3rd down as Lindsey Lohan is at making it 28 days in rehab.

Newly acquired Barry Cofield gets after quarterbacks like Albert gets after a box of Georgetown Cupcakes.

Lost on all of us during the free agency frenzy was the Redskins let former 1st round pick Carlos Rogers leave via free agency.  We like to joke on Carlos Rogers’s inability to catch footballs, but in hindsight he really was a tremendous cover corner and was never fully appreciated.  Even Donovan Mcnabb thought Rogers deserved a lot better from Redskins management, coaches, and us fans.  But that doesn’t mean we don’t have a couple of parting shots for the corner formerly known as “Los.”

Carlos Rogers just signed with the San Francisco 49ers.  Before that he was drawing as much interest as a 4-hour documentary on medieval architecture.

Carlos Rogers just signed with the San Francisco 49ers. If he drops an interception in San Francisco he better not bend over to pick it up.

Carlos Rogers hands are slicker than those of an oiled up cabana Carlos should fit right in in San Francisco.

Carlos Rogers has always had trouble handling one ball…we’ll find out how he handles two in San Francisco.

Carlos Rogers in San Francisco brings new meaning to covering the post.

Albert Haynesworth was traded to the New England Patriots for a 5th round pick.  To that we say good riddance, Fat Al.  Take with you your roid rage, your grabby hands, your lack of worth ethic, your lack of competitive drive, and your overall lack of being a decent human being.  We would be absolutely remissed if we didn’t have anything to say on Dan Snyder’s $100 million dollar mistake.  So here’s to you Albert, the guy who made planking fashionable before planking was planking. 

The most over paid and out of shape player in football was traded for a 5th round pick…Belichick overpaid.

Even Jayson Werth thinks Albert Haynesworth was a complete disaster.

The last time Albert Haynesworth saw his feet, M.C. Hammer had money.

The last time Albert Haynesworth saw his feet, Zack Morris was in detention learning how to trim a bonsai tree.

The last time Albert Haynesworth saw his feet, the Orioles were relevant.

The last time Albert Haynesworth saw his feet, The Backstreet Boys were on the cover of Tiger Beat.

The last time Albert Haynesworth saw his feet, Apple was just a fruit.

Albert Haynesworth will turn down dessert when James Harrison makes a clean tackle.

Albert Haynesworth will turn down dessert when Plaxico Burress puts on the safety.

Albert Haynesworth will turn down dessert when Antonio Cromartie uses a condom.

Albert Haynesworth will turn down dessert when Jeff Reed is the designated driver.

Albert Haynesworth will turn down dessert when Ben Roethlisberger uses the bathroom to only pee.

Albert Haynesworth will turn down dessert when Randy Moss enjoys the catering.

Albert Haynesworth will turn down dessert when Andy Reid does…

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