Monday, October 31, 2011

The Hypothetical Supplemental Draft Part 2

We posted Part 1 of The Hypothetical Supplemental Draft last Thursday, and since then, two major announcements came from the Basketball World.  The first announcement was that after a couple of days of meetings and deliberation, the NBA had officially cancelled another two weeks of the season.  Right now the earliest a game could be played is December 1st.  The second announcement was that after 72 days of wedded bliss, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries filed for divorce.   We predicted that the wedding would be over before the Lockout was over.  Does it feel good to be right? You’re damn right it does, but we were really pulling for these two crazy kids.  One of the funniest parts of this divorce aside from the fact that millions of people believed it was real, are the actual divorce filings.  Kim filed for divorce and one of her stipulations is that Kris does not have rights to spousal support.  What a world we live in that an NBA player just might need to file for spousal support from his reality TV star ex-wife.  I mean Kim is richer than quite a few NBA players, but the thought of it is still somewhat comical.  The silver lining of this whole marriage sham is that Kris Humphries can go back to being a no one.   But before we get to the stirring conclusion of our completely fake and hypothetical basketball draft please allow us to drop a couple of one-liners in honor of Kim and Kris.

A Bangbros scene lasts longer than Kris and Kim’s marriage.

Kim and Kris were married 72 days ago. Coincidentally that was the last time Andy Reid ordered a salad.  (Actually, He ordered it at his favorite restaurant in Philly. He took one bite of it and sent it back and ordered the triple bacon cheeseburger instead. Nonetheless he still ORDERED it).

I’ve waited in lines at the DMV longer than this sham of a marriage lasted.

JaMarcus Russell’s commitment to losing weight lasted longer than Kris and Kim’s wedding.
 Kris and Kim’s wedding lasted as long as it takes me to eat a $5 footlong from Subway. (Anytober could go down as one of the greatest months in the history of this country)

FOX’s fall pilots lasted longer than Kris and Kim’s marriage.

Even Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra knew Kim and Kris wouldn’t last.

Thanks for bearing with us for those one-liners. We needed to get that off our chest. Now on to picks 14 through 26.

The Suns have the 14th pick thanks to their trade Steve Nash and the 10th pick for  Billups, Fields, Shelden Williams, and the 10th pick.

14) THE PHOENIX SUNS SELECT COREY MAGGETTE, formally of the Milwaukee Bucks Charlotte Bobcats.

Maggette is on a new team every single year.  I mean this guy changes his address more than a convicted sex offender.  Maggette has been accused of being a selfish basketball player and not a very “team-first” kind of guy.  Let the Post-Nash era in Phoenix begin!

15) THE ATLANTA HAWKS SELECT D.J. AUGUSTIN, formally of the Charlotte Bobcats.

The Hawks are an interesting team these days.  After being a pretty pathetic squad for nearly a decade, the Hawks have rattled off playoff appearances in four straight seasons.  Al Horford is a beast in the middle, Josh Smith is an exciting player who plays above the rim, and Marvin Williams is steadily plugging along and trying desperately to stay healthy and live up to his potential.   There best player is Joe Johnson and His Contract; from here on out that is how we will always refer to him.  Could you imagine if that actually caught on? I can just see Stuart Scott on ESPN's NBA Shootaround breaking down Hawks highlights: “BOOYAH! Joe Johnson and His Contract knocking down the open 3!”  Could you imagine the headlines on TMZ? “Joe Johnson and His Contract spotted with Ellen DeGeneres at Mr. Chows”.  And of course how hiarlious would it be at his wedding? “AND NOW FOR THE FIRST TIME AS MAN AND WIFE…MR. AND MRS. JOE JOHNSON AND HIS CONTRACT!”

Through all of that riff-raff, did you notice we did not mention a point guard?  That’s because the Hawks really do not have one.  They traded away the ghost of Mike Bibby last year and now have Kirk Hinrich and Jamal Crawford as their point guards.  Kirk Hinrich isn’t a bad option, but he is not a starting point guard in this league, and Jamal Crawford passes the ball about as much as this guy gets laid.  With all that said we think D.J. Augustin is a good choice here for the Hawks because even though he hasn’t set the world on fire, he is a solid point guard in the NBA and could really benefit from playing with Al Horford, and Joe Johnson and His Contract.

The remainder of players selected were pretty much who we felt were the best players available and best fit the teams that were selecting.

16) THE MEMPHIS GRIZZLES SELECT TYRUS THOMAS, formally of the Charlotte Bobcats.  Athletic and raw, would be a nice piece to come off the bench and provide a shot of energy for the Griz.

17) THE PORTLAND TRAILBLAZERS SELECT JONAS VALANCIUNAS, formally of the Toronto Raptors. (The Raptors drafted this forgotten Jonas brother in the 2011 NBA Draft). Umm he is European and he is tall. There’s your scouting report on Jonas.

18) THE DENVER NUGGETS SELECT ED DAVIS, formally of the Toronto Raptors.
What are bang down low, grab boards, and block shots.  This is the answer to I’’ll take “What Ed Davis does on the basketball court that Danilo Gallanari is incapable of” for $800 Alex.
Davis will be solid down low to do all of the dirty work, and is also athletic enough to run the floor for this upstart Nuggets team.

19) THE ORLANDO MAGIC SELECT JOHN SALMONS, formally of the Sacramento Kings. Salmons has bounced around the league, but has always been a solid scorer.  The Magic could use his points off the bench. Plus we hear he likes sharks so he and Gilbert Arenas should get along just great. 

20) THE OKLAHOMA CITY THUNDER SELECT JARRET JACK, formally of the New Orleans Hornets.  This one is plain and simple, Jack can either start at the point and slide Russell Westbrook to the shooting guard spot, or be a calming presence off the bench.  Either way he is a very solid piece for the Thunder.

21) THE BOSTON CELTICS SELECT SAMUEL DALEMBERT, formally of the Sacramento Kings. Shaq could not stay healthy and could not be the bruising shot blocker and rebounder the Celtics needed.  Then the Celtics inexplicably traded away Kendrick Perkins in a move that can only be described as a trade that derailed their season.  With Dalembert the Celtics get a center who can swat balls into the Boston Harbor and grabs rebounds faster than John Lester grabs the last chicken breast.

22) THE DALLAS MAVERICKS SELECT AMIR JOHNSON, formally of the Toronto Raptors.
The Mavs just won the title and looked like a pretty complete team, however the knock on the Mavs over the past decade is that they aren’t tough especially not in the middle.  They have gone along way in debunking that reputation with acquisitions of Tyson Chandler, Brenda(not a typo) Haywood, and of course Brian Cardinal.  Amir Johnson can join the rotation and essentially perform Cardinal’s role on leg.  He can defend, rebound, and block shots.  But don’t fool yourself though, Amir Johnson is worth about 1/10th of his ridiculous $35 million contract (this is the kind of contract that got the NBA into a lockout in the first place) is not a great player. Adding him to the Mavericks is like adding Cola to Jack Daniels…the Jack is doing just fine on it’s own, but it can't hurt.

23) THE LOS ANGELES LAKES SELECT CARL LANDRY, formally of the Sacramento Kings. Best Player available. I mean seriously, us trying to provide insight and analysis on Carl Landry is like making fun of the massive pimple on the nose of a guy who just crapped his pants. At the end of the day it just won't make a difference...

24) THE MIAMI HEAT SELECT BISMACK BIYOMBO, formally of the Charlotte Bobcats.   
He is an unproven rookie from the Congo.  As Jay Bilas would say, “Bismack is looooooooong” and can help grab rebounds, block shots, and thrown down the occasional alley oop.  But the real reason we had the Heat pick Biyombo is we want to see how awkward it would be when Lebron and Dwade start hanging out with Bismack more than they do with Chris Bosh.  Locker room rivalry brewing….

25) THE SAN ANTONIO SPURS SELECT BORIS DIAW, formally of the Charlotte Bobcats. Because the Spurs don’t have enough foreigners.  Plus, he is French just like Tony Parker and  Tony P.  has alienated EVERY teammate ever since he sexted former teammate Brent Barry’s wife.  This move was made for the simple reason that Tony Parker has zero friends left on that team and will have someone to grab dinner with on the road. Bienvenue Boris!

26) THE DETROIT PISTONS (from trade with the Bulls) SELECT JASON THOMPSON, formally of the Sacramento Kings.
Yeaaaaaaaaa, we know about as much about Jason Thompson as you do.

So there you have it, pass the word along to the NBA for us because only 13 people read our blog and 11 of them are family members. 

Questions, comments, concerns, please do not hesitate to email us at

Follow us on twitter @Beltway_Battle

And Check us out on Facebook at “Battle of the Beltway” for updates, posts, and pictures of Tyler in scantily clad clothing.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

The Hypothetical Supplemental Draft

The NBA is in a lockout. Did you even notice? We know, game 6 of an incredible World Series is tonight (Rangers up 3-2, in case you’ve been living under a rock), the Caps are 7-0 and playing the Oilers tonight, and the Redskins are 3-3 but have more players in the nurse’s office then the Camp Hope Softball team when they play Camp MVP.  With all that said it appears, the NBA really is not a big concern for most of you.  But it is for us!  Today the NBA announced that another 2 weeks of the season have been cancelled, and games will not start until after Thanksgiving at the earliest.   The NBA labor negotiations are going as swimmingly and as peaceful as the McCourt Divorce hearings so do not expect to see any professional basketball games anytime soon. 

Many of you could care less, but this is really a bad thing for us basketball fans.  The 2010-2011 NBA season was awesome! Young superstars like Derrick Rose, Kevin Durant, Blake Griffin, and John Wall emerged, the Miami Heat became public enemy no. 1, and the Dallas Dirks, ahem, Mavericks beat the Heat in the NBA finals.  The NBA was making a strong comeback thanks to the deep talent pool, compelling storylines, and less than 4 stories of NBA players committing a crime.  Then this friggin’ lockout completely kills all headway that the NBA made last year.  The fans they regained have already left, and the only ones left are the diehards.  The NBA players Union and the owners continue to be far apart on every major category that they are arguing over.  Of course it does not help to let Javale McGee anywhere near the meetings. Hey Javale just go back to tweeting pictures your latest planking poses and leave the mediation up to guys who know how to tie a tie. 

There are many issues on the table during these meetings, none of which we truly understand or have worthy suggestions for, but one thing that is clear is that there needs to be contraction.  Thirty teams in the NBA are just too many teams, and even though star power in the league couldn’t be higher, the overall talent pool is becoming very watered down.  Teams in smaller markets are losing money faster than M.C. Hammer in the 90’s, and we think some teams just gotta go.  The four teams we think the NBA should get rid of are the New Orleans Hornets (ticket sales have been down ever since Katrina…), the Toronto Raptors (the Lockout is all Canada’s fault anyways, right?), the Charlotte Bobcats (Conrad Murray not giving Michael Jackson the drugs 6 years ago was a bigger mistake than the Bobcats), and the Sacramento Kings (two words: The Maloofs).  You might be asking yourself…but what happens to all of the players on these four teams?  We have concocted an idea in which these players will be entered into a draft involving the remaining 26 teams.  This is sort of like the opposite of an expansion draft, a de-expansion draft if I may.  The draft order is done by last year’s regular season records, and trades are very much allowed and strongly encouraged.  Whenever you see a picture of David Stern, this means “we have a trade.” So without further ado I give to you the Hypothetical Supplemental NBA Draft!

The Cleveland Cavaliers are on the clock…


The Cleveland Cavaliers trade the first overall pick, Jamario “Don’t Call Me Jackie” Moon, and Baron Davis to the Minnesota Timberwolves for the third overall pick, Sebastian Telfair, and a $50 gift card to Target. 

1) THE MINNESOTA TIMBERWOLVES SELECT: CHRIS PAUL PG, formally of the New Orleans Hornets.
 That’s right folks, David Kahn can’t say no to a point guard, like Josh Beckett can’t say no to the Colonel’s crispy strips. 
Minnesota’s PG depth chart now reads:
1)   Chris Paul
2)   Ricky Rubio
3)   Luke Ridnour
4)   The guy who ate Baron Davis, yet now claims to be Baron Davis.

The New Jersey Nets are on the clock….

2) THE NEW JERSEY NETS SELECT: ANDREA BARGNANI F/C, formally of the New Jersey Nets.
We made this pick to form a decent enough front court, made up of Brook Lopez at center and Kris Humphries will bang down low, and he will also grab some rebounds when he plays basketball…

Bargnani can free lance around the outside and just shoot jumpers like all soft Europeans would prefer to do.  Deron Williams will run the point until he can leave via free agency, and this is a decent team that could back door the playoffs with a 6-8 seed. 

Quick Sidebar:  We failed to mention that Kris Humphries is a Free Agent, whenever the lockout is lifted.  We are assuming he will resign with the Nets and here is why.  There’s no chance Mikhail Prokhorov lets Kris Humphries-Kardashian leave right? Chumphries will get a new contract not because of his career year in 2010, but because of the chance to park Kim’s behemoth booty courtside 25-30 games a year.  Prokhorov cannot pass up the opportunity to have Khlodom Lite in his arena. It’s only a matter of time before the Kim and Kris have their own reality show “Kim and Kris: Marriage Bliss”.   Here’s an idea for the pilot: Kim catches Kris on Prokhorov’s yacht. You’re welcome E! 

The odds that Chumphries’s contract lasts longer than his marriage is at -800 in the Vegas Sportsbooks.  For you none gamblers that means a divorce is coming faster than Jim Levenstein on a webcast with Nadia.   Another possible scenario is that the marriage truly stands the test of time, and eager to cash in on his new fame, Chumphries retires from the NBA and starts a new league with his co-commissioner, Kim.  The league will be called the “Why are we Famous League” or the WFL.  The Kardashians and Kris open up on November 1st vs. their step brother Brody Jenner’s squad loaded with no-talent hacks like Spencer Pratt, Brandon Davis, Ty Pennington, and Robert Pattinson.  Jared Fogel is opening the season on the DL.  Best wishes to Kim and Kris!

Jeez, sorry, back to the draft.  The Cleveland Cavaliers on are the clock…

3) THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS SELECT KWAME BROWN, formally of the Charlotte Bobcats…
WHAT!?!?!?!  This has to be a bigger shock than the T-Wolves trading up to select yet another point guard.  Apparently Dan Gilbert was trying to send another hate filled tweet to Lebron James and accidentally selected Kwame Brown.  Sorry Cleveland, your owner is a moron and your city still sucks. Enjoy Kwame.

4) THE LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS SELECT TYREKE EVANS, formally of the Sacramento Kings.
If nothing else, this will make the Clippers one of the more exciting young teams in the whole league.  With Tyreke running point the Clippers will be running up and down the court all night.  A young nucleus of Gordon, Evans, and Blake Griffin is enough to have Bill Simmons re-up those season tickets until 2031. 

That’s right Zards fans, DeMarcus and John Wall are reunited, and it feels so good.  They will form a deadlier combo than Affleck and Damon, Montana and Rice, and Jessica Biel and a bikini. Hopefully being on the same team with his boy John Wall will refocus DeMarcus and cause him to take his career a little more seriously.  No more throwing punches at shoot-arounds or on team flights Boogie.  This gives D.C. a power forward (cut to Andray Blatche dropping his plate of Nachos in disgust) to play alongside the clueless yet freakishly athletic Javale McGee. John Wall needs all the help he can get, and this is certainly a start.


The Detroit Pistons trade the 6th pick and Richard Hamilton to the Chicago Bulls for Luol Deng and the 25th pick.  This pick makes sense for the Pistons because they get rid of the grumpy grandpa that is Rip Hamilton, and get a solid ball player in Luol Deng.  This gives the Bulls a scoring shooting guard that they have long coveted to play alongside Derrick Rose.

6) THE CHICAGO BULLS SELECT KEMBA WALKER, formally of the Charlotte Bobcats.  The newly acquired Rip Hamilton has maybe 40 games left in those legs of his, which is perfect because the 2011-2012 NBA season probably will not be much more than 40 games.  Let Kemba play behind Rip for a year, be that spark plug off the bench, and then when 2012-2013 rolls around Kemba and Derrick Rose will form one helluva dynamic back court.

7) THE MILWAUKEE BUCKS SELECT DAVID WEST, formally of the New Orleans Hornets.
The Milwaukee Bucks do not have a terrible team…when healthy.  But health has been a major concern for this squad since their absurdly overpaid leader, Michael Redd has zero cartilage left in his knees.  Former 1st overall pick Andrew Bogut has shown glimpses of All-Star ability, but ultimately succumbs to hang nails every year that land him on the DL.  David West is a very talented and effective forward and matches up nicely with Brandon Jennings.  We like West to go here in Milwaukee even if West hates having to live in Milwaukee.


The Golden State Warriors have traded the 8th pick and Monta Ellis to the Philadelphia 76ers for the 13th pick and Andre Igoudala.  This is a swap of big contracts that each team has been not so quietly trying to deal for a few years.  With Ellis leaving, Stephen Curry can finally spread his wings and do his thing.  Iggy will provide some toughness and defense that has been lacking in the Bay Area ever since the 70’s.  I really do not know how Philadelphia made the playoffs last year, but getting a consistent scorer like Ellis will only help them remain in this position.

8) THE PHILADELPHIA 76ERS SELECT TREVOR ARIZA, formally of the New Orleans Hornets.  Ok so the 76ers have picked up two large contracts with this trade and pick, but it ain’t our money and this is all from the land of make believe.  We like Ariza running along side Ellis, Lou Williams, and Thaddeus Young.  This would make the 76ers a very fun and explosive team.  And if Phil…I mean, Doug Collins wants to slow it down then he can just politely ask Elton Brand and Evan Turner to take the ice packs off their knees and come off the bench.

9) THE UTAH JAZZ SELECT JIMMER FREDETTE, formally of the Sacramento Kings.
And they are popping bottles of Sparkling Apple Cider in Provo and Salt Lake City.  The polygamous…I mean prodigal son has returned! Jimmer Freddette playing his professional basketball in Utah would be like if Tim Tebow played for the Dolphins.  These guys are icons and cult like figures in the states they attended college, and if they just played in these states that love them so much then we would never have to hear about them. It’s a win-win for everyone involved.  Joseph Smith would be proud.


The Phoenix Suns trade the 10th pick and Steve Nash to the New York Knicks for the 13th pick Landry Jones, Chauncey Billups, Shelden Williams, and Mark D’Antoni’s moustache.  Nash is reunited with D’Antoni, and the Suns get a veteran point guard with an expiring contract, a young role player who only Spike Lee will miss, and Candace Parker’s baby daddy. Yay.

10) THE NEW YORK KNICKS SELECT DEMAR DEROZAN, formally of the Toronto Raptors.   Demar can start instantly at the two and play alongside Nash in the backcourt.  Derozan is a runner and a dunker and will fit in very nicely in D’Antoni’s run and gun offense even if his two best players Melo and Amare are ball stoppers. Spike Lee’s Landry Fields jersey just became worthless. It’s ok Spike, atleast you still have those ridiculous Yankee Hats.

11) THE HOUSTON ROCKETS SELECT EMEKA OKAFOR, formally of the New Orleans Hornets.
Okafor has not lived up to the hype that surrounded him as the no. 1 overall pick, but he has quietly had a serviceable career.  Houston Rockets GM Daryl Morey has a knack for finding the right guys for his team and Okafor can help fill the 7’6” hole that is gaping in the middle of the Rockets lineup like…well we are aren’t going to go there. 

12) INDIANA PACES SELECT J.J. HICKSON, formally of the Sacramento Kings.
Remember him Wiz fans? He was the guy Ernie Grunfeld wanted badly to acquire in the Antawn Jamison trade a couple of years ago.  Well he has not lived up to his hype or potential just yet.  He is an athletic power forward, and we put him on the Pacers for the simple fact that they have one too many slow/white big men.  (Cut to Tyler HansBRO and Josh McRoberts with puzzled looks on their faces).

The Warriors take a pass-first point guard here which allows Curry to play the off guard and shoot at will.  Curry is slightly undersized at the shooting guard spot, but his skills and ability more than make up for it.  Plain and simple this move helps Curry develop. If that’s not the Warriors main focus then I do not know what they are doing out there in the Bay Area.

Stay Tuned for Part 2…

Questions, comments, concerns, please do not hesitate to email us at

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Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Get Well Soon Jason Campbell

By Ben

I hate saying “I told ya so”, but I mean I told ya so.  Train Rex is officially off the tracks, and Shanny has named John Beck the starting quarterback of our beloved Washington Redskins.  I mean really, how bad did Rexual Harassment play that we are all jazzed up about a quarterback who has four career starts, and is so unrecognizable that he has to wear a shirt with his name on it?  Lost in Rexually Frustrated’s terrible play is the fact that the Redskins are 3-2, which seemed pretty unthinkable just a few months ago.  But this is a very misleading 3-2, it feels good yet it just doesn’t feel right.  It is kind of like that feeling you get after rolling off a fat girl; yes you got your rocks off, but you are met with this immediate regret, disappointment, and feeling of uneasiness.  That’s how Rex made Redskins Nation feel; of course we were stoked to be 3-1 before that horrific Eagles game, but those 3 wins felt cheap and dirty.  Either way we have all been Reuxally Assaulted and it is time for some Beckual Healing. 

Honestly, I didn’t come here today to talk about the current Redskins quarterbacks, but rather I wanted to discuss with you a former Redskins quarterback who has had more ups and downs in his career than a Tony Romo led fourth quarter.  I want to express my deepest sympathies for Jason Campbell, whose career has been marred by more turnover than a Rex Grossman stat line. 

In the midst of a solid season, while at the helm of a 4-2 playoff contending team, Jason Campbell was dealt yet another blow to his topsy-turvy NFL career when he broke his collarbone.  In his 7th season the stars were finally aligned for Jason Campbell to be a successful quarterback in the NFL.  By stars I mean, working with the same coach for two years in a row, a stable-ish offensive line, and a great running game.  His receivers weren’t exactly top notch, but lord knows he’s done a lot worse. Hue Jackson is in his first season as head coach of the Raiders, but he was the offensive coordinator there last year and has trust and familiarity with Campbell.  In JC’s 3 ½ seasons as a Redskins starting quarterback his offensive coordinators included an old senile guy who let the game pass him by back in 1994,  a former QB’s coach who thought this was a good play call, and finally a guy who was more comfortable calling “G-17…we’ve got a bingo from Mrs. Baxter!”

Everytime Campbell showed up for training camp he was being introduced to a new offensive scheme; his head was spinning faster than Ron Washington when there is a runner on second.   Could you imagine if you showed up for work every couple of months to find out you had a new boss who was changing everything about your department?  You would probably quit and start looking for a more stable company to work for.  Well stability is not exactly a buzzword around Redskins Park, especially not during Campbell’s tenure. 

When the Redskins first acquired Donovan McNabb I was pissed!  I was such a Campbell loyalist and thought it was so unfair that Shanahan was willing to deal for 35 year old rather than see what he had in Campbell.  I then took a step back, and decided that Donovan’s track record was very solid, and this gave Campbell the opportunity to be traded to a franchise who was hopefully more stable and less circus-esque than the Redskins.  He was traded to the Raiders.  Seriously football Gods?!?! What do you have against this guy? He’s been classy, respectful, and hard working amidst some ridiculous circumstances and you banish him to football hell?  Al Davis (may he rest in peace) ran that franchise over the past decade like his hair was on fire.  The only person less fit to run the Raiders is Michael Lohan, and even he wouldn’t have been dumb enough to hire Lane Kiffin.  However, Campbell was excited by the opportunity and immersed himself in silver and black.  He took his lumps under then head coach Tom Cable, including being benched in week 2 only to see his team lose three straight games.  Campbell was reinserted into the starting lineup and led the Raiders to a respectable 8-8 finish.  This was pretty impressive considering the Raiders had not won more than 5 games since 2002. Cable was then fired and Hue Jackson was promoted to head coach.  Campbell finally had some consistency, minus the whole Lockout thing. 

Campbell’s broken collarbone ended a promising/vindicating season and with the Raiders trading for Carson Palmer yesterday, it all but ends Campbell’s time in Oakland.  Another offseason will come, another team will take a chance on JC, and he will have to learn yet another playbook.  Jason Campbell has always deserved better than what has happened to him in the NFL, but he has never complained, never griped, and always remained positive.  He has remained confident in himself and his abilities and he WILL land another job and hopefully that is the place it all comes together for him.  I wish you the best of luck Jason, and I will always be on Team Campbell.

Career Stats:
64 Games Started. 
68 TD’s
46 INT’s
13,247 yard.
27-37 Record
347 Offensive Coordinators.

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