Monday, October 29, 2012

2012-2013 Washington Wizards Season Preview

The Eastern Seaboard is strapping in as Hurricane Sandy prepares to unleash a rage and a fury we haven’t seen since Teresa Giudice’s last period.  The rain is expected to come down sideways and the winds are expected to howl.  Even George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg think its best to stay inside for the next couple of days.  But despite all of this, let’s discuss something that will not blow…the 2012-2013 NBA Season!

There are more storylines to this basketball season than a season of LOST.  Can the Heat repeat? With the world’s weight off his shoulders, will Lebron go into “I Told You So Mode” and supremely dominate for the next 7-8 years? Can the front loaded Lakers win it all despite their bench being thinner than Nicole Richie?  Can the Thunder take the next step? Will the Nets wear scarves in the summer like most of their fellow Brooklyn residents? Is the Celtics-Heat rivalry about to become the most heated (pardon my pun) in the league – cut to Ray Allen nodding?

With all of these juicy undertones to the season, it’s time to discuss a topic that ESPN will ignorantly ignore; a topic that Ivan Carter will certainly not neglect…our Washington Wizards’ season outlook.

Before we start battering you with our overtly optimistic predictions, we have to get the bad news out of the way.  John Wall will be out until about January with a knee injury.  Our most exciting and most important player will miss the first two months and the Wall-Beal Backcourt (still working on a better nickname) will have to wait to unleash their speed and skill on the league. 

Randy Wittman is back as head coach after taking over for the biggest Windsor knot advocate Chocolate City had ever seen.  He has been hell bent on changing the culture of this locker room. Wittman’s no nonsense style was exactly what this young squad needed, and they actually finished last season on a six game winning streak. Break up the Zards!

Despite all the bad trades, and his infatuation with unathletic and unproven Eurotrashians, our ass clown of a General Manager had his option picked up by Teddy Owner’s Box.  This move left us all scratching our heads, but who better to clean up the rotten culture of a team that he is solely responsible for building? Getting rid of malignant morons like JaVale McGee, Nick Young, and Andray Blatche were priority numero uno, and all three currently have new addresses.  So kudos to you Ernie, but then again you don’t have to get rid of knuckleheads, if you don’t draft em.

Big Ern had an eventful off-season starting with his trade of Rashard Lewis and his expiring contract to the New Orleans Hornets for Omeka Okafor and Trevor Ariza.  This trade was met with mixed reviews because Rashard Lewis’s massive expiring contract was a very primo trade chip and many thought the Zards could have brought in a better haul. But, that’s neither here nor there because the Zards picked up two proven NBA players who will saddle up with NeNe and bring a little more passion and professionalism to this squad of young bucks.

Speaking of young bucks, we drafted Bradley Beal with the third overall pick in the draft.  Beal is a tad undersized, but the thought of him being Jimmy Wall’s running mate gets the Nation’s Capital more jacked up than this year’s presidential election’s two tandems.  Beal is a good shooter and will bring a new level of high character that is more foreign to this team than a sushi menu is to Jan Vesely.  We have insider knowledge from one of our closest friends who was on Florida’s basketball staff las season who told us that “Brad Beal is one of the best human beings I have ever been around. He works hard and wants to be great. He is the Anti-Blatche.” Get excited folks, Wall and Beal together is going to be special. 

Our frontcourt is going to bring a new level of defensive toughness.  Something Ernie Jordan always wanted, but never actually coached towards.  When healthy, NeNe can be a force, and Okafor can still block shots and grab boards.  Ariza can score a little bit, and he will be tasked with covering other team’s wing players – never easy.

Our bench is a rag tag group that can get it done, similar to the Nats’ “Goon Squad.” Don’t sleep on Kevin Seraphin! He is a big boy who really came on strong down the stretch last season, racking up double doubles like Andray Blatche at Mickey D’s drive thru……….

……As I’m writing this preview Tyler just texted me COMPLETELY out of the blue. He had no idea I was working on a preview, and here is what just transpired:


Tyler: Grunfeld needs to be fired. Here’s Why: Hold on to the pick in 09, take Steph Curry at 5.  Wall comes in 2010. Take Kwahi Leonard in 2011, not Vesely. Now you’re building around John Wall, Leonard, and Steph Curry. Fuck.

Ben: And yet he got an extension.

Tyler: Then he drafts some Czech PG when you already have Wall, Crawford, and Mack on your roster, and Draymond Green still on the draft board. He’s basically giving up on Mack. Double Fuck.

Tyler: This is goddamn lunacy!!! How is there not more outrage about Big Ern’s extension?!?!

Ben: Chocolate City needs to start caring about the Zards again!!!

Tyler: Yea, I mean this is like DUI bad.  I can’t believe it.  If Big Ern knew how to draft, we could easily be a 6 seed in the East.  Then you could sell FA’s into coming to DC.  Even though no one hits Free Agency anymore.

Ben: DC should be a bball destination for FA’s, instead it’s an after thought. WTF?!?!?

Tyler: ABSOLUTELY! Atleast with that plan you have young movable assets if you wanted to make a trade.  Fucking crazy.

Ben: I get that he was trying to change the culture from that slew of knuckleheads that HE DRAFTED, but the direction of the franchise is more misleading than a Garmin with low battery.

Tyler: HAHAHAHAHAHA. True on all counts.  It’s all garbage.  We remain victims.

Ben: In the Grand Jury Report that will come out in 6 years in the case of Ernie Grunfeld accused of crimes against a fan base, we will be labeled victims 1 and 2.

Ben: Too soon?

Tyler: Not at all. That sort of thing is well deserved.

Ben: Ernie Grunfeld is a son of a bitch.  *Drops The Mike*

Sorry for that textual sidebar.  Seeing as we have already racked up over a 1,000 words on the Zards we will wrap up the bench in a short and sweet manner.

F Martell Webster: Considered a veteran?
F/C Jan Vesely: Brutal
F Trevor Booker: Excited for his future.
G Jordan Crawford: Takes more shots than a sorority girl with daddy issues.
F Chris Singleton: Defense first, shoot second.
G A.J. Price: Backup point guard.
G Shelvin Mack: the backup point guard’s backup.
G Jannero Pargo: Sure
F Cartier Martin: Double sure.

Not a lot of household names, but they could all make an impact. The talent pool is not where many of us would like it to be, but we fully think this team could sneak up on the NBA. If they can stay a float with out Jimmy Wall, then hopefully he comes back from the DL with swagger and a jump shot.  There is no reason to think that this team couldn’t sneak into an 8 seed and start building towards a sustainable playoff team.

Prediction: 38-44, 8 seed in the Eastern Conference.

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