Friday, January 27, 2012

2 Legit 2 Quip: 2012's Early Returns

It has been a while since we hit you guys with a Friday full of one-liners, and frankly we are not so sure why that is.  It probably had a lot to do with the way 2011 ended with Jerry Sandusky and Bernie Fine's stomach-turning scandals.  Naturally, we had about 6 pages worth of jokes on those two, but every moral bone in our body forced us to keep them under wraps.   
2012 is young, but celebrities have been active.  The rich and famous have been getting divorced, married, having oopsie-daisy-babies, and giving their babies ridiculous names.  Celebrities have been very busy and therefore so have we, because mocking them has become one of our favorite pastimes.  We couldn’t do it alone so we brought in our expert celebrity-mocker Allie to help us come up with some funny stuff for you guys.  Sit back, enjoy, and help us laugh at those who have more millions than they know what to do with, Terrell Owens not included.

First off, a big congratulations to the recently engaged Jessica Biel and Justin Trousersnake. However…
A flight attendant has a better chance of taking Alec Baldwin's phone, than Jessica Biel does at making Justin Trousersnake monogamous.
Jessica Biel called Newt Gingrich the other night so she can learn what an undisclosed open marriage looks like.

Chaz Bono made a name for itself towards the end of 2011 with it’s appearance on Dancing With The Stars.  The fame must’ve gone to it’s head as it split up with it’s long time fiancé…

Chaz Bono broke off his engagement with Jennifer Elia in December. We may be a little late to this party, but we always knew he wasn't man enough to go through with it.

A moment of silence for those we lost this year…..including Jennifer Elia’s relevance…..

 Chaz Bono broke off his engagement to Jennifer Elia, we assume it’s to focus on growing a full beard.

 Chaz Bono broke off his engagement to Jennifer Elia, because he caught Jennifer using his old diIdo.

If Ashton Kutcher leaves Two and a Half Men, they will look to replace him with Chaz Bono to be the ½ man.

Steven Tyler is more of a woman than Chaz Bono ever was.
Speaking of Steven Tyler…
Perez Hilton thinks Steven Tyler need to tone it down a bit.

Rob Lowe has just announced that Steven Tyler is in fact a man. (Sources denied this being true)

Another couple decided to call it quits in 2011, and that was the short lived Kim Kardashian and Kris Humprhies…
Kris Humphries wants Kim back….so he dipped his dong  a can of black paint.

The line to trick or treat at Casey Anthony’s house was longer than Kris and Kim’s marriage.
It’s a shame Kim Kardashian couldn’t pick up a second season on her marriage.
 2012 has gotten off on the right foot with divorces involved Russell and Katy, Demi and Ashton, and Heidi and Seal…
Demi Moore has checked herself into rehab for exhaustion. It must be from trying to keep up with a guy half her age.

Demi Moore just needs to get back in the gym and Whip-It back into shape…
Even Jonah Hill thinks Demi Moore is looking a little too thin these days.
(No seriously, even  Star Jones thinks Jonah Hill’s new look is a little suspect)

Demi Moore is so thin, she may need to get on the Miley Cyrus diet. (NSFW)

Russell Brand wants to release a tell all book, including personal details about Katy Perry.  Her people are worried the readers will find out she only has sex in missionary position.

Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari announced they were re-engaged and then followed that up with the news of being pregnant (accidentally).
Too bad DeAngelo Hall wasn’t covering Kristin’s netherregions.

The Cutler-Cavallari nightstand was out of DeAngelo's(their cute petname for rubbers), so they decided to wing it. OOPS.

 Clearly Kristin’s downtown-dynamo was only bringing 3 guys to rush the passer, dropping the other 8  in “coverage”.

 Kristen’s legs play a better wide 9 technique than Dwight Freeney.

 Give Cutler time and he can drive his ball….THE ball down the throa….the FIELD….DRIVE THE BALL DOWN THE FIELD.

When asked about the condom he used Jay said, “ I was expecting it, I’m used to failed blocking schemes.”  Cut to the Bears o-line looking at each other…

 The Cutler-Cavallari Alliance weren’t the only ones with baby news…

Jay-Z and Beyonce named their daughter Blue Ivy Carter. We have no joke here because Jay-Z and Beyonce thinking this is a good idea is the biggest joke of all.

2012 has also seen celebrities doing randomly stupid things whether it was Rihanna’s latest decision to get a questionable tattoo…

Rihanna got “thug life” tattooed across her knuckles.  Cause nothing says thug life like having dated Matt Kemp.

Rihanna’s THUG LIFE tattoo makes as much sense as Jusin Trousersnake getting a tat that says MONOGAMY4ME.

Rihanna’s THUG LIFE tattoo makes as much sense as Chaz Bono getting a tat that says GIRL POWER.

Rihanna’s THUG LIFE tattoo makes as much sense as Jeremy London getting a tat that says STABLE.

Rihanna’s THUG LIFE tattoo makes as much sense as Pat Sajak getting a tat that says WORKPLACE ETHICS. 

Rihanna’s THUG LIFE tattoo makes as much sense as Ryan Seacrest getting a tat that says STRAIGHT.

Rihanna’s THUG LIFE tattoo makes as much sense as Anna Benson getting matching tats that say SANE & RATIONAL.

Rihanna’s THUG LIFE tattoo makes as much sense as Angelina Pivarnick getting a tat that says RELEVANT.

 And of course there is Terrell Owens who has blown through the $80 million he made in his NFL career…

Terrell Owens made $80 million in his career but is now broke.  It appears he went to the H&R Block seminar held by MC Hammer.

Terrell Owens famously once had 25 millions reasons to live.  He now has 80 millions reasons to jump off a bridge.

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