Tuesday, December 27, 2011

The Doghouse Has a New Landlord

By Ben

Way back in July I wrote about how my Doghouse was in disarray due to the Redskins releasing the much-maligned Casey Rabach (the Doghouse’s landlord).  I was searching for a new landlord and was accepting applications from many athletes on the DMV’s professional sports teams.  Kevin Gregg filled in admirably for Rabach as interim landlord, but he left his post in October to go on a much-needed vacation.  I expect him back somewhere between March and April.  However, it does not appear that Kevin Gregg will resume his role as Orioles closer therefore he is no longer needed as the landlord, but merely as just a tenant in the Doghouse. Andray Blatche has been the superintendent of the Doghouse since 2007 and I denied his application for landlord based solely on the fact that my passion for the Orioles and Redskins outweighed my passion for the Wizards.  Well, just like Joni Mitchell once said, “you don’t know what you got til it’s gone” and that is precisely what the NBA Lockout did for my Wizards fandom.  When the season did not start on time, I began to miss the Zards and the random Tuesday night game on Comcast vs. the Milwaukee Bucks.  I immediately began to pine for the sounds of Steve Buckhantz’s silky smooth voice promoting home team bias, and the booming baritone of Phil Chenier’s color commentary. 

HOWEVA, the NBA is back and the Wizards opened up the season last night with a very uninspired and disheartening loss to the equally woeful New Jersey Nets. Yet, it was the actions before, during, and after the game of team “captain” Andray Blatche that has captured the DMV’s attention.

After an extended offseason (in which I’m sure Andray lifted more bottles of Champagne than barbells), one pre-game speech, a brutal game, and some ill-advised postgame tweets, Andray has affirmed everything I believe in, and is no doubt the only candidate to become the new landlord of the recently renovated Doghouse, cut to a disappointed MeAngelo Hall. 

Sorry D-Hall. Maybe next year, but hopefully you're not around.

Blatche was named ceremonial captain for last night’s game so he could give the speech to the fans in the Verizon Center an honor that had been bestowed upon role models and productive members of society such as Antawn Jamison, Brent Price, and Gilbert Arenas.  Andray took the reins last night and delivered a passable speech in which he anointed himself the team’s leader, and thanked the fans for sticking with the team throughout the Lockout.  Throughout the game Blatche would hoist up jumpers, spend less time in the post than Donte Stallworth spent in jail, and he killed Wizards possessions like he was Seal Team 6 breaking down the door at Osama Bin Laden’s compound.

The Wizards would go on to play hard for three quarters only to shrink in the fourth quarter and lose.  In other words, the anti-Tebow or perhaps you'd prefer the Lebron.  Blatche was underwhelming on the court, and quite vocal (via twitter) off the court. We here at the Battle of the Beltway (@Beltway_Battle) do not follow Andray Blatche nor do we promote the following of Andray Blatche, but his diarrhea of the keyboard last night was retweeted multiple times to the point where our timeline was flooded and we had to take notice. 

 His first tweet read:

“@drayblatche: I may have had a bad game but that's cause I need the ball in the post not taking jump shots all game”

This can be interpreted in two ways. The first being that he is calling out his coaches and the team’s game plan of having him out on the perimeter and not in the post.  This is the way many people have chosen to take it, but since Blatche is 6’11” and has a worse jump shot than the sweaty bald guy at the JCC, I do not see the Wizards coaching staff drawing up a game plan that would facilitate Blatche’s affinity for hoisting up jumpers.    

The second way this tweet can be interpreted is that Blatche was venting his frustrations in the way he played, was placing blame on himself, and is FINALLY realizing that he is better suited playing in the post, and not jacking up ill-advised jumpers like he’s Nick Young or something.  This is probably the more accurate assumption for what Andray was trying to accomplish with his tweet, but his public cry for sympathy is not going to win over this town!  We as a fan base have watched Blatche party harder than he trains, get in trouble off the court, and be an overall drain on society over the past six or seven seasons.  Therefore he is not going to get this fan base’s sympathy what so ever, but more so he will receive a bit of backlash.  That is what probably led to his next tweet…

“@drayblatche:  Every body need to shut up I didn't call out my coach or team mates I said I had a bad game need it n the post instead of jump shots”

Actually Andray, you should probably shut up my man (and consider the usage of punctuations).  I haven’t been this incredulous to a moronic tweet since Rashard Mendenhall felt he needed to air his dirty laundry.  Blatche was the one who spoke to the fans pre-game, calling himself the team leader and saying how much the team loves the fans.  It is probably not the best idea to tell fans to shut up then.  I’m not a professional athlete, but I know I won’t be selling too many FatHeads if I tell the fans to shut up. 

I cannot stand Andray Blatche because for years I have watched him show promise on the court and then expect him to improve in the offseason.  However, Blatche comes back every season looking worse and even more out of shape.  No seriously, this guy has bigger muffin tops than the breakfast counter at Starbucks. He has zero definition in his arms and does not have the stamina to be effective for four quarters of a basketball game.  He also lacks any kind of drive or work ethic to compete with the other big men in the NBA. Being Andray Blatche’s personal trainer is a bigger waste of time than watching a Say Yes to the Dress marathon. I just do not ever see Blatche maturing or wisening up; he is and forever will be the same old Dray. Oh and I almost forgot… he wants to be considered a leader? Come on man, the only place crazy enough to let you be their leader is North Korea (I hear they have an opening).

So without further ado, and for all of these reasons and more I would like to congratulate Andray Blatche as the new Landlord of the Battle of the Beltway’s Doghouse.  Congratulations on the promotion Andray, time to move that futon into the master bedroom!

Picture taken after Blatche was informed that he had been promoted from Superintendent to Landlord.

No comments:

Post a Comment