Friday, December 9, 2011

A Stern Mistake

By Ben

Whenever I here the relationship between NBA owners and NBA players compared to the relationship of slave masters and their slaves it makes my stomach turn.  I just do not see the rationale to comparing millionaires who play a kid’s game for a king’s ransom to people who were taken from their homes, separated from their families, and forced to work in the hot fields of the south while being fed very little and whipped without warning.  A proper comparison would be between asshole bosses and their employees.  You know what I’m talking about; NBA owners are the bosses of your department who do nothing but give you projects and deadlines.  They then sit back and wait for you to produce something worthy of their approval so they can turn it in to the higher ups and take all the credit.  David Stern is the CEO who promotes these kinds of shanahanigans and he is the King Prick.  He and his crew of crony owners tried a hard stance during the NBA Lockout and made the players feel like inferior employees.  The players put the butts in the seats, their names are on the back of the jerseys that sell, and it’s their faces and showmanship that make the money (Cut to a confused Dan Gilbert, but more on that jabroni later).  And Stern did it again last night by listening to the gripes of the owners and vetoed a blockbuster trade between the Hornets and the Lakers. 

The particulars of the trade go as follows:

New Orleans Hornets trade Chris Paul to the Los Angeles Lakers.

The Los Angeles Lakers trade Pau Gasol to the Houston Rockets, and Lamar Odom to the New Orleans Hornets.

The Houston Rockets trade Kevin Martin and Luis Scola to the New Orleans Hornets.

Ipso facto, the Hornets traded away their franchise player (who had NO intentions of re-signing with them at the end of the season) and acquired three veteran players who could make the Hornets a very competitive team.  Kevin Martin can score, Luis Scola does all the dirty work while putting up very respectable numbers, and Lamar Odom will bring Khloe Kardashian…

The Rockets would acquire a silky smooth Spaniard who would be a calming veteran presence on a mostly young nucleus made up of Chase Buddinger, Kyle Lowry, and college standouts Jonny Flynn (sorry Mish, not Larry Flynt), and Hasheem Thabeet.  

The Lakers would acquire a superstar point guard to play alongside Kobe until Kobe’s knees give out, and then turn the team over to.  The trade seems essentially fair on the surface, but I’m assuming where the owners had an issue was that the Lakers did not include Andrew Bynum in the deal.  It was assumed that Bynum would then be flipped to Orlando for Dwight Howard, thus forming another team of three superstars.  


So now we are all caught up on the trade that was cancelled faster than How To Be a Gentleman. (QUICK SIDEBAR: You can’t duplicate Johnny Drama especially when you put him on CBS and prohibit him from cursing.) By vetoing the trade David Stern, NBA commissioner, launched a public relations nightmare for a league whose ink was still drying on their Lockout Peace Treaty.  The NBA owns the New Orleans Hornets and therefore employs their front office and makes the personnel decisions.  The trade was accepted and was announced and then the other NBA owners began whining and complaining about the trade.  The loudest complaints came from a city in the United States that most of us are better off not acknowledging, Cleveland, Ohio.  Cleveland is that septic tank in your backyard that keeps overflowing. Where does all this hatred for Cleveland come from? Well, I do not have time to get into it right now, but someday we will tell you all about how the city of Cleveland wronged us. 

I would not visit Cleveland if you paid me $130 million dollars spread out over six years, cut to Lebron James nodding.  Speaking of turning down Cleveland’s money, Dan Gilbert the owner of the Cavaliers, was up in arms over this trade and sent David Stern this email pleading for him to nix the trade. OK, Dan we get it. Lebron left you high and dry that caused you to meltdown like a high school cheerleader who just got dumped by the quarterback for a sexier and sluttier girl on the dance team.  Now Dan Gilbert is that girl who just because she can’t get a man is now making everyone else miserable and dragging her girlfriends away from the guys they are talking to.  Quit being the bleeding heart Dan, not all small market teams sympathize with you, just ask the Oklahoma City Thunder, Detroit Pistons, and the San Antonio Spurs.  They’ve made it work.  I mean there must’ve been a reason why no big time free agents wanted to come to Cleveland to play with arguably the most exciting player in the league.  Well Dan, good luck ever signing a big time free agent now after this stunt.  Plus trying to lure a free agent to Cleveland is like a Roseanne Barr trying to lure anyone of us to leave the bar with her. 

Mehhhhh, come here often?

But enough about an owner so bad that even Peter Angelos is disgusted.  Stern’s main motivation for nixing this trade is the idea of “competitive balance”.  I hate this argument because there has NEVER been competitive balance in the NBA.  The Celtics have won 17 NBA titles including an unprecedented reign with championships in four consecutive decades.  The Lakers have won 16 NBA titles including a three-peat from 2000-2002 and back-to-back championships most recently in 2009 and 2010.  Jordan’s Bulls had two separate three peats in the 1990’s.  P.S. when Jordan was retired the Houston Rockets won back-to-back titles.  The Pistons won back-to-back titles before the Bulls first three peat.  And the Spurs have won 4 titles in the past decade. My point being the same teams are always at the top and the only league that has figured out competitive balance is the NFL.  Every year any team can emerge and compete.  The NBA is a long way off from that, and based on history will probably never get to that.  Somewhere Roger Goddell and Bud Selig are sharing a drink and toasting the man who has taken all the heat off of them.  David Stern truly is the worst commissioner in sports; even Gary Bettman (WHOSE LEAGUE FOLDED FOR A YEAR) thinks David Stern is a power drunk moron. 

David Stern has unleashed a public relations shit storm not even a day after the Lockout officially ended.  NBA Free Agency starts today and everyone was anticipating a great few days similar to the NFL’s past free agency period.  But instead we will be talking about the incompetence of the league’s commissioner and his dictator-esque ways of ruling his players like a greedy monarch. Thanks to “King David the Dick”, the biggest losers here may be the New Orleans Hornets (remember, the NBA owns the Hornets!).  They felt like they had lined up the best deal they are going to get and traded away their franchise player.  Chris Paul is a free agent at the end of the year and will more than likely sign with the Los Angeles Lakers or the New York Knicks, thus leaving the Hornets with nothing.  At least they would be able to gain a few players and field a competitive team.  It will be hard to trade Chris Paul now because no other team will want to give up the assets necessary without the assurance that Paul will sign an extension with them.  Otherwise, these teams will be mortgaging their future for a one year rental.  Insert U.S. Economy/Housing Market joke here.

My personal guess, is that Stern will see what a mistake he has made and will eventually allow the trade. But until he comes to his senses he will have to answer these questions: Where was Stern last year during Lebron’s decision? Is he going to veto Dwight Howard’s potential trade to the New Jersey Nets? Why didn’t he veto Carmelo’s trade last year when he essentially dictated where he was getting traded?  

And just when you thought it could not get any worse, David Stern has made a few more major decisions that will no doubt impact all of us.

David Stern has cancelled Christmas, Hanukah, and Kwanza.

David Stern has eliminated Saturday and Sunday from the week. No more weekends.

David Stern has placed Tim Tebow on the IR.

David Stern has signed Rex Grossman to an 8-year extension for the Washington Redskins.

David Stern has cancelled the 2012 Presidential Elections and named himself President of the United States. May God have mercy on us all.

Screw this, I'm moving to China.

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