Well folks, tonight is the MLB Draft which ranks third in the realm of professional sporting drafts. Clearly it does not get the pub that the NBA or NFL drafts have, but they do rank higher than the NHL and MLS drafts. So they’ve got that going for them which is nice. We both played college baseball so the MLB Draft is really an exciting event for us. More than likely you will not know 98.6% of the players we are talking about, but hopefully you will know of them in 2,3, 4 years. We will take a page out of the sports blog master Bill Simmons and write a running diary of the draft with our incites, predictions (that will ultimately be wrong), and a suffocating amount of hometown bias. So allow us to be your skippers as we embark on our vessel through the heavy seas that is the U.S.S. MLB Draft.
A few things we think you should know before the draft starts:
1) The Nationals will be drafting 6th this year and not 1st overall like they’ve done the past two years. Don’t feel bad fellow Nats fans, this means we are getting better.
2) The Orioles will be drafting 4th,which represents the 1,000th top 10 pick in the O's history.
3) DMV native, Danny Hultzen out of UVA is expected to go in the top 6-7 picks. Hultzen is a left handed pitcher and is a bon-a-fide stud. He is set to command a signing bonus of up to $10 million dollars. But this is where the plot thickens. He is a junior at UVA, and is pre-med. His family is wealthy (we’re talking “eff you money”) and have set up a trust fund for him. The trust fund can only be executed if Hultzen is enrolled in Med School by the age of 25. Oh did we mention the trust fund is for $15-20 million.
4) The Tampa Bay Rays have 10 of the first 60 picks. That is how you rebuild and reload…all at the same time.
5) The Draft is held at Studio 42 of the MLB Network in Secaucus, NJ. I’ll take Swamplands that smell like Albert Haynesworth’s grundle for $400, Alex.
6) We are eating Super Chicken for dinner. Super Chicken is a Peruvian grub stop that makes some of the best chicken in all of Arlington. Their flavor is unique and delicious and always leaves you satisfied, yet lethargic and bloated. It also leaves you with some serious aftershocks that can only be referred to as super chicken farts. We expect to be leaking methane by the 12th or 13th pick. Stay tuned…
Ben’s Predictions: BAL 4th Overall, Dylan Bundy RHP Owasso HS, OK. (If O’s have a shot at Anthony Rendon, I may leap through the roof.) WAS 6th overall, Danny Hultzen LHP UVA.
Tyler’s Picks: BAL 4th Overall, Danny Hultzen. WAS 6th Bubba Starling OF Kansas high schooler.
7:00 PM: And Studio 42 is open for business. Well it’s no Radio City Music Hall, hell it’s not even Jesse Birnbaum’s baseball themed bar mitzvah, but it’ll due. The announcers for tonight’s gala are Greg Amsinger, Harold Reynolds (who just groped the sound girl), Jon Hart, and Peter Gammons.
7:01 PM: Here’s MLB commissioner Bud Selig. Is anyone else getting a Mr. Burns vibe from the commish? I can’t believe we are going to have to watch this ugly old dude announce each pick. Ratings would go WAAAYYYYY up if Minka Kelly announced each pick rather than the guy who enjoys a brothy soup and some prune juice, you know the simple things in life.
7:02 PM: Bud Selig just said “thrilled”. He sounds about as thrilled as Rep. Anthony Weiner’s attorney right now.
7:03 PM: The Pittsburgh Pirates are on the clock. 4 people clapped. Peter Gammons, Jon Hart, and Harold Reynolds now have 5 minutes to fill discussing all of the failed picks by the Pittsburgh Pirates over the past decade.
7:08 PM: Gerrit Cole UCLA goes no. 1. Let the speculation and dissection begin. This guy turned down the New York Yankees out of high school…I already like him a lot.
7:13 PM: Danny Hultzen goes number 2! The first wrinkle of the draft, Anthony Rendon was the odds on favorite for the number 2 pick. This means either Trevor Bauer or Rendon is going to be available at 4 for the Birds! My excitement is curtailed based on the Orioles’ track record of messing this sort of thing up. The Mariners’ focus has now gone from the AL West Pennant Race to the Hultzen Trust Fund Race. If you're paying attention, in about 1 to 2 years the rotation in Grunge City, could be Hernandez, Pineda and Hultzen. Pretty good staff.
7:18 PM: Oh crap here comes Bud…The D’Backs take Trevor Bauer. Loud applause erupts from Studio 42. Selig takes this opportunity at making his first joke of the night: “Sounds like Trevor’s whole family is here.” Joke went over about as well as a dude with a college degree at a Klan rally. The Birds are on the clock and Rendon is available…DEAR GOD!
7:19 PM: The tension here is palpable, you can cut it with a knife. Rendon is on the board still at 4, and he would fill a need, so the question has to be asked...."how are they going to mess this up?" Ben is pacing.
7:21 PM: Ben is having a full on discussion with himself about this pick. He is now providing counter arguments to himself…this is frightening.
7:22 PM: I've never seen anybody’s fingers move as fast as Ben's are, I don't even know what he's doing, it's not typing and its not cracking his knuckles, he's visibly nervous.
7:23 PM: 1 minute until the Orioles pick and Ben is doing yoga to relax himself. Now downward dog is going to come those nerves.
7:24 PM: A little bald guy named Jonathan Mayo just came on the screen and said no chance at Rendon. Ben has just broke the couch…and passed out.
7:25 PM Battle of the Beltway’s medical staff has given Ben smelling salts in time to hear: “Orioles select Dylan Bundy.” This is a good pick O’s fans. Rendon apparently has a bad medical history and he is sliding down the draft board like a shart in a pair of mesh shorts. Bundy’s 2011 stats in High School are 11-0 0.20 ERA 158 K’s. None of those are typos. This is a great pick for the Orioles, you can never have enough pitching and since Bergesen and Tillman are not the answer, this guy could move in to the rotation in 3 or 4 years and deal. Matusz, Arrieta, Britton, Bundy....again not bad at all.....Now if only they could address 3B.
7:26 PM: Harold Reynolds just said this guy squats 50 lbs! WOW. The reports are coming in about his makeup and pedigree and the O’s may have just selected a future stud. Ben is back to normal and on board with this one.
7:27 PM: Harold Reynolds just groped Jon Hart’s assistant.
7:29 PM: Bubba Starling is number 1 on the Nats draft board and there is speculation that he could go here to the Royals. It is nut-cutting time for Nats fans.
7:30 PM: Royals take Bubba. Tyler is furious and yelling words that cannot be printed. Expletives are raining down like El Niño. Nats are on the clock and we have no idea what direction they are going.
7:31 PM: Tyler is punching the crap out of the air.
7:32 PM: Random thought, The NFL and NBA could really learn for the MLB who has 5 minutes in between picks, hardly any commercials, keeps it snappy, and keeps every one engaged.
7:33 PM: We are going back and forth breaking down college pitchers still available in the hopes the Nats take one of them. A few names are Sonny Gray out of Vandy, Taylor Jungmann out of Texas, or maybe Joe Bradley out of Georgia Tech. Either one of these guys would be just fine. Oh and by the way, Rendon is still available…
7:36 PM: Nats select Anthony Rendon! Tyler is convulsing on the floor, how can you draft a guy that has injury concerns at 21 years old? John Hart just asked Rendon if he would be open to playing another position. It's not a possibility that he will switch positions…it's a definite. We’re pretty sure the Natties have an All-Star 3B in D.C. Rizzo is skyrocketing up Tyler's shitlist. Or maybe Rizzo is waving the white flag on signing Zim to another country. Anyway, Rendon is the best college hitter in the country, but his body is already failing him. The risk is high, but the reward is higher.
7:38 PM: Anthony Rendon just said in his interview, “I’m excited, there is so much going through my mind right now.” Like what? Allow us to speculate:
1) I’m going to D.C. where all of my moves will be analyzed by the Battle of the Beltway?!?! Crap, those guys are so friggin’ good at what they do.
2) I just got a text from Tyler Clippard telling me to meet him at Clarendon Ballroom to celebrate. What the hell is Clarendon Ballroom?
3) Tonight is my 21st birthday, why the hell am I talking to Greg Amsinger and Jon Hart?
4) Why is my shoulder still hurting?
5) Who is Mike Rizzo and why did he sound like such a douche on the phone?
7:41 PM Bud Selig just let out a long exhale. I’m sorry Bud are we boring you? D-Bags draft Archie Bradley, a high school pitcher out of Oklahoma. Rewind the tape…you read that right. I said D-Bags. Did anyone else watch the 4 game set in Arizona this past weekend? Well let’s just say there is a freshly minted rivalry. The D-bags come to town for ANOTHER 4 game set in August. Pack the Park folks!
7:44 PM: Tyler still has smoke coming out of his ears. Ben is trying to talk him off the ledge.
7:45 PM: The tormented team and town that is Cleveland is now on the clock, knowing their luck, they won't get the pick in time. Carlos Baerga is the representative for the Indians, I'm guessing Albert Belle turned them down. It looks like Baerga has taken full advantage of his retirement by starting a second career as a Colombian coke dealer.
7:46 PM The Indians take Francisco Lindor, a switch hitting short stop. I wonder what Assdribble Cabrera thinks about this?
7:49 PM: The first Super Chicken fart has been released. Nostrils are burning and eyes are watering.
7:51 PM: Tyler peruses ESPN.com and notices USC's 2004 National Championship has been removed. Finally we can all say Matt Lineart has done nothing in the last 7 years.
Tyler: “Matt Leinart has officially done nothing with his life.”
Ben: “Not true, he banged Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, and Nick Lachey.”
7:53 PM: Bud Selig emerges from behind the curtain. He is inching closer and closer to death with each pick. We know nothing about Javier Baez (the Cubs selection) except that he isn’t filing bankruptcy. Interesting move, let’s see how that works out for them.
7:55 PM: Orioles’ pick Dylan Bundy is on the screen getting interviewed and he has about as much charisma as Bud Selig’s turds. Dylan Bundy has that serial killer look in his eyes. We might want to check the Bundy family tree and make sure there are no branches connected to Ted.
7:56 PM: Did anybody else see the ring on Dylan Bundys hand!?!?!!??!
7:57 PM: Harold Reynolds just groped the production director.
7:59 PM: The Padres have just taken a guy with the funniest name in the draft. Spangenburg. Everyone say it with me…Spangenburg. The MLB Network just showed the past five first rounders for the Padres. Not one of them is in the big leagues yet, two of which aren’t even in their system anymore. Stay classy San Diego.
8:00 PM: Will somebody please tell Selig to clear his throat. He sounds as raspy as a chain smoking old lady on a Bingo binge.
8:01 PM: 7-Eleven run.
8:12 PM: And we’re back. To Twix ice cream bars, a bottle of apple juice, and an Arnold Palmer. Energy has been pumped back into the war room here!
8:15 PM: The Mets select, Brandon Nimmo, who the hell cares, the Mets are terrible. The last outfielder the Mets drafted was Lastings Milledge…that went well.
WAAAAAAIIIITTTTTT A MINUTE!
8:16 PM: Brandon Nimmo is the “best player out of Wyoming, ever”, says MLB host, Matt Yallof. Being the best baseball player in Wyoming’s history is the same as being the tallest midget.
8:18 PM: Harold Reynolds just said Brandon Nimmo has great “barrel awareness.” This may be more irrelevent than when Mike Mayock talks about a football player’s ankle flexion, or when Jay Bilas talks about how long a basketball player is. And these guys are experts…I repeat EXPERTS. I think we could make up a term to describe a player and we could become experts. How about, “this guy has great leather awareness”, “or this guy fastball is so live which is due to his index finger dexterity.” Ok one more: “this guy’s legs are so strong which stems directly from his fantastic fibula flow.”
8:21 PM: The Marlins select Jose Fernandez; Peter Gammons says this is typical of the Marlins. Is that because he's latino? Come on Pete, you’re better than that.
8:31 PM: More internet perusing has led us to an interesting nugget. UCLA lost in the opening round of the College World Series Regionals to UC Irvine. How do you get knocked out of a double elimination format with two pitchers who get drafted in the top 3???
8:32 PM: The Los Angeleeees (As Bud pronounces it) Dodgers select…some guy who will see half of his signing bonus go to Jamie McCourt. Shoulda signed a prenup before the draft dude.
8:37 PM: Jonathan Mayo is on the screen again. No seriously, who is this virgin???
8:38 PM: Even the dog thinks our Super Chicken farts smell terrible.
8:39 PM: The Los Angeleees Angels of Anaheim (they are still going by that?) are about to pick and Harold Reynolds just said, “let’s see if they take an athlete here.” No Harold they are going to take a software engineer from the Silicon Valley.
8:42 PM: Harold Reynolds just groped the makeup girl.
8:43 PM: Did this no name ass hat Greg Amsinger just ask where Rod Carew would go if he were in this draft? Obviously, he was met with the sounds of silence.
8:44 PM Bud Selig is still awake! And he is still as fascinating as watching paint dry. Where is Minka???
8:45 PM: Harold Reynolds just groped Bud Selig.
That’s all we can really handle tonight. The O’s get a high school pitcher and the Nationals take an injury prone hitting prospect. Now we have to wait and see how this will all pan out. We are going to try and remain positive and see the silver lining, but our lifelong passion for D.C. sports has prepared us to hope for the best yet expect the worst. I hope you all enjoyed our ramblings and we cleared up this whole MLB Draft thing for ya. If you learned anything from us it’s that Super Chicken farts smell terrible, and Harold Reynolds is a serial groper.
Questions, comments, concerns, do not hesitate to emails us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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