Friday, August 3, 2012

2 Legit 2 Quip: Things That Are Mark Reynolds's Fault

 We are sick and tired of having to watch Mark Reynolds play the game we love.  He is a bigger stain on Birdland than the one Tyler left in his underwear after eating two burrito bowls.  Reynolds strikes out with a runner on third and less than two outs more than the amount of chicken sandwiches Pat Robertson had on Wednesday. 

His failure to change his approach at the plate is baffling. You would think someone who is hitting .210 with 8 home runs would shorten up a little bit but that is as foreign to Reynolds as 3rd period French class. 

His defense is even worse! It doesn't matter whether he is playing first base, third base, or helping the grounds crew put the tarp down on the infield.  The man can’t help but make error after error.  He needs to be designated for assignment faster than Andy Reid can say “can I super size that please?”

This whole Mark Reynolds fiasco has gone on far enough.  Therefore our unadulterated disdain for Mark “The Butcher” Reynolds has reached it’s breaking point and we have created a list of things that may or may not be Mark’s fault…but to us he is solely responsible.   

Way to lay off that inside pitch, Meat.

1) The Economy
2) Our country’s unemployment numbers.
3) Famine
5) Darfur
6) Chinese Badminton Team’s lack of ethics
7) The Misadventures of John Orozco featuring the Pommelhorse
8) British people’s teeth
10) Gianni Forgetting to Pull Out
11) Snooki’s Dad Forgetting to Pull Out
12) The salaries of the cast the Jersey Shore
13) Bachelor Pad
14) Gigli
15) French Judges in the Olmypics
16) THIS
17) Lindsey Lohan’s Drug Problem
18) Kristen Stewart’s philandering bringing down the Twilight Saga
19) 50 Shades of Grey
            Quick Sidebar: It started as “50 Shades of Gay: Mark Reynolds’ Guide to Bro- Mance”. But    then the title was changed, the female protagonist took the place   of a male protagonist and the rest is just housewives and hand grenades, as they say.
20) When the Levees Broke In New Orleans
            Quick SideBar: Mark Reynolds forgot to double check and put the final lock down to secure the levees. It was his only job, but it’s cool…it’s just another error on his stat sheet.
21) THIS
22) The Long Lines at Chick-FIl-A
            Sidebar: Ben had to explain to Tyler why there such long lines at Chick-Fil-A on Wednesday. After going into detail about Chick-Fil-A’s stance on gay marriage and what it meant to go to Chick-Fil-A on “Customer Appreciation Day”, Ty responded with a poetic and hilarious reaction:
            “Or if you maybe if you went in to Chick-Fil-A on Wednesday you just wanted           delicious chicken WITH GAME CHANGING SAUCES.  Seriously though, today's sign of apocalypse is the population is using fast food as a medium to debate social issues. If zombie Martin Luther King saw this, he would go on a face eating rage spree."

…Which is a great segue (did you know that's how "seg-way," is spelled? How weird is that? Mark's fault:  Spelling errors) … 23) Bath Salts

24) Jake Arrieta’s complete and utter lack of command.
25) Brian Matusz’s inability to FIGURE IT OUT!
26) The Redskins (already mounting) Offensive Line troubles.
27) That hot chick at the bar giving you a fake phone number.
28) Greenland is melting.
            Quick Sidebar: Global Warming is real and it is Mark Reynolds fault. Polar Bears hate Mark Reynolds.
29) The Second Mile
30) THIS 

Dude has hands like a deer.

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