Monday, September 26, 2011

2 Legit 2 Quip: DALLAS WEEK!

There are some pretty great weeks throughout the year.  The week leading up to Christmas (or the week of Hanukah), Vacation weeks during the summer, and for you girls who decide your birthday should be a national freaking holiday, your birthday week.  But I challenge you to name a week that is better than Dallas week!  Its a week reserved for hating the Dallas Cowboys and letting everyone know about it.  It has been a truly awesome week on twitter, with everyone's anti Tony Romo tweets, and the phenom we Redskins fans spew towards the Cowboys and their fan base. Tonight the 2-0 Redskins head to Jerry Jones's eye sore of a stadium to take on the 1-1 Cowboys.  Romo is listed as questionable, which coincidentally is how many of us Redskins fans feel about his sexuality.  However, he is expected to play because as Jon Gruden says, "he's just tough!"  Sorry Jon, but Tony Romo is about as tough as two sorority sisters in a pillow fight.  What? That never happens? Damn you porn and lies you've fed to us for years.  Also listed as questionable for tonight is Dez Bryant, but the only thing questionable about him is when he will pay off his debts.  We generally pump out our one-liners on Friday's but we decided to work all week and craft you a masterpiece in another installment of our one-liners on game day.  So before you sit back and relax and watch our beloved Redskins cruise to 3-0, enjoy our line crossing personal shots at our hated rivals...the Dallas Cowboys.

Even ignores Dez Bryant’s phone calls.

Dez Bryant defaults on payments as often as Andy Reid orders dessert.

Dez Bryant pays his bills as often as Clinton portis scores TDs in 2011.

Dez Bryant will pay his bills on time when Bill Belichick reveals an in-depth injury report.

Dez Bryant will pay his bills on time when the NBA actually plays a regular season game.

Dez Bryant will start paying his bills when his mother pays her pimp.

Not sure which is worse, Dez Bryant's credit score, or Casey Anthonys’, “parenting.”

Not sure which is worse, Dez Bryant's credit score, or Lindsey Lohan's "attempts to stay sober."

Not sure which is worse, Dez Bryant's credit score, or Rick Perry's chances in 2012.

Eastern Motors won’t sell Dez Bryant a car.

Even MC Hammer thinks Dez Bryant is bad with money.

Even Ethan Albright thinks Jason Garrett is a terrifying ginger.

Carrot top is working Jason Garrett into his bit, nickname, “Red-rimmed ring leader”.

The last time Jason Garrett's wife went down on him she received 3rd degree burns. Fire crotch loser.

The last time Rob Ryan saw his feet, Rex Ryan didn't care about women's feet.

The last time Rob Ryan saw his feet, Dez Bryant was humble.

The last time Rob Ryan saw his feet, Mike Vick thought dogs were cute and cuddly.

The last time Rob Ryan saw his feet, Red Sox fans complained and whined and we actually felt sorry for them.  You’ve won 2 rings in the past 7 years…no one feels sorry for this year’s AWESOME collapse.

The only thing bigger than Cowboys Stadium’s big screen is Rob Ryan’s waistline.

The only thing more inflated than Jose Bautista’s statistics is Rob Ryan’s waistline.

Rob Ryan will be missing the Cowboys game on Thanksgiving because he has prior engagements to perform in the Macy’s Day Parade. For those who are interested…he will be floating over 5th Avenue around 9:30 AM. 

Rob Ryan is the answer to the question, “if there were a fatter, more offensive, dumber, and more disheveled Rex Ryan, what would that look like?”

Rob Ryan is the answer to the question, “What would Ron Jeremy look like if he were fatter, greyer, and even more disgusting?”

Dallas Stadium has an opening in the roof so God has somewhere take a dump…not “so he can watch on Sundays.”

The big screen in the middle of Cowboys Stadium is nothing more than God's Urinal cake.

Jerry Jones has had more face lifts and tummy tucks than a Potomac housewife.

If Michael Jackson were alive he’d slap Jerry Jones in the face for giving face lifts a bad name.

Even Joan Rivers thinks Jerry Jones new face lift looks ridiculous.

Tony Romo’s ribs weren’t broken by anything football related.  He was deepthroating Witten at halftime, and that’s what punctured his lung and cracked his rib.

What we didn’t go far enough on that one? How about…

Tony Romo had a punctured lung and played through it.  People thought he was tough.  Not so, Witten’s been puncturing that anus for the last 5+ years.

The only thing tougher than Tony Romo is the audience at a Justin Bieber concert.

The only person tougher than Tony Romo is this guy.

The only thing tougher than Tony Romo is Tony Sparano’s chances of keeping his job after week 4.

Two babies eating applesauce are tougher than Tony Romo.

The only thing tougher than Tony Romo is Lou Bega’s attempt at a comeback.

The only thing tougher than Tony Romo are Rob Ryan’s chances of losing his “baby fat”.

Chaz Bono’s nothing spot is tougher than Tony Romo.

Questions, comments, concerns, please do not hesitate to email us

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And check us out on Facebook at “Battle of the Beltway” for updates, posts, and pictures of Tyler in scantily clad clothing.

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