Let’s start by saying CONGRATULATIONS!! It’s Friday in late march, weather is getting better and the days are getting longer and longer. In honor of this glorious time of year, and also in celebration of the upcoming weekend, we’d like to introduce something new to the warzone, our weekly top 10 list. This week we’ll be examining all the different types of drunks that we come across on a nightly basis. Keep in mind these are in no particular order, we’ll let you decide the hierarchy of what type of drunk you want to be and what type you don’t. Trust us, if you’re reading this you fall into one of these categories, enjoy!
1) Happy Drunk: This guy is the man. Complete with red cheeks, glazed over eyes, a perpetual shit eating grin, this bro is literally untouchable. He is somehow able to diffuse any awkward situation by saying something so crazy the only thing anybody can do is laugh at this obliviously happy goon.
2) Hungry Drunk: What a pain in the ass this dude is. It’s 12:30 you’re working your A game on your chosen slambox for the evening, and this dumbass comes meandering over to you swinging his full beer around screaming about how he needs some McNuggets. Meanwhile what you’re ready to feed him is a knuckle sandwich because you just noticed the bridge troll you were trying to hit skins with wandered over to the Affliction tee across the bar….Thanks dick.
3) Fake Rich Drunk: Every group needs this guy. This man lives with his parents, has a shitty job and never has any cash. That is until you go out on Saturday night, and he is off like he’s been shot out of a cannon. He bellies up to the bar with a, “six shots of Patron barkeep!!” Once the bartender gets over being totally pissed off and offended by being called a “barkeep,” he pours the shots and calls your friend a fag, without him hearing of course.
4) Depressed Drunk: Why does this douche ever drink? One game of pong into the night and he has you cornered listening to Michelle Branch and he’s asking you gems like, “why don’t I have a girlfriend? Am I ugly, do I not have a good personality…?” To which your only response can be, “are you fucking serious right now?” I mean if I wanted to have a heart to heart on a Saturday night, then I would have just stayed in and watched Dr. Phil on the DVR.
5) Extreme Drunk: Apparently this guy thinks he’s Superman. He’s halfway through his first wine cooler and he’s betting you $100 that he can do a back flip off of the garage. This is the same guy that will walk around in public, have to piss, and pull his dick out on the street because he thinks it’s, “SWEET!” Bro, pulling out your 2.5 inch trouser worm isn’t sweet, oh and by the way, you just pissed on your fresh DC shoes.
6) Weird Drunk: Who invited this guy? They say money and fame make you more of what you already are; well the same can be said for liquor. This guy rolls over to your place halfway through his first gin based drink that he mixed in a thermos from third grade, and it’s at that point you know, this guy’s fucking weird. You almost can’t bring this guy out, whether you introduce him to your friends and they look at you in total disgust, or you listen to ANOTHER of his horrible jokes, you realize again, MY GOD THIS GUY’S WEIRD!
7) The Quiet Drunk: Ho boy is this guy hard to figure. The scene is…you’re all hangin out at a bar, obviously beating back chicks with a broom handle, all of the sudden you realize, “Holy Shit, where is this guy?” You look around the bar quickly but it’s the quick glance to your right that reveals the cold, dead eyes of what you think is an extra from The Ring, but no, that’s your quiet drunk friend. Watching you dance and hit on everything that doesn’t have a set of balls with a strange look of satisfaction on his face. This guy hovers, when you’re talking to a girl at the bar he stands awkwardly next to you/behind you and does not make a peep. When you are denim-dogging a lady on the dance floor he can be relied on to stand directly at your three o’clock…one foot away. And believe you me, he is not busting a move. If he were dancing then his move would be called the “No. 2 Ticonderoga”.
8) The Overly Confident for No Reason Drunk: It’s after his third sea breeze that this monster really starts to emerge from his deep slumber. He’ll hit you with motivational masterpieces like, “Bro! We’re gonna get so much crazy hot box on that dance floor tonight it won’t even be fair, bro!” Or, “Dude we’re the fuckin sweetest bros in here tonight everybody else might as well leave.” It’s at that point you remind him, if everybody left we’d be alone in a bar, great Saturday night…loser.
9) The Angry Drunk: This one’s always a treat. So they’re about 4 appletini’s deep and suddenly this schmuck starts getting angry for no reason. He’s denied his green drink of choice and he’s getting all pissy, you say, “well hey guy, there’s 2 bartenders and 30 other drunk clowns trying to get drinks also, you gotta relax.” To that he says, “Fuck you man, all I want is a drink!” It’s not just the service, no that would be too easy, it’s the, “shitty music this DJ is playing,” or, “All the ugly chicks here!” Everything sets off this Mt. Vesuvius of an asshole. That’s when you know, you have an angry drunk on your hands. So strap in and enjoy the shitstorm!
10) The Sloppy Drunk: You did it, you read the whole list and this is it, the time has come, the most unintentionally funny, possibly brain dead of your friends. The Sloppy Drunk. This person will drink literally anything if they know it’ll get them to tip-toe that very thin line between drunk and comatose. These people have no edit button and no self control, both instincts possibly permanently incapacitated due to the weekly beat down they issue their brains and livers. This is the person that’ll get so drunk they’ll trip on fresh air, fall to the ground in a heap, and laugh so hard they literally piss themselves. All while you’re recording it on your iPhone of course. They rip shots at 3 am when they can barely get their mouths open not to mention the fact they’ve been taking a break from the English language for the past 4 hours. These people are the butt of every joke; these people are the random hook-ups you have in college. These people are the ones you see walking downtown at 9 am in mud covered heels or a torn button down shirt with a tattered beater underneath. They serve as a cautionary tale, to all of us, that if go down the dark and mysterious path of drinking to blackout, this is the life you will lead.