Monday, March 14, 2011

Public Service Announcement #1

By Ben

Good day, my name is Ben and I am here today to bring your attention to very serious problem in our society.   There is a very serious condition that is crippling women all over our United States.  (Fun fact: these colors don’t run!)  It is a condition that cripples many women, and causes many beautiful moms, daughters, and sisters to question whether life is either worth living.  It has been the cause of repetitive rejections from men, job interviews, and fertility clinics.   This condition is known medically as Separatus Non-Existos, but better known as “cankles”.  A cankle is when there is no clear separation between a woman’s calf and her ankle.  They simply form together into a unified and blobby rectangle.  

It is a scary and cruel world out there, and women have enough to worry about with their appearance.  They are judged everyday on their hair, nails, face, rack, and what kinda wagon they are draggin’. They do not need to doubt their beauty and intelligence just because they lack the proper definition that should reside betwixt the calf and ankle.  Women flip on the television and they see fit, beautiful, and curvy goddesses with perfectly sculpted ankles.   It must be devastating for those suffering from such a life-stunting condition.  Nobody wants a stumpy leg, and no one wants to look at stumpy legs.  But I am here today to be that voice.  I am here to let those of you out there know that is OK, ladies. Cankles cannot stop you from accomplishing your dreams; unless your dream is to one day wear those gladiator sandals that seem to be so popular.  If that is your dream you may have to drop that like the Enola Gay circling Hiroshima.  Let’s be honest you’ve got a better chance of marrying Neil Patrick Harris, than you do wrapping those straps around your stumps.  But other than that you’re golden!  Many famous and inspirational women suffer from this condition.  These ever so brave women have given a face and a voice to your stumpy existence.  And I’m not just talking about Kathy Bates, I’m talking about the gorgeously MILFtastic Denise Richards, everyone’s favorite bad girl from the right side of the tracks Mischa Barton, and even the pants-suit enthusiast Hillary Clinton.  (Quick sidebar: Slick Willie must be into that sort of thing because you know Monica is rocking two honey baked hams where her ankles should be.) You think I’m making this stuff up? Have a gander at these famous and powerful women freely flaunting their lack of calf and ankle separation.

I thank the good lord for two things everyday: my hang-down and the firmly obvious separation between my calves and ankles.  I have never been with a woman with cankles, nor do I ever plan on it. But we can’t let my shallow pickiness get in the way of the support you so desperately deserve. There are women, young and old, who deal with the daily stomach-churning decisions of what they can wear in order to hide their cankles, or frankly what will fit around those chunkers.  Thank god for the elastic in socks! Am I right sisters?!?!   Fear and embarrassment are no longer options gals!  Embrace your cankles, flaunt those bad boys like a diamond necklace-ace-ace (a la Ke-dollar sign-Ha).  Rise up together (please take your time standing up because it cannot be easy balancing yourself on those tone-less tree stumps) as a united front and say to yourselves that it’s ok!   No longer should some jerk get away with calling you “Stumpzilla” or “Tolkien-Legs”.  The days of rejection are over, and it is time to unleash those dreams.  Go out and be an actress, a lawyer, or an egg donor.  I hope that those suffering from this condition can once and for all live their lives without barriers.  And remember, a life without separation between the calf and ankle, is a life without limits.

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