With the Super Bowl still over a week away, instead of writing meaningless and unimportant posts about the Senior Bowl or the Pro Bowl we have decided to swear off sports for the week. Our Week of Non-Sports Related Content continues with another Top Ten List.
We love parties. We love throwing them. We love attending them. The holiday season has come and gone and New Year’s Eve was a rip-roaring success. We don’t know about you guys, but Battle of the Beltway Inc. attended more parties this holiday season than Andray Blatche during the NBA Lockout. OK, that is a bit of a reach cuz nobody throws a party like an Andray Blatche party cuz an Andray Blatche party don’t stop!
But putting aside Andray Blatche’s suspect work ethic, we can all agree that as great as these parties can be, they are susceptible to being attended by a select few; a group of guys whose level of jackassary cannot be touched by even these guys. They commit more party fouls than Rasheed Wallace committed technical fouls during his NBA career. This past holiday season brought a lot of holiday cheer, too much eggnog, and it provided us with an opportunity to identify some of the worst party goers that have crossed our paths and undoubtedly yours as well.
10) Guy Who Gets too Drunk
This guy can be hilarious, but only at his expense. We’ve all seen this guy in action. He’s like that horse in the Breeder’s Cup race that comes out way too strong and way too fast, but you know eventually he is going to slip. His decline is so swift that even Blaine Gabbert’s football career lasted longer. The first sign that this guy has had too much to drink is when his eyes become lifeless and glossy. This is where this guy has gone from being part of a group into someone’s responsibility. This is the guy who stands in the corner and either makes inappropriate comments to every girl who walks by even though he can’t open his eyes, or he begins to hit on the fichus plant that is standing next to him. It comes to a point where this guy can no longer compose coherent sentences and latches on to one sentence and repeats it all night.
“Joe. You good, man?”
Joe: “It’s not even hot.”
“How’s your beer?”
Joe: “It’s not even hot.”
“Dude take a sit and relax.”
Joe: “It’s not even hot.”
9) Self Appointed Lord of the Festival
This guy, for no reason is the most territorial d-bag at any party. He walks in, participates in a game of beer pong and takes it upon himself to be the sheriff of the sign up list. Of course, this colossal ass clown is crooked and puts himself on the list every third game, even though he's working on 3 straight L's by 5 cups…every time, but that's neither here nor there. Also, this dicknozzle isn't content to ruin everyone’s game experience, no no, it has to be a full on audio assault. Whether it's his barrage of unreleased Nirvana tracks, or maybe it's his "enthusiasm," for Milli Vanilli, this guy has no idea that he is killing any and all momentum of a good time for your patrons. Lest we forgot, NOBODY ASKED THIS GUY FOR ANY OF THIS!
8) Serial One Upper
It's about 11:45, you're about 7 deep and are feeling just confident enough to talk to, "the untouchable." However, you notice a guy that you don’t know well, but just well enough for him to come up to you when you see him at a party, of course he's going to come up! Not only is this guy not NEARLY as interesting as he thinks he is but also he WILL NOT let you work any game, without throwing his 1-cent in. You happen to be talking about your college athletic career. Of course this jagoff was all-state in high school, got drafted but blew out his arm, so he never made it. You graduated summa cum laude from college, with a pre-med degree. He's in his third year of med school. HEY FUCKER, WALK AWAY!!! Let's not forget, everything he says is a lie, this cock is also known as the anti-wingman.
7) The Gray Phatntom (The Sweatsuit Guy)
Let's get one thing clear. We here at BoB do not condone the recent phenomenon of dudes wearing their little sisters clothes. Whether it's a large cotton tee from Gap Kids, or a pair of carrot legged jeans from Joe's that highlight the tic-tac pack he calls a sack, none of it, is ok, EVER!
However, the Neanderthal we really can't handle takes it to the other extreme. This guy shows up with a half finished 6 pack of Schlitz, in old DC shoes, and his most exquisite pair of $3 sweatpants, with of course, matching hoody. Well from all of us at the party, we'd like to extend a hearty thank you for classing up the joint. Thank you for not bathing, OR showering. Thank you as well for springing for that $7.50 6 pack, which, of course you've had 2.5 on the drive over! Not to mention the lovely parking spot you found on the lawn. And who could possibly overlook the potent and unmistakable scent of an unwiped ass. You've done it again bro...
6) Officer Douche of the Fun Police
This guy has appointed himself Judge Judy for the night and passes judgment on any and all comers. Whether you're hitting on a steer or just working on shot #16 of Rikoloff, you can expect to hear from this asshat. With comments like, "you sure you want to do that?" and, "dude, you can do better," he manages to slow any and all positive momentum until every partygoer has either left, or is huddled around watching the third rerun of Sportscenter. This is basically the male version of the cockblock. This guy’s night always ends the same way, all alone in his precinct interrogating his own member of society.
5) DJ Nazi Beats
Every party needs music, whether it is a full on dance party, or if there is just some solid tunes playing in the background. It’s just like Vince Vaughn said in Wedding Crashers “Who gives a shit, it’s good no matter what as long as there’s music in the air!” Rule number 1 of attending a party is never touch the host’s music player, whether it’s an iPod, channel 845 on Direct TV, or someone’s MAC playing wirelessly through the house because it’s hooked up to the Apple Router (that’s how we do it at the Thunderdome baby!). DJ Nazi-beats anoints himself the music man for the evening even though everyone wishes he would kindly leave. This jerk never lets any song finish and jumps from song to song more than Derek Jeter hands out gift baskets with autographed baseballs. The worst part is he never leaves the vicinity of the music player, I mean this guy posts up here all night. We wish this guy was more like Andray Blatche and would just hover around the perimeter aimlessly, rather than posting up at the music station. DJ Nazi-Beats always has the worst taste in music and only knows 6-7 songs so those are on a loop for the remainder of the evening. Someone needs to get this guy 12 shots of tequila or a towel laced in chloroform STAT because if we have to hear Limp Bizkit one more time, this party is going to be emptier than the theater playing Jack & Jill.
4) Captain Cover Band
3) Overly Competitive Beer Pong Guys
Beer Pong is a great asset to any party. It’s a quick way to get some beers in your system, it provides entertainment, and most importantly it confines some of the biggest jerks at every party to one area and isolates them away from people who prefer to have fun. Beer pong is meant to be a fun way to get your buzz on while at the same time engaging in some friendly competition. However, the line of friendly competition can become blurred fairly quickly and all it takes is one dynamic duo of douchebaggery who somehow make it to every party you’ve ever been too. These guys think beer pong should be an Olympic Event and treat it as such. They talk trash, pump their fist with every made cup, and hoot and holler with every splash. The give each other high fives which quickly turn into chest bumps, which then turn into bear hugs, which culminate in over the top groping. These guys get louder and prouder with every win, while the number of girls in the room diminishes. Next time you attend a party and these guys are there, check to see how many girls leave with them. Our guess is that it is the same number as championships that Lebron has won.
This can be one guy, but just like the overly competitive beer pong players, they tend to travel in packs of two. These guys, nobody understands. The only time it is acceptable to take off your clothes while playing beer pong is if you are playing “Strip Pong” against members of the opposite sex. However, Strip Pong is about as common as Rex Grossman going a full game without throwing an interception. In a regular game of beer pong there is no need for guys to take off their shirts ESPECIALLY when they are playing other guys. We have seen girls take off their shirts in efforts to distract the guys they were playing, and that is to be encouraged. But if guys think that they have the same effect then they are sorely mistaken. Nobody wants to see your pudgy mid-section with your curly nipple hair. Nobody wants to see your pasty body in December or January. If you’re hot at a party, go outside, or open a god-forsaken window!! We recently witnessed the Shirtless Beer Pongers in full effect and let us just say that we’ve seen more abs in an episode of the Biggest Loser than we saw in that beer pong game. Here is our message to the guys deem it necessary to delouse themselves at the beer pong table:
You’re not turning any girls on, in fact, as soon as girls see that abortion you call a core, they start to run away like their hair is on fire. For all of us, PLEASE, keep your shirt on, and don’t be an asshole.
1) I Brew My Own Beer Guy/Microbrew enthusiast Guy
These two guys drew so much venom from both of us that we had to lump them together. Ben will provide the background on each prick, and Tyler will deliver his own personal message to them. Try and keep up…
Ben: This is pretty much the same guy because whether it’s a homemade brew or some IPA from a brewery in Montana, this guy shows up to a party with beers that no one wants to drink…or tells the story about where they are from. We both enjoy microbrews just as much as the next guy, but bringing them to parties in order to tell people all about the beer you just bought at Harris Teeter in attempt to make yourself more of an acceptable human being is a party technical foul. You just cost your team two points and possession of the ball simply because you felt the party needed to be enlightened with your knowledge of The Long Trail Winter Lager. We like drinking our beers; not being told the Gulliver’s Travels of the beer.
Tyler: Micro Brew Enthusiast, you are a real schmuck. Oh hey, great skinny jeans by the way, didn’t know your balls were so smooth, glad that’s squared away. Buddy, there’s nothing wrong with bringing a 30 rack of any of the big three of light beers, (Coors, Bud, Miller, heck even Natty Light). You can’t be bothered though can you? Nope, you figured you’d spend $24 on a six-pack even though you work a $8.50/hr job; act your wage, dick.
Ben: We think brewing your own beer is a really cool hobby, but do not bring that rat urine to the party. There is no conversation we hate more than being stuck with the guy who just whipped up a fresh batch of the lager he just crafted in his mom’s basement. “Well this batch is special because I used a little bit of apples, butterscotch, and even cupped my hand, farted into it, and let that hover over the cauldron as the beer fermented.” We recently witnessed one of the best exchanges that left the Home-Brewer shocked and legitimately crushed:
HomeBrewGuy: “Here, try this fresh batch of Argyle Ale (he proceeded to lift up his trousers and reveal a pair of argyle socks) I just crafted. It’s good, its kind of like Sam Adams winter lager only it’s got a little zing to it.“
American Hero: Takes sip. Does not even swallow, but spit-takes the rest of the beer all over the kitchen. “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!?! Dude, hand me that Natty. I gotta wash that taste out of my mouth.”
If people prefer Natural Light to your “home-brew”, it may be time to hang it up and focus on more important things, like how to not be a drag at every party you attend.
Tyler: First of all, NOBODY CARES! Any schmuck with a refrigerator that can read, can brew their own beer. Oh, what’s that? You only brought three beers, and you didn’t think it’d be necessary to pick up more beer or liquor. Well those are strikes two and three right there. Yea we really love how you made your own beer, didn’t bring enough for everyone, and then let us have a sample sip of your hopped up bath water. Did you notice every one throwing up? Nope, the whole party didn’t have too much to drink, but actually I think it was your shitty beer brewed in your dirty ass toilet that got everybody sick. Thanks guy, oh and by the way, if I ever see you again, I’m going to jam my homemade shank in your liver.
There you have it folks, the Top Ten Worst Guys at EVERY Party. If you disagree with our list, odds are you are one of these ten.