This week's previous lists:
Monday: Top Ten One Hit Wonders From the 90's
Wednesday: Top Ten Worst Guys at Every Party
You girls thought you were safe huh? After ripping a select group of 10 Jerkoffs a new set of buttholes yesterday, we felt that it was time to put the women in their place. Because when it comes to parties, women are no angels. A party without girls is not party at all, it’s a sausage fest. However, we would rather have 1,000,000 sausage fests than have to put up with these 10 girls…
10) The Scupper (The Drunk Slut)
Not every party has one, and as you get older they become harder to pick out, but like Novocain, if you give it time, the skanks will show their colors. Your first clue is when you look at her and you see she’s taking that beer bottle down a little too deep in her throat, then shoots you a wink…clearly she has your attention. You go over and start a conversation, 15 minutes later your pants are down and your dick keeps disappearing and reappearing in her mouth like some sort of magic trick. It’s at that point that one of two things is going through your head. One, “AWESOME!!” Two, if she’s doing this to me after a short conversation, how many other dudes has she pulled this on? Your stomach turns and the shame sets in. You then turn into Ace Ventura after he realized Einhorn was Finkle and Finkle was Einhorn.
9) “Fire Siren Girl”
This girl has a normal sounding voice, but as soon as she rips a couple shots of Pinnacle Cotton Candy, her voice goes up infinitely higher. Shrill does not even begin to describe it; the pitch in this girl’s voice causes dogs to run and hide under the table. This is no laughing matter folks; people’s lives are in danger when partying with this girl, and we are not just talking about the 2-3 ear drums she causes to bleed at every party she attends. The biggest transgression may have occurred at a Halloween party we attended a while back. Everyone was enjoying themselves and having a good time when all of a sudden people started stop-dropping-and-rolling. People started crawling on the ground towards the exit to stay below the smoke because they thought the smoke alarm was going off. It turned out that it wasn’t the smoke alarm going off but rather Fire Siren Girl was regaling some unfortunate souls with stories of her most recent drunken escapades. This can be dangerous because the last thing anyone needs is for this girl to attend a party in which there actually is a fire because everyone will assume it’s just Fire Siren Girl running her yap. When in reality it is the actual smoke alarm warning everyone they are about to get burned like DeAngelo Hall (trying to cover any wide receiver) if they don’t start evacuating.
8) Ms. Donald Trump of the Dance Floor Girl
This girl is brutal. She buys up plots of the dance floor like Donald Trump in New York City in the 1970’s and 1980’s. She takes over the dance floor by bum rushing the area designed for dancing and casts bodies aside like they are kindling for the fireplace. A common attribute of this girl is that she exclaims “OH MY GOD THAT’S MY SONG!” every time a new song comes on. She snatches up songs like Albert Haynesworth snatches up turkey legs at Old Country Buffet. This girl thinks her life is being directed by John Hughes and expects everyone at the party to spontaneously form a circle around her. Yet the only circle that is formed around her is because this girl is launching her arms and legs all over the place like she was the daughter of Gumby and Lara Flynn Boyle. Someone may lose an eye if they get near her during her attempt to “Dougie”.
7) “Amber Alert Girl”
It's safe to assume that we all know this girl all too well. The saying goes, “heaven forbid she lose anything” but God must have called in sick because this girl loses her phone, her keys, or her handbag at EVERY party she attends. She turns into a mother whose child has been abducted and she instantly becomes suffocating with her overdramatic hysteria. She’s the one who lost her stuff, and she’s the only one with consequences, yet she makes it everyone’s problem. She essentially turns the whole party into one large search committee that even Jonbenet Ramsey’s parents wish were around when they “needed” them. It is hilarious though to see how many guys leap at the opportunity to help this girl look for her lost belongings. Every guy wants to be the hero in the hope of scoring some, and they start digging in the couches like a dog out in the backyard. And just like the dog, these guys just want to bury their bone, heyo!
We’ve all seen this girl in action at a party, and it is painfully obvious when something of her’s goes missing. She runs into the room with a very urgent and pressing issue; think Ron Burgundy on a diving board, only not funny. She starts hyperventilating and getting out of breath like the actor formerly known as Jonah Hill in gym class. Maybe its all part of her elaborate plan to get guys attention and see how many guys want her. We think Amber Alert Girl and Fire Siren Girl should Thelma and Louise themselves right off the cliff.
6) The Girl That Thinks She Can Drink Like a Guy
Lets start by saying that this girl sober is definitely the coolest girl you know. The problem is that all the times that you’ve brought her in to the bro circle she believes that once alcohol gets involved she can keep up with the guys. Always to no avail. It starts with her offering to do a beer run or pour shots -always appreciated- next thing you know you look over and see the destruction. While you and the guys are working on beer number seven she’s already started crying about her lousy boyfriend and crummy job. Her night always ends with her head in a toilet praying to the Porcelain Gods. We all saw it coming, it’s just a shame she felt the need to try and keep up, which we all knew was never going to happen.
5) Girl Who Brings Her Boyfriend
Let the record state that bringing a boyfriend to a party is clearly not a party foul. We love meeting new people especially when these people are boyfriends who get dragged to parties hosted by their girlfriend’s friends. We like these guys because we have been in the same shoes a time or two and it’s always nice to have allies, just ask France. The only problem with this situation is when this guy becomes a loose cannon, and since everyone at the party only knows the girlfriend, she is fairly or unfairly the one to blame. Signs that maybe this guy is a loose cannon consist of him getting belligerently hammered; he becomes violent; or in most cases, both. Another disturbing sign is when he is hitting on every other girl at the party except his girlfriend, who in turn plays it off and starts to sound like the female of version of Derek Anderson.
The one positive that this couple of chaos brings to the party are the stories told the next morning by everyone else. It is at this time that the boyfriend is no longer known by the name he introduced himself as but as “Remember when Jenny’s boyfriend…”
As in: “Remember when Jenny’s boyfriend tripped over the table and then tried to jump up and fell over again?”
Or “Remember when Jenny’s boyfriend went after Frank with the dog bone?”
Or “Remember when Jenny’s boyfriend started telling everyone he played for the Capitals, and that he leads the MLB in touchdowns?”
If you are this girl and you are bringing your boyfriend to your company’s party or a party hosted by your friends just ask yourself a few questions before bringing him:
-Does my boyfriend have a fetish with fire?
-Does my boyfriend have a tendency to get obliterated with booze and threaten everyone who walks by him?-Is my boyfriend a colossal d-bag, yet I continue to ignore that because he takes me to the Olive Garden once a month?
4) The Girl With The White Wig (Let us know if Stieg Larsson steals this title!)
ORDER! ORDER! Please rise…the Honorable Judge Uppityskank is now presiding over the party. This girl either sits on a couch or stands in a corner of the room armed with an artillery of scowls and disgusted looks as she judges (hence the “White Wig”) every other girl there. She critiques their outfits, their hair, their shoes, EVERYTHING. This girl does not move from her perch and does not talk to anyone unless she is joined by a like-minded girl/her partner-in-bitchdom. But in most cases this girl ends up sitting/standing by herself because she literally hates EVERY other girl, and no one wants to be around her and her negativity. This girl is one of the absolute worst girls at a party. No seriously, nicer people gather at Klan rallies.
3) Let’s Do Shots of Shitty Vodka All Night Girl
This girl is Pinnacle of annoying. See what we did there? If you didn’t catch that joke, then you are lucky. But if you understood that joke then you are probably this girl. Every party has this Popov Promoter, EVERY PARTY!!! She walks in with a purse the size of a duffle bag; she’s either toting a midget in that burlap or it’s a handle of the finest vodka that only plastic has the structural integrity to hold. She whips that handle out like it’s some undiscovered treasure she had to brave the Temple of Doom to unearth it. When really she just had to look at the bottom shelf and grab whatever she could get her mitts on. As she pulls the bottle of motor oil she calls Vodka out -clearly hammered- she then drops the shitty bottle of Rikolof and laughs like a boy discovering his first boner. Not to mention this chick is always the loudest thing at the party, drowning out all conversations, music and drinking games. For the first hour of the party she’s trying to organize shots that NEVER actually happen because she gets distracted by shiny things. She never gets close to finishing her Ukraine Urine, until you see her at the next party with that same friggin' bottle of liquor that sucked in college. Maybe it’s time to stop bringing Swedish Fish flavored vodka to every party you go to sweetheart.
2) Ms. Mutombo (The Cock Block)
This chick is the most well known (and deservedly so), and worst received girl at any party. Funny correlation, isn’t it? Rarely are these girls physically attractive, basically in any way, but make no mistake: they have no problem making their presence felt when you’re trying to HAVE A CONVERSATION with another girl. It’s so funny, because as a dude, you can SEE the nutty wheels turning in this girl’s heads.
Picture this: A Guy is talking to a girl when Ms. Mutombo unleashes her assault:
“OH MY GOD, she is NOT talking to him! Wait, what if she likes him? What if she gets naked on the spot and starts having sex with him? I can’t let that happen, I’m stepping in.”
The next thing you know, you’re innocently listening to your new friend go on about her dog, and her ginormous friend walks in to kill any good vibes you had going your way. Consider your cock, blocked.
1) The Smurfette (The Cock Tease)
Arguably the worst girl in the game, today. Eerily similar to the drunk slut because she starts out nice, but gets a little scary. She secures your attention one harmless touch or glance at a time. Next thing you know you’re smitten. Anyways, for whatever reason as soon as you talk to this girl, she makes you feel like you need to tell your boys, “dude, I think she’s in to me, I think I’m gonna take her down!” To which your buddy, if he’s willing and able to mess with you says, “ GO FOR IT!!” All the while he knows what kind of games this Venus Flytrap plays; in fact, chances are he’s fallen for them before too. Needless to say, after you’ve been working a strong game for 2 hours, she ups and leaves never to be seen again. And there you are, just you and your Smurf hued balls…