2 Legit 2 Quip: 2012's Early Returns

It has been a while since we hit you guys with a Friday full of one-liners, and frankly we are not so sure why that is.  It probably had a lot to do with the way 2011 ended with Jerry Sandusky and Bernie Fine's stomach-turning scandals.  Naturally, we had about 6 pages worth of jokes on those two, but every moral bone in our body forced us to keep them under wraps.   

2012 is young, but celebrities have been active.  The rich and famous have been getting divorced, married, having oopsie-daisy-babies, and giving their babies ridiculous names.  Celebrities have been very busy and therefore so have we, because mocking them has become one of our favorite pastimes.  We couldn’t do it alone so we brought in our expert celebrity-mocker Allie to help us come up with some funny stuff for you guys.  Sit back, enjoy, and help us laugh at those who have more millions than they know what to do with, Terrell Owens not included.

First off, a big congratulations to the recently engaged Jessica Biel and Justin Trousersnake. However…

A flight attendant has a better chance of taking Alec Baldwin's phone, than Jessica Biel does at making Justin Trousersnake monogamous.

Jessica Biel called Newt Gingrich the other night so she can learn what an undisclosed open marriage looks like.

Chaz Bono made a name for itself towards the end of 2011 with it’s appearance on Dancing With The Stars.  The fame must’ve gone to it’s head as it split up with it’s long time fiancé…

Chaz Bono broke off his engagement with Jennifer Elia in December. We may be a little late to this party, but we always knew he wasn't man enough to go through with it.

A moment of silence for those we lost this year…..including Jennifer Elia’s relevance…..

 Chaz Bono broke off his engagement to Jennifer Elia, we assume it’s to focus on growing a full beard.

 Chaz Bono broke off his engagement to Jennifer Elia, because he caught Jennifer using his old diIdo.

If Ashton Kutcher leaves Two and a Half Men, they will look to replace him with Chaz Bono to be the ½ man.

Steven Tyler is more of a woman than Chaz Bono ever was.

  

Speaking of Steven Tyler…

Perez Hilton thinks Steven Tyler need to tone it down a bit.

Rob Lowe has just announced that Steven Tyler is in fact a man. (Sources denied this being true)

Another couple decided to call it quits in 2011, and that was the short lived Kim Kardashian and Kris Humprhies…

Kris Humphries wants Kim back….so he dipped his dong  a can of black paint.

The line to trick or treat at Casey Anthony’s house was longer than Kris and Kim’s marriage.

  

It’s a shame Kim Kardashian couldn’t pick up a second season on her marriage.

 2012 has gotten off on the right foot with divorces involved Russell and Katy, Demi and Ashton, and Heidi and Seal…

Demi Moore has checked herself into rehab for exhaustion. It must be from trying to keep up with a guy half her age.

Demi Moore just needs to get back in the gym and Whip-It back into shape…

 

Even Jonah Hill thinks Demi Moore is looking a little too thin these days.

(No seriously, even  Star Jones thinks Jonah Hill’s new look is a little suspect)

Demi Moore is so thin, she may need to get on the Miley Cyrus diet. (NSFW)

Russell Brand wants to release a tell all book, including personal details about Katy Perry.  Her people are worried the readers will find out she only has sex in missionary position.

Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari announced they were re-engaged and then followed that up with the news of being pregnant (accidentally).

Too bad DeAngelo Hall wasn’t covering Kristin’s netherregions.

The Cutler-Cavallari nightstand was out of DeAngelo's(their cute petname for rubbers), so they decided to wing it. OOPS.

 Clearly Kristin’s downtown-dynamo was only bringing 3 guys to rush the passer, dropping the other 8  in “coverage”.

 Kristen’s legs play a better wide 9 technique than Dwight Freeney.

 Give Cutler time and he can drive his ball….THE ball down the throa….the FIELD….DRIVE THE BALL DOWN THE FIELD.

When asked about the condom he used Jay said, “ I was expecting it, I’m used to failed blocking schemes.”  Cut to the Bears o-line looking at each other…

 The Cutler-Cavallari Alliance weren’t the only ones with baby news…

Jay-Z and Beyonce named their daughter Blue Ivy Carter. We have no joke here because Jay-Z and Beyonce thinking this is a good idea is the biggest joke of all.

2012 has also seen celebrities doing randomly stupid things whether it was Rihanna’s latest decision to get a questionable tattoo…

Rihanna got “thug life” tattooed across her knuckles.  Cause nothing says thug life like having dated Matt Kemp.

Rihanna’s THUG LIFE tattoo makes as much sense as Jusin Trousersnake getting a tat that says MONOGAMY4ME.

Rihanna’s THUG LIFE tattoo makes as much sense as Chaz Bono getting a tat that says GIRL POWER.

Rihanna’s THUG LIFE tattoo makes as much sense as Jeremy London getting a tat that says STABLE.

Rihanna’s THUG LIFE tattoo makes as much sense as Pat Sajak getting a tat that says WORKPLACE ETHICS. 

Rihanna’s THUG LIFE tattoo makes as much sense as Ryan Seacrest getting a tat that says STRAIGHT.

Rihanna’s THUG LIFE tattoo makes as much sense as Anna Benson getting matching tats that say SANE & RATIONAL.

Rihanna’s THUG LIFE tattoo makes as much sense as Angelina Pivarnick getting a tat that says RELEVANT.

 And of course there is Terrell Owens who has blown through the $80 million he made in his NFL career…

Terrell Owens made $80 million in his career but is now broke.  It appears he went to the H&R Block seminar held by MC Hammer.

Terrell Owens famously once had 25 millions reasons to live.  He now has 80 millions reasons to jump off a bridge.

Top Ten Worst Girls at EVERY Party

With the Super Bowl still over a week away, instead of writing meaningless and unimportant posts about the Senior Bowl or the Pro Bowl we have decided to swear off sports for the week. Our Week of Non-Sports Related Content continues with another Top Ten List.

This week's previous lists:
Monday: Top Ten One Hit Wonders From the 90's
Wednesday: Top Ten Worst Guys at Every Party

You girls thought you were safe huh? After ripping a select group of 10 Jerkoffs a new set of buttholes yesterday, we felt that it was time to put the women in their place.  Because when it comes to parties, women are no angels.  A party without girls is not party at all, it’s a sausage fest.  However, we would rather have 1,000,000 sausage fests than have to put up with these 10 girls…

10)  The Scupper (The Drunk Slut) 

Not every party has one, and as you get older they become harder to pick out, but like Novocain, if you give it time, the skanks will show their colors.   Your first clue is when you look at her and you see she’s taking that beer bottle down a little too deep in her throat, then shoots you a wink…clearly she has your attention.  You go over and start a conversation, 15 minutes later your pants are down and your dick keeps disappearing and reappearing in her mouth like some sort of magic trick.  It’s at that point that one of two things is going through your head.  One, “AWESOME!!” Two, if she’s doing this to me after a short conversation, how many other dudes has she pulled this on?  Your stomach turns and the shame sets in.  You then turn into Ace Ventura after he realized Einhorn was Finkle and Finkle was Einhorn. 

9)  “Fire Siren Girl”

This girl has a normal sounding voice, but as soon as she rips a couple shots of Pinnacle Cotton Candy, her voice goes up infinitely higher.  Shrill does not even begin to describe it; the pitch in this girl’s voice causes dogs to run and hide under the table.  This is no laughing matter folks; people’s lives are in danger when partying with this girl, and we are not just talking about the 2-3 ear drums she causes to bleed at every party she attends.  The biggest transgression may have occurred at a Halloween party we attended a while back.  Everyone was enjoying themselves and having a good time when all of a sudden people started stop-dropping-and-rolling.  People started crawling on the ground towards the exit to stay below the smoke because they thought the smoke alarm was going off.  It turned out that it wasn’t the smoke alarm going off but rather Fire Siren Girl was regaling some unfortunate souls with stories of her most recent drunken escapades.  This can be dangerous because the last thing anyone needs is for this girl to attend a party in which there actually is a fire because everyone will assume it’s just Fire Siren Girl running her yap. When in reality it is the actual smoke alarm warning everyone they are about to get burned like DeAngelo Hall (trying to cover any wide receiver) if they don’t start evacuating.  

8) Ms. Donald Trump of the Dance Floor Girl

This girl is brutal.  She buys up plots of the dance floor like Donald Trump in New York City in the 1970’s and 1980’s.  She takes over the dance floor by bum rushing the area designed for dancing and casts bodies aside like they are kindling for the fireplace.  A common attribute of this girl is that she exclaims “OH MY GOD THAT’S MY SONG!” every time a new song comes on.  She snatches up songs like Albert Haynesworth snatches up turkey legs at Old Country Buffet.  This girl thinks her life is being directed by John Hughes and expects everyone at the party to spontaneously form a circle around her.  Yet the only circle that is formed around her is because this girl is launching her arms and legs all over the place like she was the daughter of Gumby and Lara Flynn Boyle.  Someone may lose an eye if they get near her during her attempt to “Dougie”.  

 7) “Amber Alert Girl”

It's safe to assume that we all know this girl all too well.  The saying goes, “heaven forbid she lose anything” but God must have called in sick because this girl loses her phone, her keys, or her handbag at EVERY party she attends.  She turns into a mother whose child has been abducted and she instantly becomes suffocating with her overdramatic hysteria.  She’s the one who lost her stuff, and she’s the only one with consequences, yet she makes it everyone’s problem. She essentially turns the whole party into one large search committee that even Jonbenet Ramsey’s parents wish were around when they “needed” them.  It is hilarious though to see how many guys leap at the opportunity to help this girl look for her lost belongings. Every guy wants to be the hero in the hope of scoring some, and they start digging in the couches like a dog out in the backyard.  And just like the dog, these guys just want to bury their bone, heyo!

We’ve all seen this girl in action at a party, and it is painfully obvious when something of her’s goes missing.  She runs into the room with a very urgent and pressing issue; think Ron Burgundy on a diving board, only not funny.  She starts hyperventilating and getting out of breath like the actor formerly known as Jonah Hill in gym class.  Maybe its all part of her elaborate plan to get guys attention and see how many guys want her.  We think Amber Alert Girl and Fire Siren Girl should Thelma and Louise themselves right off the cliff.

6) The Girl That Thinks She Can Drink Like a Guy

Lets start by saying that this girl sober is definitely the coolest girl you know.  The problem is that all the times that you’ve brought her in to the bro circle she believes that once alcohol gets involved she can keep up with the guys.  Always to no avail.  It starts with her offering to do a beer run or pour shots -always appreciated- next thing you know you look over and see the destruction.  While you and the guys are working on beer number seven she’s already started crying about her lousy boyfriend and crummy job.  Her night always ends with her head in a toilet praying to the Porcelain Gods.  We all saw it coming, it’s just a shame she felt the need to try and keep up, which we all knew was never going to happen.

5)  Girl Who Brings Her Boyfriend

Let the record state that bringing a boyfriend to a party is clearly not a party foul.  We love meeting new people especially when these people are boyfriends who get dragged to parties hosted by their girlfriend’s friends.  We like these guys because we have been in the same shoes a time or two and it’s always nice to have allies, just ask France.  The only problem with this situation is when this guy becomes a loose cannon, and since everyone at the party only knows the girlfriend, she is fairly or unfairly the one to blame.  Signs that maybe this guy is a loose cannon consist of him getting belligerently hammered; he becomes violent; or in most cases, both.  Another disturbing sign is when he is hitting on every other girl at the party except his girlfriend, who in turn plays it off and starts to sound like the female of version of Derek Anderson.

The one positive that this couple of chaos brings to the party are the stories told the next morning by everyone else.  It is at this time that the boyfriend is no longer known by the name he introduced himself as but as “Remember when Jenny’s boyfriend…”

As in: “Remember when Jenny’s boyfriend tripped over the table and then tried to jump up and fell over again?”

Or “Remember when Jenny’s boyfriend went after Frank with the dog bone?”

Or “Remember when Jenny’s boyfriend started telling everyone he played for the Capitals, and that he leads the MLB in touchdowns?”

If you are this girl and you are bringing your boyfriend to your company’s party or a party hosted by your friends just ask yourself a few questions before bringing him:

-Does my boyfriend have a fetish with fire?

-Does my boyfriend have a tendency to get obliterated with booze and threaten everyone who walks by him?

-Is my boyfriend a colossal d-bag, yet I continue to ignore that because he takes me to the Olive Garden once a month?

4) The Girl With The White Wig (Let us know if Stieg Larsson steals this title!)

ORDER! ORDER! Please rise…the Honorable Judge Uppityskank is now presiding over the party.  This girl either sits on a couch or stands in a corner of the room armed with an artillery of scowls and disgusted looks as she judges (hence the “White Wig”) every other girl there.  She critiques their outfits, their hair, their shoes, EVERYTHING.  This girl does not move from her perch and does not talk to anyone unless she is joined by a like-minded girl/her partner-in-bitchdom.  But in most cases this girl ends up sitting/standing by herself because she literally hates EVERY other girl, and no one wants to be around her and her negativity. This girl is one of the absolute worst girls at a party.  No seriously, nicer people gather at Klan rallies.

 3) Let’s Do Shots of Shitty Vodka All Night Girl

This girl is Pinnacle of annoying. See what we did there? If you didn’t catch that joke, then you are lucky.  But if you understood that joke then you are probably this girl. Every party has this Popov Promoter, EVERY PARTY!!!  She walks in with a purse the size of a duffle bag; she’s either toting a midget in that burlap or it’s a handle of the finest vodka that only plastic has the structural integrity to hold.  She whips that handle out like it’s some undiscovered treasure she had to brave the Temple of Doom to unearth it.  When really she just had to look at the bottom shelf and grab whatever she could get her mitts on.  As she pulls the bottle of motor oil she calls Vodka out -clearly hammered- she then drops the shitty bottle of Rikolof and laughs like a boy discovering his first boner.  Not to mention this chick is always the loudest thing at the party, drowning out all conversations, music and drinking games. For the first hour of the party she’s trying to organize shots that NEVER actually happen because she gets distracted by shiny things.  She never gets close to finishing her Ukraine Urine, until you see her at the next party with that same friggin' bottle of liquor that sucked in college. Maybe it’s time to stop bringing Swedish Fish flavored vodka to every party you go to sweetheart.

2) Ms. Mutombo (The Cock Block)

This chick is the most well known (and deservedly so), and worst received girl at any party.  Funny correlation, isn’t it? Rarely are these girls physically attractive, basically in any way, but make no mistake: they have no problem making their presence felt when you’re trying to HAVE A CONVERSATION with another girl.  It’s so funny, because as a dude, you can SEE the nutty wheels turning in this girl’s heads. 

Picture this: A Guy is talking to a girl when Ms. Mutombo unleashes her assault:

“OH MY GOD, she is NOT talking to him! Wait, what if she likes him? What if she gets naked on the spot and starts having sex with him? I can’t let that happen, I’m stepping in.”   

The next thing you know, you’re innocently listening to your new friend go on about her dog, and her ginormous friend walks in to kill any good vibes you had going your way. Consider your cock, blocked.

 

1) The Smurfette (The Cock Tease)

Arguably the worst girl in the game, today.   Eerily similar to the drunk slut because she starts out nice, but gets a little scary.  She secures your attention one harmless touch or glance at a time. Next thing you know you’re smitten.  Anyways, for whatever reason as soon as you talk to this girl, she makes you feel like you need to tell your boys, “dude, I think she’s in to me, I think I’m gonna take her down!”  To which your buddy, if he’s willing and able to mess with you says, “ GO FOR IT!!”  All the while he knows what kind of games this Venus Flytrap plays; in fact, chances are he’s fallen for them before too. Needless to say, after you’ve been working a strong game for 2 hours, she ups and leaves never to be seen again.  And there you are, just you and your Smurf hued balls…

Top Ten Worst Guys At EVERY Party

With the Super Bowl still over a week away, instead of writing meaningless and unimportant posts about the Senior Bowl or the Pro Bowl we have decided to swear off sports for the week. Our Week of Non-Sports Related Content continues with another Top Ten List. 

Here's Monday's Top Ten if you missed it: Top Ten One Hit Wonders from the 90's

We love parties. We love throwing them. We love attending them. The holiday season has come and gone and New Year’s Eve was a rip-roaring success. We don’t know about you guys, but Battle of the Beltway Inc. attended more parties this holiday season than Andray Blatche during the NBA Lockout. OK, that is a bit of a reach cuz nobody throws a party like an Andray Blatche party cuz an Andray Blatche party don’t stop!

But putting aside Andray Blatche’s suspect work ethic, we can all agree that as great as these parties can be, they are susceptible to being attended by a select few; a group of guys whose level of jackassary cannot be touched by even these guys.  They commit more party fouls than Rasheed Wallace committed technical fouls during his NBA career.  This past holiday season brought a lot of holiday cheer, too much eggnog, and it provided us with an opportunity to identify some of the worst party goers that have crossed our paths and undoubtedly yours as well. 

10)  Guy Who Gets too Drunk

This guy can be hilarious, but only at his expense.  We’ve all seen this guy in action.  He’s like that horse in the Breeder’s Cup race that comes out way too strong and way too fast, but you know eventually he is going to slip.  His decline is so swift that even Blaine Gabbert’s football career lasted longer.  The first sign that this guy has had too much to drink is when his eyes become lifeless and glossy. This is where this guy has gone from being part of a group into someone’s responsibility. This is the guy who stands in the corner and either makes inappropriate comments to every girl who walks by even though he can’t open his eyes, or he begins to hit on the fichus plant that is standing next to him. It comes to a point where this guy can no longer compose coherent sentences and latches on to one sentence and repeats it all night. 

Example: 

“Joe. You good, man?”

Joe: “It’s not even hot.”

“How’s your beer?”

Joe: “It’s not even hot.”

“Dude take a sit and relax.”

Joe: “It’s not even hot.”

9)  Self Appointed Lord of the Festival

This guy, for no reason is the most territorial d-bag at any party.  He walks in, participates in a game of beer pong and takes it upon himself to be the sheriff of the sign up list.  Of course, this colossal ass clown is crooked and puts himself on the list every third game, even though he's working on 3 straight L's by 5 cups…every time, but that's neither here nor there.  Also, this dicknozzle isn't content to ruin everyone’s game experience, no no, it has to be a full on audio assault.  Whether it's his barrage of unreleased Nirvana tracks, or maybe it's his "enthusiasm," for Milli Vanilli, this guy has no idea that he is killing any and all momentum of a good time for your patrons.  Lest we forgot, NOBODY ASKED THIS GUY FOR ANY OF THIS!

8) Serial One Upper


 It's about 11:45, you're about 7 deep and are feeling just confident enough to talk to, "the untouchable."  However, you notice a guy that you don’t know well, but just well enough for him to come up to you when you see him at a party, of course he's going to come up!  Not only is this guy not NEARLY as interesting as he thinks he is but also he WILL NOT let you work any game, without throwing his 1-cent in.  You happen to be talking about your college athletic career.  Of course this jagoff was all-state in high school, got drafted but blew out his arm, so he never made it.  You graduated summa cum laude from college, with a pre-med degree.  He's in his third year of med school.  HEY FUCKER, WALK AWAY!!!  Let's not forget, everything he says is a lie, this cock is also known as the anti-wingman.


7) The Gray Phatntom (The Sweatsuit Guy)

 Let's get one thing clear.  We here at BoB do not condone the recent phenomenon of dudes wearing their little sisters clothes.  Whether it's a large cotton tee from Gap Kids, or a pair of carrot legged jeans from Joe's that highlight the tic-tac pack he calls a sack, none of it, is ok, EVER! 

However, the Neanderthal we really can't handle takes it to the other extreme.  This guy shows up with a half finished 6 pack of Schlitz, in old DC shoes, and his most exquisite pair of $3 sweatpants, with of course, matching hoody.  Well from all of us at the party, we'd like to extend a hearty thank you for classing up the joint.  Thank you for not bathing, OR showering.  Thank you as well for springing for that $7.50 6 pack, which, of course you've had 2.5 on the drive over!  Not to mention the lovely parking spot you found on the lawn. And who could possibly overlook the potent and unmistakable scent of an unwiped ass.  You've done it again bro...

6) Officer Douche of the Fun Police


This guy has appointed himself Judge Judy for the night and passes judgment on any and all comers.  Whether you're hitting on a steer or just working on shot #16 of Rikoloff, you can expect to hear from this asshat.  With comments like, "you sure you want to do that?" and, "dude, you can do better," he manages to slow any and all positive momentum until every partygoer has either left, or is huddled around watching the third rerun of Sportscenter.  This is basically the male version of the cockblock.  This guy’s night always ends the same way, all alone in his precinct interrogating his own member of society.

5) DJ Nazi Beats

Every party needs music, whether it is a full on dance party, or if there is just some solid tunes playing in the background.  It’s just like Vince Vaughn said in Wedding Crashers “Who gives a shit, it’s good no matter what as long as there’s music in the air!”  Rule number 1 of attending a party is never touch the host’s music player, whether it’s an iPod, channel 845 on Direct TV, or someone’s MAC playing wirelessly through the house because it’s hooked up to the Apple Router (that’s how we do it at the Thunderdome baby!).  DJ Nazi-beats anoints himself the music man for the evening even though everyone wishes he would kindly leave.   This jerk never lets any song finish and jumps from song to song more than Derek Jeter hands out gift baskets with autographed baseballs.  The worst part is he never leaves the vicinity of the music player, I mean this guy posts up here all night. We wish this guy was more like Andray Blatche and would just hover around the perimeter aimlessly, rather than posting up at the music station. DJ Nazi-Beats always has the worst taste in music and only knows 6-7 songs so those are on a loop for the remainder of the evening.  Someone needs to get this guy 12 shots of tequila or a towel laced in chloroform STAT because if we have to hear Limp Bizkit one more time, this party is going to be emptier than the theater playing Jack & Jill.

4) Captain Cover Band

But even worse than DJ Nazi Beats is his cousin, Captain Cover Band. We've all seen this guy in action.  This guy is usually off in the corner working on his own 12 pack of Pabst, rocking his faded -two sizes two small- black Metallica shirt.  As soon as he walks in you know he'll be a non-factor.  That is until he gets a hold of the iPod.  The first thing he does is announce that he found the iPod, followed by, "It's ok guys, I got the tunes!!"  At this point everyone looks around, nervous but willing to give it a chance.  At which point he hits us with AC/DC, the aforementioned Metallic, and follows it up with some Staind.  All great bands on their own merit, but in mixed company on a Friday night, no thanks.  Not only does he play the music, but he becomes the showman we all knew he was.  He starts bouncing around, air guitaring the first four cords and singing the first four words, because we all know he doesn't know anything else.  The more the song plays, the less this guy sings until the chorus hits, and he’s back to being the lead singer.  This guy ruins more songs than a chatty chick at the theater ruins movies. 

3) Overly Competitive Beer Pong Guys

Beer Pong is a great asset to any party.  It’s a quick way to get some beers in your system, it provides entertainment, and most importantly it confines some of the biggest jerks at every party to one area and isolates them away from people who prefer to have fun.  Beer pong is meant to be a fun way to get your buzz on while at the same time engaging in some friendly competition.  However, the line of friendly competition can become blurred fairly quickly and all it takes is one dynamic duo of douchebaggery who somehow make it to every party you’ve ever been too.   These guys think beer pong should be an Olympic Event and treat it as such.  They talk trash, pump their fist with every made cup, and hoot and holler with every splash.  The give each other high fives which quickly turn into chest bumps, which then turn into bear hugs, which culminate in over the top groping.  These guys get louder and prouder with every win, while the number of girls in the room diminishes.  Next time you attend a party and these guys are there, check to see how many girls leave with them.  Our guess is that it is the same number as championships that Lebron has won.  

2)  Shirtless Beer Pong Guys

 

This can be one guy, but just like the overly competitive beer pong players, they tend to travel in packs of two. These guys, nobody understands.  The only time it is acceptable to take off your clothes while playing beer pong is if you are playing “Strip Pong” against members of the opposite sex.  However, Strip Pong is about as common as Rex Grossman going a full game without throwing an interception. In a regular game of beer pong there is no need for guys to take off their shirts ESPECIALLY when they are playing other guys.  We have seen girls take off their shirts in efforts to distract the guys they were playing, and that is to be encouraged.  But if guys think that they have the same effect then they are sorely mistaken. Nobody wants to see your pudgy mid-section with your curly nipple hair.  Nobody wants to see your pasty body in December or January.  If you’re hot at a party, go outside, or open a god-forsaken window!! We recently witnessed the Shirtless Beer Pongers in full effect and let us just say that we’ve seen more abs in an episode of the Biggest Loser than we saw in that beer pong game.  Here is our message to the guys deem it necessary to delouse themselves at the beer pong table:

You’re not turning any girls on, in fact, as soon as girls see that abortion you call a core, they start to run away like their hair is on fire.  For all of us, PLEASE, keep your shirt on, and don’t be an asshole.

1)  I Brew My Own Beer Guy/Microbrew enthusiast Guy

These two guys drew so much venom from both of us that we had to lump them together.  Ben will provide the background on each prick, and Tyler will deliver his own personal message to them. Try and keep up…  

Ben: This is pretty much the same guy because whether it’s a homemade brew or some IPA from a brewery in Montana, this guy shows up to a party with beers that no one wants to drink…or tells the story about where they are from.  We both enjoy microbrews just as much as the next guy, but bringing them to parties in order to tell people all about the beer you just bought at Harris Teeter in attempt to make yourself more of an acceptable human being is a party technical foul.  You just cost your team two points and possession of the ball simply because you felt the party needed to be enlightened with your knowledge of The Long Trail Winter Lager.  We like drinking our beers; not being told the Gulliver’s Travels of the beer.

Tyler: Micro Brew Enthusiast, you are a real schmuck.  Oh hey, great skinny jeans by the way, didn’t know your balls were so smooth, glad that’s squared away.  Buddy, there’s nothing wrong with bringing a 30 rack of any of the big three of light beers, (Coors, Bud, Miller, heck even Natty Light).  You can’t be bothered though can you? Nope, you figured you’d spend $24 on a six-pack even though you work a $8.50/hr job; act your wage, dick. 

Ben: We think brewing your own beer is a really cool hobby, but do not bring that rat urine to the party.  There is no conversation we hate more than being stuck with the guy who just whipped up a fresh batch of the lager he just crafted in his mom’s basement.  “Well this batch is special because I used a little bit of apples, butterscotch, and even cupped my hand, farted into it, and let that hover over the cauldron as the beer fermented.”  We recently witnessed one of the best exchanges that left the Home-Brewer shocked and legitimately crushed:

HomeBrewGuy: “Here, try this fresh batch of Argyle Ale (he proceeded to lift up his trousers and reveal a pair of argyle socks) I just crafted.  It’s good, its kind of like Sam Adams winter lager only it’s got a little zing to it.“

American Hero: Takes sip. Does not even swallow, but spit-takes the rest of the beer all over the kitchen.  “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!?! Dude, hand me that Natty. I gotta wash that taste out of my mouth.” 

If people prefer Natural Light to your “home-brew”, it may be time to hang it up and focus on more important things, like how to not be a drag at every party you attend.

Tyler: First of all, NOBODY CARES!  Any schmuck with a refrigerator that can read, can brew their own beer.  Oh, what’s that? You only brought three beers, and you didn’t think it’d be necessary to pick up more beer or liquor.  Well those are strikes two and three right there.  Yea we really love how you made your own beer, didn’t bring enough for everyone, and then let us have a sample sip of your hopped up bath water.  Did you notice every one throwing up? Nope, the whole party didn’t have too much to drink, but actually I think it was your shitty beer brewed in your dirty ass toilet that got everybody sick.  Thanks guy, oh and by the way, if I ever see you again, I’m going to jam my homemade shank in your liver.

 There you have it folks, the Top Ten Worst Guys at EVERY Party.  If you disagree with our list, odds are you are one of these ten.