Thursday, October 27, 2011

The Hypothetical Supplemental Draft

The NBA is in a lockout. Did you even notice? We know, game 6 of an incredible World Series is tonight (Rangers up 3-2, in case you’ve been living under a rock), the Caps are 7-0 and playing the Oilers tonight, and the Redskins are 3-3 but have more players in the nurse’s office then the Camp Hope Softball team when they play Camp MVP.  With all that said it appears, the NBA really is not a big concern for most of you.  But it is for us!  Today the NBA announced that another 2 weeks of the season have been cancelled, and games will not start until after Thanksgiving at the earliest.   The NBA labor negotiations are going as swimmingly and as peaceful as the McCourt Divorce hearings so do not expect to see any professional basketball games anytime soon. 

Many of you could care less, but this is really a bad thing for us basketball fans.  The 2010-2011 NBA season was awesome! Young superstars like Derrick Rose, Kevin Durant, Blake Griffin, and John Wall emerged, the Miami Heat became public enemy no. 1, and the Dallas Dirks, ahem, Mavericks beat the Heat in the NBA finals.  The NBA was making a strong comeback thanks to the deep talent pool, compelling storylines, and less than 4 stories of NBA players committing a crime.  Then this friggin’ lockout completely kills all headway that the NBA made last year.  The fans they regained have already left, and the only ones left are the diehards.  The NBA players Union and the owners continue to be far apart on every major category that they are arguing over.  Of course it does not help to let Javale McGee anywhere near the meetings. Hey Javale just go back to tweeting pictures your latest planking poses and leave the mediation up to guys who know how to tie a tie. 

There are many issues on the table during these meetings, none of which we truly understand or have worthy suggestions for, but one thing that is clear is that there needs to be contraction.  Thirty teams in the NBA are just too many teams, and even though star power in the league couldn’t be higher, the overall talent pool is becoming very watered down.  Teams in smaller markets are losing money faster than M.C. Hammer in the 90’s, and we think some teams just gotta go.  The four teams we think the NBA should get rid of are the New Orleans Hornets (ticket sales have been down ever since Katrina…), the Toronto Raptors (the Lockout is all Canada’s fault anyways, right?), the Charlotte Bobcats (Conrad Murray not giving Michael Jackson the drugs 6 years ago was a bigger mistake than the Bobcats), and the Sacramento Kings (two words: The Maloofs).  You might be asking yourself…but what happens to all of the players on these four teams?  We have concocted an idea in which these players will be entered into a draft involving the remaining 26 teams.  This is sort of like the opposite of an expansion draft, a de-expansion draft if I may.  The draft order is done by last year’s regular season records, and trades are very much allowed and strongly encouraged.  Whenever you see a picture of David Stern, this means “we have a trade.” So without further ado I give to you the Hypothetical Supplemental NBA Draft!

The Cleveland Cavaliers are on the clock…


The Cleveland Cavaliers trade the first overall pick, Jamario “Don’t Call Me Jackie” Moon, and Baron Davis to the Minnesota Timberwolves for the third overall pick, Sebastian Telfair, and a $50 gift card to Target. 

1) THE MINNESOTA TIMBERWOLVES SELECT: CHRIS PAUL PG, formally of the New Orleans Hornets.
 That’s right folks, David Kahn can’t say no to a point guard, like Josh Beckett can’t say no to the Colonel’s crispy strips. 
Minnesota’s PG depth chart now reads:
1)   Chris Paul
2)   Ricky Rubio
3)   Luke Ridnour
4)   The guy who ate Baron Davis, yet now claims to be Baron Davis.

The New Jersey Nets are on the clock….

2) THE NEW JERSEY NETS SELECT: ANDREA BARGNANI F/C, formally of the New Jersey Nets.
We made this pick to form a decent enough front court, made up of Brook Lopez at center and Kris Humphries will bang down low, and he will also grab some rebounds when he plays basketball…

Bargnani can free lance around the outside and just shoot jumpers like all soft Europeans would prefer to do.  Deron Williams will run the point until he can leave via free agency, and this is a decent team that could back door the playoffs with a 6-8 seed. 

Quick Sidebar:  We failed to mention that Kris Humphries is a Free Agent, whenever the lockout is lifted.  We are assuming he will resign with the Nets and here is why.  There’s no chance Mikhail Prokhorov lets Kris Humphries-Kardashian leave right? Chumphries will get a new contract not because of his career year in 2010, but because of the chance to park Kim’s behemoth booty courtside 25-30 games a year.  Prokhorov cannot pass up the opportunity to have Khlodom Lite in his arena. It’s only a matter of time before the Kim and Kris have their own reality show “Kim and Kris: Marriage Bliss”.   Here’s an idea for the pilot: Kim catches Kris on Prokhorov’s yacht. You’re welcome E! 

The odds that Chumphries’s contract lasts longer than his marriage is at -800 in the Vegas Sportsbooks.  For you none gamblers that means a divorce is coming faster than Jim Levenstein on a webcast with Nadia.   Another possible scenario is that the marriage truly stands the test of time, and eager to cash in on his new fame, Chumphries retires from the NBA and starts a new league with his co-commissioner, Kim.  The league will be called the “Why are we Famous League” or the WFL.  The Kardashians and Kris open up on November 1st vs. their step brother Brody Jenner’s squad loaded with no-talent hacks like Spencer Pratt, Brandon Davis, Ty Pennington, and Robert Pattinson.  Jared Fogel is opening the season on the DL.  Best wishes to Kim and Kris!

Jeez, sorry, back to the draft.  The Cleveland Cavaliers on are the clock…

3) THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS SELECT KWAME BROWN, formally of the Charlotte Bobcats…
WHAT!?!?!?!  This has to be a bigger shock than the T-Wolves trading up to select yet another point guard.  Apparently Dan Gilbert was trying to send another hate filled tweet to Lebron James and accidentally selected Kwame Brown.  Sorry Cleveland, your owner is a moron and your city still sucks. Enjoy Kwame.

4) THE LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS SELECT TYREKE EVANS, formally of the Sacramento Kings.
If nothing else, this will make the Clippers one of the more exciting young teams in the whole league.  With Tyreke running point the Clippers will be running up and down the court all night.  A young nucleus of Gordon, Evans, and Blake Griffin is enough to have Bill Simmons re-up those season tickets until 2031. 

That’s right Zards fans, DeMarcus and John Wall are reunited, and it feels so good.  They will form a deadlier combo than Affleck and Damon, Montana and Rice, and Jessica Biel and a bikini. Hopefully being on the same team with his boy John Wall will refocus DeMarcus and cause him to take his career a little more seriously.  No more throwing punches at shoot-arounds or on team flights Boogie.  This gives D.C. a power forward (cut to Andray Blatche dropping his plate of Nachos in disgust) to play alongside the clueless yet freakishly athletic Javale McGee. John Wall needs all the help he can get, and this is certainly a start.


The Detroit Pistons trade the 6th pick and Richard Hamilton to the Chicago Bulls for Luol Deng and the 25th pick.  This pick makes sense for the Pistons because they get rid of the grumpy grandpa that is Rip Hamilton, and get a solid ball player in Luol Deng.  This gives the Bulls a scoring shooting guard that they have long coveted to play alongside Derrick Rose.

6) THE CHICAGO BULLS SELECT KEMBA WALKER, formally of the Charlotte Bobcats.  The newly acquired Rip Hamilton has maybe 40 games left in those legs of his, which is perfect because the 2011-2012 NBA season probably will not be much more than 40 games.  Let Kemba play behind Rip for a year, be that spark plug off the bench, and then when 2012-2013 rolls around Kemba and Derrick Rose will form one helluva dynamic back court.

7) THE MILWAUKEE BUCKS SELECT DAVID WEST, formally of the New Orleans Hornets.
The Milwaukee Bucks do not have a terrible team…when healthy.  But health has been a major concern for this squad since their absurdly overpaid leader, Michael Redd has zero cartilage left in his knees.  Former 1st overall pick Andrew Bogut has shown glimpses of All-Star ability, but ultimately succumbs to hang nails every year that land him on the DL.  David West is a very talented and effective forward and matches up nicely with Brandon Jennings.  We like West to go here in Milwaukee even if West hates having to live in Milwaukee.


The Golden State Warriors have traded the 8th pick and Monta Ellis to the Philadelphia 76ers for the 13th pick and Andre Igoudala.  This is a swap of big contracts that each team has been not so quietly trying to deal for a few years.  With Ellis leaving, Stephen Curry can finally spread his wings and do his thing.  Iggy will provide some toughness and defense that has been lacking in the Bay Area ever since the 70’s.  I really do not know how Philadelphia made the playoffs last year, but getting a consistent scorer like Ellis will only help them remain in this position.

8) THE PHILADELPHIA 76ERS SELECT TREVOR ARIZA, formally of the New Orleans Hornets.  Ok so the 76ers have picked up two large contracts with this trade and pick, but it ain’t our money and this is all from the land of make believe.  We like Ariza running along side Ellis, Lou Williams, and Thaddeus Young.  This would make the 76ers a very fun and explosive team.  And if Phil…I mean, Doug Collins wants to slow it down then he can just politely ask Elton Brand and Evan Turner to take the ice packs off their knees and come off the bench.

9) THE UTAH JAZZ SELECT JIMMER FREDETTE, formally of the Sacramento Kings.
And they are popping bottles of Sparkling Apple Cider in Provo and Salt Lake City.  The polygamous…I mean prodigal son has returned! Jimmer Freddette playing his professional basketball in Utah would be like if Tim Tebow played for the Dolphins.  These guys are icons and cult like figures in the states they attended college, and if they just played in these states that love them so much then we would never have to hear about them. It’s a win-win for everyone involved.  Joseph Smith would be proud.


The Phoenix Suns trade the 10th pick and Steve Nash to the New York Knicks for the 13th pick Landry Jones, Chauncey Billups, Shelden Williams, and Mark D’Antoni’s moustache.  Nash is reunited with D’Antoni, and the Suns get a veteran point guard with an expiring contract, a young role player who only Spike Lee will miss, and Candace Parker’s baby daddy. Yay.

10) THE NEW YORK KNICKS SELECT DEMAR DEROZAN, formally of the Toronto Raptors.   Demar can start instantly at the two and play alongside Nash in the backcourt.  Derozan is a runner and a dunker and will fit in very nicely in D’Antoni’s run and gun offense even if his two best players Melo and Amare are ball stoppers. Spike Lee’s Landry Fields jersey just became worthless. It’s ok Spike, atleast you still have those ridiculous Yankee Hats.

11) THE HOUSTON ROCKETS SELECT EMEKA OKAFOR, formally of the New Orleans Hornets.
Okafor has not lived up to the hype that surrounded him as the no. 1 overall pick, but he has quietly had a serviceable career.  Houston Rockets GM Daryl Morey has a knack for finding the right guys for his team and Okafor can help fill the 7’6” hole that is gaping in the middle of the Rockets lineup like…well we are aren’t going to go there. 

12) INDIANA PACES SELECT J.J. HICKSON, formally of the Sacramento Kings.
Remember him Wiz fans? He was the guy Ernie Grunfeld wanted badly to acquire in the Antawn Jamison trade a couple of years ago.  Well he has not lived up to his hype or potential just yet.  He is an athletic power forward, and we put him on the Pacers for the simple fact that they have one too many slow/white big men.  (Cut to Tyler HansBRO and Josh McRoberts with puzzled looks on their faces).

The Warriors take a pass-first point guard here which allows Curry to play the off guard and shoot at will.  Curry is slightly undersized at the shooting guard spot, but his skills and ability more than make up for it.  Plain and simple this move helps Curry develop. If that’s not the Warriors main focus then I do not know what they are doing out there in the Bay Area.

Stay Tuned for Part 2…

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