Monday, October 31, 2011

The Hypothetical Supplemental Draft Part 2

We posted Part 1 of The Hypothetical Supplemental Draft last Thursday, and since then, two major announcements came from the Basketball World.  The first announcement was that after a couple of days of meetings and deliberation, the NBA had officially cancelled another two weeks of the season.  Right now the earliest a game could be played is December 1st.  The second announcement was that after 72 days of wedded bliss, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries filed for divorce.   We predicted that the wedding would be over before the Lockout was over.  Does it feel good to be right? You’re damn right it does, but we were really pulling for these two crazy kids.  One of the funniest parts of this divorce aside from the fact that millions of people believed it was real, are the actual divorce filings.  Kim filed for divorce and one of her stipulations is that Kris does not have rights to spousal support.  What a world we live in that an NBA player just might need to file for spousal support from his reality TV star ex-wife.  I mean Kim is richer than quite a few NBA players, but the thought of it is still somewhat comical.  The silver lining of this whole marriage sham is that Kris Humphries can go back to being a no one.   But before we get to the stirring conclusion of our completely fake and hypothetical basketball draft please allow us to drop a couple of one-liners in honor of Kim and Kris.

A Bangbros scene lasts longer than Kris and Kim’s marriage.

Kim and Kris were married 72 days ago. Coincidentally that was the last time Andy Reid ordered a salad.  (Actually, He ordered it at his favorite restaurant in Philly. He took one bite of it and sent it back and ordered the triple bacon cheeseburger instead. Nonetheless he still ORDERED it).

I’ve waited in lines at the DMV longer than this sham of a marriage lasted.

JaMarcus Russell’s commitment to losing weight lasted longer than Kris and Kim’s wedding.
 Kris and Kim’s wedding lasted as long as it takes me to eat a $5 footlong from Subway. (Anytober could go down as one of the greatest months in the history of this country)

FOX’s fall pilots lasted longer than Kris and Kim’s marriage.

Even Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra knew Kim and Kris wouldn’t last.

Thanks for bearing with us for those one-liners. We needed to get that off our chest. Now on to picks 14 through 26.

The Suns have the 14th pick thanks to their trade Steve Nash and the 10th pick for  Billups, Fields, Shelden Williams, and the 10th pick.

14) THE PHOENIX SUNS SELECT COREY MAGGETTE, formally of the Milwaukee Bucks Charlotte Bobcats.

Maggette is on a new team every single year.  I mean this guy changes his address more than a convicted sex offender.  Maggette has been accused of being a selfish basketball player and not a very “team-first” kind of guy.  Let the Post-Nash era in Phoenix begin!

15) THE ATLANTA HAWKS SELECT D.J. AUGUSTIN, formally of the Charlotte Bobcats.

The Hawks are an interesting team these days.  After being a pretty pathetic squad for nearly a decade, the Hawks have rattled off playoff appearances in four straight seasons.  Al Horford is a beast in the middle, Josh Smith is an exciting player who plays above the rim, and Marvin Williams is steadily plugging along and trying desperately to stay healthy and live up to his potential.   There best player is Joe Johnson and His Contract; from here on out that is how we will always refer to him.  Could you imagine if that actually caught on? I can just see Stuart Scott on ESPN's NBA Shootaround breaking down Hawks highlights: “BOOYAH! Joe Johnson and His Contract knocking down the open 3!”  Could you imagine the headlines on TMZ? “Joe Johnson and His Contract spotted with Ellen DeGeneres at Mr. Chows”.  And of course how hiarlious would it be at his wedding? “AND NOW FOR THE FIRST TIME AS MAN AND WIFE…MR. AND MRS. JOE JOHNSON AND HIS CONTRACT!”

Through all of that riff-raff, did you notice we did not mention a point guard?  That’s because the Hawks really do not have one.  They traded away the ghost of Mike Bibby last year and now have Kirk Hinrich and Jamal Crawford as their point guards.  Kirk Hinrich isn’t a bad option, but he is not a starting point guard in this league, and Jamal Crawford passes the ball about as much as this guy gets laid.  With all that said we think D.J. Augustin is a good choice here for the Hawks because even though he hasn’t set the world on fire, he is a solid point guard in the NBA and could really benefit from playing with Al Horford, and Joe Johnson and His Contract.

The remainder of players selected were pretty much who we felt were the best players available and best fit the teams that were selecting.

16) THE MEMPHIS GRIZZLES SELECT TYRUS THOMAS, formally of the Charlotte Bobcats.  Athletic and raw, would be a nice piece to come off the bench and provide a shot of energy for the Griz.

17) THE PORTLAND TRAILBLAZERS SELECT JONAS VALANCIUNAS, formally of the Toronto Raptors. (The Raptors drafted this forgotten Jonas brother in the 2011 NBA Draft). Umm he is European and he is tall. There’s your scouting report on Jonas.

18) THE DENVER NUGGETS SELECT ED DAVIS, formally of the Toronto Raptors.
What are bang down low, grab boards, and block shots.  This is the answer to I’’ll take “What Ed Davis does on the basketball court that Danilo Gallanari is incapable of” for $800 Alex.
Davis will be solid down low to do all of the dirty work, and is also athletic enough to run the floor for this upstart Nuggets team.

19) THE ORLANDO MAGIC SELECT JOHN SALMONS, formally of the Sacramento Kings. Salmons has bounced around the league, but has always been a solid scorer.  The Magic could use his points off the bench. Plus we hear he likes sharks so he and Gilbert Arenas should get along just great. 

20) THE OKLAHOMA CITY THUNDER SELECT JARRET JACK, formally of the New Orleans Hornets.  This one is plain and simple, Jack can either start at the point and slide Russell Westbrook to the shooting guard spot, or be a calming presence off the bench.  Either way he is a very solid piece for the Thunder.

21) THE BOSTON CELTICS SELECT SAMUEL DALEMBERT, formally of the Sacramento Kings. Shaq could not stay healthy and could not be the bruising shot blocker and rebounder the Celtics needed.  Then the Celtics inexplicably traded away Kendrick Perkins in a move that can only be described as a trade that derailed their season.  With Dalembert the Celtics get a center who can swat balls into the Boston Harbor and grabs rebounds faster than John Lester grabs the last chicken breast.

22) THE DALLAS MAVERICKS SELECT AMIR JOHNSON, formally of the Toronto Raptors.
The Mavs just won the title and looked like a pretty complete team, however the knock on the Mavs over the past decade is that they aren’t tough especially not in the middle.  They have gone along way in debunking that reputation with acquisitions of Tyson Chandler, Brenda(not a typo) Haywood, and of course Brian Cardinal.  Amir Johnson can join the rotation and essentially perform Cardinal’s role on leg.  He can defend, rebound, and block shots.  But don’t fool yourself though, Amir Johnson is worth about 1/10th of his ridiculous $35 million contract (this is the kind of contract that got the NBA into a lockout in the first place) is not a great player. Adding him to the Mavericks is like adding Cola to Jack Daniels…the Jack is doing just fine on it’s own, but it can't hurt.

23) THE LOS ANGELES LAKES SELECT CARL LANDRY, formally of the Sacramento Kings. Best Player available. I mean seriously, us trying to provide insight and analysis on Carl Landry is like making fun of the massive pimple on the nose of a guy who just crapped his pants. At the end of the day it just won't make a difference...

24) THE MIAMI HEAT SELECT BISMACK BIYOMBO, formally of the Charlotte Bobcats.   
He is an unproven rookie from the Congo.  As Jay Bilas would say, “Bismack is looooooooong” and can help grab rebounds, block shots, and thrown down the occasional alley oop.  But the real reason we had the Heat pick Biyombo is we want to see how awkward it would be when Lebron and Dwade start hanging out with Bismack more than they do with Chris Bosh.  Locker room rivalry brewing….

25) THE SAN ANTONIO SPURS SELECT BORIS DIAW, formally of the Charlotte Bobcats. Because the Spurs don’t have enough foreigners.  Plus, he is French just like Tony Parker and  Tony P.  has alienated EVERY teammate ever since he sexted former teammate Brent Barry’s wife.  This move was made for the simple reason that Tony Parker has zero friends left on that team and will have someone to grab dinner with on the road. Bienvenue Boris!

26) THE DETROIT PISTONS (from trade with the Bulls) SELECT JASON THOMPSON, formally of the Sacramento Kings.
Yeaaaaaaaaa, we know about as much about Jason Thompson as you do.

So there you have it, pass the word along to the NBA for us because only 13 people read our blog and 11 of them are family members. 

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