2 Legit 2 Quip: DALLAS WEEK!

There are some pretty great weeks throughout the year.  The week leading up to Christmas (or the week of Hanukah), Vacation weeks during the summer, and for you girls who decide your birthday should be a national freaking holiday, your birthday week.  But I challenge you to name a week that is better than Dallas week!  Its a week reserved for hating the Dallas Cowboys and letting everyone know about it.  It has been a truly awesome week on twitter, with everyone's anti Tony Romo tweets, and the phenom we Redskins fans spew towards the Cowboys and their fan base. Tonight the 2-0 Redskins head to Jerry Jones's eye sore of a stadium to take on the 1-1 Cowboys.  Romo is listed as questionable, which coincidentally is how many of us Redskins fans feel about his sexuality.  However, he is expected to play because as Jon Gruden says, "he's just tough!"  Sorry Jon, but Tony Romo is about as tough as two sorority sisters in a pillow fight.  What? That never happens? Damn you porn and lies you've fed to us for years.  Also listed as questionable for tonight is Dez Bryant, but the only thing questionable about him is when he will pay off his debts.  We generally pump out our one-liners on Friday's but we decided to work all week and craft you a masterpiece in another installment of our one-liners on game day.  So before you sit back and relax and watch our beloved Redskins cruise to 3-0, enjoy our line crossing personal shots at our hated rivals...the Dallas Cowboys.

Even freecreditreport.com ignores Dez Bryant’s phone calls.

Dez Bryant defaults on payments as often as Andy Reid orders dessert.

Dez Bryant pays his bills as often as Clinton portis scores TDs in 2011.

Dez Bryant will pay his bills on time when Bill Belichick reveals an in-depth injury report.

Dez Bryant will pay his bills on time when the NBA actually plays a regular season game.

Dez Bryant will start paying his bills when his mother pays her pimp.

Not sure which is worse, Dez Bryant's credit score, or Casey Anthonys’, “parenting.”

Not sure which is worse, Dez Bryant's credit score, or Lindsey Lohan's "attempts to stay sober."

Not sure which is worse, Dez Bryant's credit score, or Rick Perry's chances in 2012.

Eastern Motors won’t sell Dez Bryant a car.

Even MC Hammer thinks Dez Bryant is bad with money.

Even Ethan Albright thinks Jason Garrett is a terrifying ginger.

Carrot top is working Jason Garrett into his bit, nickname, “Red-rimmed ring leader”.

The last time Jason Garrett's wife went down on him she received 3rd degree burns. Fire crotch loser.

The last time Rob Ryan saw his feet, Rex Ryan didn't care about women's feet.

The last time Rob Ryan saw his feet, Dez Bryant was humble.

The last time Rob Ryan saw his feet, Mike Vick thought dogs were cute and cuddly.

The last time Rob Ryan saw his feet, Red Sox fans complained and whined and we actually felt sorry for them.  You’ve won 2 rings in the past 7 years…no one feels sorry for this year’s AWESOME collapse.

The only thing bigger than Cowboys Stadium’s big screen is Rob Ryan’s waistline.

The only thing more inflated than Jose Bautista’s statistics is Rob Ryan’s waistline.

Rob Ryan will be missing the Cowboys game on Thanksgiving because he has prior engagements to perform in the Macy’s Day Parade. For those who are interested…he will be floating over 5th Avenue around 9:30 AM. 

Rob Ryan is the answer to the question, “if there were a fatter, more offensive, dumber, and more disheveled Rex Ryan, what would that look like?”

Rob Ryan is the answer to the question, “What would Ron Jeremy look like if he were fatter, greyer, and even more disgusting?”

Dallas Stadium has an opening in the roof so God has somewhere take a dump…not “so he can watch on Sundays.”

The big screen in the middle of Cowboys Stadium is nothing more than God's Urinal cake.

Jerry Jones has had more face lifts and tummy tucks than a Potomac housewife.

If Michael Jackson were alive he’d slap Jerry Jones in the face for giving face lifts a bad name.

Even Joan Rivers thinks Jerry Jones new face lift looks ridiculous.

Tony Romo’s ribs weren’t broken by anything football related.  He was deepthroating Witten at halftime, and that’s what punctured his lung and cracked his rib.

What we didn’t go far enough on that one? How about…

Tony Romo had a punctured lung and played through it.  People thought he was tough.  Not so, Witten’s been puncturing that anus for the last 5+ years.

The only thing tougher than Tony Romo is the audience at a Justin Bieber concert.

The only person tougher than Tony Romo is this guy.

The only thing tougher than Tony Romo is Tony Sparano’s chances of keeping his job after week 4.

Two babies eating applesauce are tougher than Tony Romo.

The only thing tougher than Tony Romo is Lou Bega’s attempt at a comeback.

The only thing tougher than Tony Romo are Rob Ryan’s chances of losing his “baby fat”.

Chaz Bono’s nothing spot is tougher than Tony Romo.

Questions, comments, concerns, please do not hesitate to email us atbeltway.battle1119@gmail.com

Follow us on twitter @Beltway_Battle

And check us out on Facebook at “Battle of the Beltway” for updates, posts, and pictures of Tyler in scantily clad clothing.

2 Legit 2 Quip: Mel Gibson...

We’ve heard your calls, we’ve received your emails, and we’ve twatted (?) your tweets.  It’s been a while since we came on strong with a “2 Legit 2 Quip” and it’s not because we don’t love you all, it’s just that we have been letting some ideas marinate.  We’ve been sifting through some topics and coming up with some good ones, but nothing like the caliber of the one that got plopped into our laps today like a dancer at the Sapphire club in Las Vegas.  But don’t worry, you don’t need to hit the ATM to enjoy this week’s edition of our patented one liners. 

Mel Gibson has partnered up with Warner Bros. to direct (and possibly star in) a movie about Judah Maccabee, who is regarded as a great Jewish war hero, who along with the Maccabean army inspired the story of Hanukkah.   Mel Gibson --who five years ago went on a drunken anti-Semitic rant-- could not be less fit to direct and possibly star in a movie about someone who is seen as a religious hero in the Jewish heritage.  

Who else would be a bad fit???? Don’t think anymore than you have to; just leave that up to us.

Here some other people who are ill equipped to direct certain movies:

Mel Gibson directing a movie about Judah Maccabee is like Chris Benoit directing Daddy Day Care 3.

Mel Gibson directing a movie about Judah Maccabee is like Pat Robertson directing Milk.

Mel Gibson directing a movie about Judah Maccabee is like Michael Richards directing Remember the Titans.

How bout some cheap shots at Mike Vick? Sure, why not…

Mel Gibson directing a movie about Judah Maccabee is like casting Mike Vick to direct the Air Bud trilogy.

 Mel Gibson directing a movie about a Jewish hero is like Michael Vick starring in those commercials with Sarah McLachlan that are on late at night that always make you cry/turn the channel.  

Mel Gibson directing a movie about a Jewish hero is like Michael Vick running the humane society.

And now for the best of the rest…

Mel Gibson directing a movie about Judah Maccabee is a worse decision than asking Ike Turner to be a marriage counselor.

 Mel Gibson directing a movie about Judah Maccabee is like a Klan member (or maybe this guy) leading the Million Man March.

 Mel Gibson directing a movie about Judah Maccabee is like casting Jonah Hill in a sports mov……..wait, whoops.

 Mel Gibson at the helm of a biopic on a Jewish hero is like Andy Reid owning and operating his own Weight Watchers center.

Mel Gibson directing a movie about Judah Maccabee is like asking Casey Anthony to babysit your kids.

Mel Gibson directing a movie about Judah Maccabee is like asking John Beck for tips for spicing up your marriage.

Mel Gibson directing a movie about Judah Maccabee is like asking George W. Bush to record the books on tape version of Moby Dick.

Mel Gibson directing a movie about Judah Maccabee is like asking this guy to spot you on the squat rack.

Mel Gibson directing a movie about Judah Maccabee is like asking M.C. Hammer to be your financial advisor. (Too easy. We almost didn’t put that one in.)

Mel Gibson directing a movie about Judah Maccabee is like asking Nevin Shapiro to be involved in your college football program.

Mel Gibson directing a movie about Judah Maccabee is like CSI hiring O.J.  Well actually he might be pretty good at that job. 

Mel Gibson directing a movie about Judah Maccabee is like asking any Lohan for life advice.

Mel Gibson directing a movie about Judah Maccabee is like asking Dan Snyder to own a professional sports team…shit.

Rexual Harassment

by Ben

The Redskins had a very productive offseason in which they infused the team with youth and talent via the draft, revamped the wide receiving corp, and addressed their glaringly obvious defensive concerns.  This past offseason was abbreviated and quick, and yet it was a very positive one for Redskins Nation.  There was a clear plan to get younger, deeper at certain positions, and set a foundation for a dysfunctional franchise. At the helm of the revamp was by salary cap connoisseur Bruce Allen and head coach Mike Shanahan.  The only question mark for their plan remained at the quarterback position, which has evolved into the most important position in all of sports.  

The Washington Redskins entered camp with two quarterbacks set to engage in a quarterback battle that captivated the DMV, but registered more like a fart in a hurricane to the rest of the country.  But that’s just fine with Redskins Nation because it’s time to fly under the radar after years and years of our owner throwing our team into the spotlight for all the wrong reasons.  The quarterback competition that had our fan base picking sides quicker than when Brad and Jen broke up was held between Rex Grossman and John Beck.  Yesterday the Shanahans announced that Rex Grossman would be the Redskins week 1 starter vs. the New York Giants.  There was a lot of reaction out of Redskins Nation (and a 5 second segment on Sportscenter) with many supporting this decision and many angrier than Rosie O’Donnell when she’s on her period.

There was so much speculation about the quarterback battle on whether or not John Beck was playing with a loaded deck.  There was speculation that the job was Beck’s unless he fell flat on his face, but it appears this media propaganda ended up being false.  This really was an old fashioned quarterback battle in which Rex Grossman came out victorious at least for the first week.  I really do not understand this decision because we know what we are getting with Rex Grossman.  He has been in the league since he was drafted by the Chicago Bears in 2003.  He led them to Super Bowl XLI where they faced THE Peyton Manning and his Colts, but played poorly (2 INTs and 2 fumbles) and the Bears lost.  That was the peak of his powers because Rex Grossman is, well, Rex Grossman.  For those of you don’t know what that is, it is a pleasantly plump gunslinger who likes throwing into triple coverage.  He takes risks that players with more talent than him would never even think of (Cut to Brett Favre looking confused).  With Rex Grossman at the helm our best case scenario is a 7-9 season, and that’s being super positive.  However, with John Beck we really do not know what our best case scenario is.  Beck was given limited opportunities in the NFL and played about as well as Heath Shuler.  With that said, Shanahan has been very high on Beck and Beck certainly does not lack the confidence and moxie that is necessary for all NFL quarterbacks.  Beck played well early in the preseason, but had some of his weaknesses exposed in the last couple of weeks.  It is no secret that he tends to stare down receivers and ended up lacking accuracy.  With enough reps and the confidence of his coaching staff maybe John Beck could be the answer at quarterback.  John Beck is more of an unknown, whereas with Rex Grossman, we know what we’re getting.  I think it would have been a better idea to roll the dice with Beck early on, and if he bombs then turn it over to Rex.  No harm, no foul, at least we gave the unknown/unproven guy a shot.  Grossman probably would not have liked being second fiddle (again), but he is a veteran and a professional and he would have been prepared to take the helm after Beck faltered.  John Beck has been the outspoken face of the team during the locked out offseason, and has been really fired up about being the no. 1 quarterback.  By placing him as the number 2, the Redskins may risk losing a little of that fire, but Beck has some fire on reserve judging by his hair color.  We will see how they both perform in their roles with Grossman as the starter and Beck as the backup waiting in the wings. I hear Vegas has set the over/under at 2.5 interceptions before “We Want Beck” chants starting raining down at Fed Ex Field.  I’ll take the under.

There are a couple of ways to look at the decision to start Rex Grossman because with the Shanahans nothing is ever clear.  The Shanahans are harder to read than when your girlfriend asks “if that girl is pretty?”.  Maybe the Shanahans really are trying to “Suck for Luck” and they think Rex Grossman gives them the best chance at 3-13.  If that is the reason than I’m all aboard! I’m all also “Jonesin’ for Jones” and I could be persuaded to “Go to bat for Matt”.  I think something that cannot be ruled out is the power that Kyle Shanahan holds within the decision making with this offense.  Last year it was he who campaigned to bench McNabb and start his best buddy Rex Grossman.  I think that’s what happened here with Rex vs. Becks.  Maybe Rex was the QB that was playing with a loaded deck all preseason, and his ace in the hole was Kyle Shanahan.  Is Mike Shanahan that dad who desperately wants his son to think he is a “cool dad” so he buys him a Camero for his 16^th birthday?  Not to say that Rex Grossman is a Camero.  He is more like that beat up El Camino that your uncle refuses to sell despite the rust and bum brake pads.  But you catch my drift.  Finally, maybe John Beck is just not ready to take over the offense.  Of course with Mike Shanahan, this could all just be a smoke screen and John Beck will be starting week one.  That’s unlikely, but it cannot be ruled out. 

I’m as die hard as it gets when it comes to the Washington Redskins and I really like the direction the Skins are going in.  The run game looked awesome this preseason with the o-line opening huge holes for cutback artists Tim Hightower and Roy Helu.  The defense will be much improved from last year, but that’s also like walking out of the theater after seeing “Gigli” and saying Ben Affleck’s next movie will be a lot better.  Brian Orakpo and Ryan Kerrigan are going to mutate into “Kerrakpo” symbolizing one of the best pass rushes in the league.   Overall, it just seems like there is a solid foundation being built at Redskins Park that even Dan Snyder can’t get in the way of (at least not yet).  With all that said, I am tempering my expectations for this season which is a big change for me since I predict a 10-6 minimum every year.  This does not make me a fair-weather fan, it makes me a realist.  I will watch 16 Redskins game this year and for 60 minutes I will probably be living and dying on every play just like every season before this one.  However, I cannot see myself being distraught if this season does not end well because there is a plan in action at Redskins Park that we haven’t had in 11 years.  I trust Bruce Allen and Mike Shanahan and I think they will get us back to the top, but unfortunately we gotta fail before we can hail.  Our time is coming Redskins Nation but we may need a little Beckual Healing after being Rexually Assaulted for a few games.

Questions, comments, concerns, please do not hesitate to email us at beltway.battle1119@gmail.com

Follow us on twitter @Beltway_Battle

And check us out on Facebook at “Battle of the Beltway” for updates, posts, and pictures of Tyler in scantily clad clothing.