Wednesday, November 30, 2011

TEBOWMANIA!!!

By Ben


Raise your hand if you’ve been swept up in TEBOWMANIA.  I’m not going to lie to you, I’ve got both of my hands raised.  So how the heck am I typing? You don’t wanna know.  But it could be this Tebroner I’m sporting…



Anyways, incase you’ve been living under Andy Reid’s boob flap for the past 6 weeks, Tim Tebow has sparked the Denver Broncos and led them right into the thick of the AFC playoff race.  It ain’t pretty, but he gets the job done.  Watching a full Denver Broncos game is a lot like that one girl from college that you hooked up with.  Come on you remember her, she was the terrible kisser, and she never quite knew what to do.  But the icing on the cake is that she never gave you anything more than an OTPHJ (over the pants hand-jibber), and you always seemed to be wearing jeans.  Yet when it was over you had a smile on your face and you called her up the next weekend. How did that absurdly visual tale not remind you of a game started by Tebrow!?!? OK. OK. What I’m trying to say is, Timmy Touchdown always starts off slow and a little bit awkward, and even though its never pretty he comes through at the end no matter how painful it was to watch.  And at the end of both the game and that awful hook up you’re left with a stain on your Levis that only the finest dry cleaner can get out.


The dude is a winner, he gets in less trouble off the field than a nun, and yet MANY people still hate him. One reason could be sheer jealousy, or maybe it’s the fact that his passes are less accurate than FOXNEWS reporting.  However, I believe the main reason for the hatred towards Tebow is the fact that he is a little over the top with all of the God stuff.  In America, everyone is entitled to their own religion and can conduct themselves accordingly, and to this I say TEBOW Bless America. Too far? Probably.  In all seriousness, I would tend to agree with the circle of people who feel Tim Tebow is a tad in your face and over the top with his religion.  I get how that might rub some people the wrong way, but like it or not Tebow has a platform in which many people will be able to see and hear him.  Other athletes have done a whole lot worse with their public platforms…



A couple of weeks ago I was told it was impossible to sneeze with your eyes open, so over the past week or so every time I sneeze I try to keep my eyes open.  I have yet to succeed and I actually popped a blood vessel in one of my eyes.  So if you see me walking around and my right eye looks like Charlie Sheen’s after a weekend in Cabo, do not be alarmed.  This is why I am such a big Tim Tebow fan because he loves being told he cannot do something and then going out and proving them wrong.  Granted pursuing your dreams as an NFL quarterback is completely different than trying to keep your eyes open when you sneeze, but you catch my drift.  Even though he was one of the most prolific and winningest quarterbacks in college football history, “experts” and analysts said he would be a fullback or a tight end in the NFL.  

One of his biggest critics has been Trent Dilfer, a guy who completed 55.5% of the passes he threw in his relatively pedestrian career. Trent Dilfer also had a career QB Rating of 70.2…well below what is considered average.  Dilfer has the ultimate trump card, which is a Super Bowl ring, but I think even Rex Grossman could have won a ring with that Ravens team, cut to Ray Lewis nodding in agreement.  Granted Tebow has started way less games than the guru known as Trent, but his QB rating is at 81.1 and he gets better and better with every game.  His throwing motion ain’t pretty and his passes are fairly inaccurate but he has proven time and again that he has a tireless work ethic and his heart is bigger than Albert Haynesworth’s waist line.  As of right now, his intangibles are outweighing his shortcomings as a passer and his teammates believe in him and love him.  You have to believe that his shortcomings as a passer will steadily improve.  Even his coaching staff believes in him evidenced by their willingness to completely revamp their playbook in order to fit his unique skill set.  Head Coach John Fox may have said some unflattering things publicly about his quarterback, but he is beginning to believe in Tebrow based on the fact that he asked #15 to give a speech to his teammates the night before last Sunday’s game vs. the Chargers.  The only person with the Broncos who has not fully bought into Tebowmania may be the most important person, the Executive Vice President of Football Operations for the Denver Broncos, John Elway.  In other words John Elway makes roster decisions and he holds Tim Tebow’s fate in his hands.  But with a 5-1 record what other numbers could Elway possibly be looking at?



I do not know what goes on behind the scenes at Broncos headquarters but maybe Elway is not sold on Tebow because he didn’t draft him, or maybe it’s because Tebow is making people forget about good ol #7.  Only those involved will know for sure, but I've got a feeling Elway is going to becoming around pretty soon.  I mean for Tebow’s sake! This guy is a unique talent and will only continue to improve. 

I’m drinkin’ the Tebrew by the gallon because he is exciting and fun to watch.  Tebow plays a different style of football and his teammates have responded.  He has taken all of the unrelenting criticism in stride and used it as motivation.  While Tebow has gotten all the attention, the defense has truly been the anchor.  They keep the game close enough so Timmy Touchdown can work his magic at the end.  And time and time again Tebow has come through in the clutch when his teammates needed him most. Just ask Rex Ryan. 

Did Tebow just score with :53 seconds left, or did Mrs. Ryan just put her shoes back on?


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Thursday, November 17, 2011

TOP TEN TV SHOWS FROM THE 1990'S

By Ben


Whatever happened to predictability? The milkman, the paper boy, evening TV? While those questions may be rhetorical, this one is not: WHATEVER HAPPENED TO QUALITY T.V. SHOWS?!?! God bless my parents for making boom boom in the mid-80’s thus allowing me to grow up during pinnacle of T.V., music, and video games…better known as the 1990’s.  You remember that time dontcha? When JNCO jean shorts were considered “rad”, and the only shoes worthy of wearing were Airwalks? What a decade, they just don’t make em like they used to folks.  The best part about the 1990’s had to be the quality television shows that were watched by us youngsters.  Thank god we weren’t inflicted with shows like Spongebob Squarepants (a show I not so secretly love), Hannah Montana, and and iCarly.  Just plain unadulterated garbage.

Instead we were given good wholesome shows that pandered to our attention spans with shotty acting, tear-jerking life lessons, and beautifully scored theme songs.  Even Beethoven is impressed with some of the masterpieces that the 90’s gave us (more on that gem later).  It was almost impossible to narrow it down to a list of ten shows. I compare this task with Antonio Cromartie trying to name his favorite child…there are just too many options!  This list is purely opinion based and in reality the order was super tough to accurately come up with. But I’ve done my best.  Now lace up those L.A. Lights, grab a Capri Sun and take a stroll down memory lane with me. (link)


Hey Dude was a classic Nickelodeon show that starred super cool teenagers in acid washed jeans and cowboy hats.  It lasted 5 seasons and totaled 65 episodes, each one as great as the next one.  It took place on a dude ranch in Arizona called “Bar None Dude Ranch”, which is clever because this was the best country western 90’s show…bar none.  See what I did there? Yes, this show was a bit corny but corniness was staple of any 90’s show worth it’s salt.  Let’s be real, 90’s shows had more corn than a poo after a burrito bowl from Chipotle. This show gave us a glimpse at the young Christine Taylor aka Matilda from Zoolander.  I refuse to believe Ben Stiller could pull anyone so hot!  But this show had it all, a quirky boss, a hot blonde, a mischievous main character, and a token Mexican/Navajo.  Singin’ YIPIKIYIYAY! Better watch out for that killer cacti y’all!


How classic is that theme song? Camp Anawanna, we hold you in our hearts, and when we think about you, IT MAKES ME WANNA FART!” Ohhhh Budnick, you red-headed-mullet-rockin-tough-guy-who-deep-down-has-a-gentle-soul.  This show had some great characters, Donkeylips, the aforementioned Budnick, and of course the strict disciplinarian who always had zinc on his nose, Zeke.  Truth be told that was never zinc, but it was actually blow. Come on wouldn’t you be whacked out of your mind if you had to play Zeke everyday? This show is full of shotty acting and cheesy lines, but it is best known for the nicknames of the campers.  “Ug” because his last name is Lee. Get it? Tip of the cap to you Mr. Nickelodeon. And of course “Sponge” because of his ability to soak up information.  The most eccentric nickname had to be Donkeylips, but we never found out exactly why he was given that moniker.  I guess it will go down as another unsolved mystery of the 1990’s like were the actors who played Pete and Pete really brothers?

 
Not quite live, but ready for primetime!  All That was the foundation of Saturday night on Nickelodeon, better known as SNICK.  This sketch comedy show was the kids version of Saturday Night Live and it came on a full two hours earlier so we were able to watch it before throwing on our Ninja Turtles PJ’s and calling it a night.  All That gave us memorable characters like Ed from Goodburger, Pizza Face, Ishboo, The Loud Librarian, and my personal favorite Pierre Escargot.  This show launched the careers of Keenan Thompson and Amanda Bynes, but their biggest star had to be Lori Beth Denberg.  But that has to do strictly with her size and not necessarily her acting chops.  All That also had musical guests at the end of the show, and one of the most confusing moments of my childhood came when Naughty by Nature performed O.P.P.  I ran to my pops and asked him what did O.P.P. stand for and he turned white as a ghost and stammered…”Other People’s Pus-Uh-Problems”. Whoa close shave pops! That my friends is parenting 101. Take notes.

 7) Doug 

Again, just another fantastic theme song, very catchy, and unforgettable.  In school Doug Funnie may have been the quiet and unassuming middle schooler, but in life he was an ICON!  He clearly had the hots for Patti Mayonaisse, and he clearly made her giney tingle.  You could feel the sexual tension between these two through the TV.  Doug and his buddy Skeeter (only I the 90’s could Nickelodeon get away with naming a character that) were always having to deal with the school bully Roger Stotts.  Nickelodeon decided not to deal with race issues in this show by making everyone different color skins, Doug was caucasiain, while Skeeter was blue, Roger was green, and Patti was snooki…I mean turd brown.  Who could forget the transcendent rock group The Beets and their catchy tunes “Killer Tofu” or “I Need Mo Allowance!” Who didn’t need more allowance back in the 90’s? I think we should all walk up to our bosses and instead of asking for a raise, we should start singing, “I need mo allowance, yodalayhee!”




Divorce can be a very tough subject, especially for the kids who it affects most.  My parents fortunately never divorced and are still together, but many children of the 90’s had to deal with the heartache of divorce.  Step By Step provided hope and positive vibes for kids of divorce, in the same way that Lesley Visser does for ugly female reporters.  The Foster-Lambert clan was the all American stepfamily lead by patriarch and contractor Frank Lambert and matriarch and the original MILF Carol Foster.  Step By Step was a pivotal cog to the TGIF machine that churned and burned it’s way into our hearts and minds.  The kids were essential whether it was J.T.’s stupidity or Mark’s absurd brilliance or even Dana and her crunchy granola feminism somehow being tolerable.  But no other character rearranged the landscape of culture or the Lambert-Foster’s refrigerator than Cody. The Codeman became a pillar of cool during the 90’s; he had swag, charisma, and the intelligence of the lovechild of Paris Hilton and Pauly Shore.  This iconic show made us truly believe that we’’ll make it better the second time around! On behalf of America and especially Port Washington, Wisconsin…thank you Step by Step.




It’s a rare condition, this day in age, to not be disgusted by some of the shows on TV right now.  But back in the 1990’s we had the Winslows and their quirky neighbor Steve Urkel.  Who didn’t love Steve and his timeless sayings like “did I do thaaaaaat?” The Winslows were a middle class family living in Chicago led by Carl their police officer father, and Harriet the sultry and raspy-voiced proud momma.  The show was supposed to be centered on the Winslow clan, but Steve stole the show and became the focal point.  Not since the Cosby show had a show centered on an African-American family had so much success.  The show dealt with controversial subjects and Eddie Winslow found himself in the middle of most of them whether it was cheating on a test, getting beat up by gangs, or even failing to pay debts to a pool shark.  Eddie’s pal Waldo may have stolen the show from time to time, but the show was clearly centered on Steve and his unrequited love with Laura Winslow.  The cat and mouse game these two played was the stuff of legends.  On a side note can we all just agree to forget the seasons with Stefan and Myrtle? Ok, thanks.



4) Full House 

How could Full House possibly be #4?!?! Honestly, I the final four are really 1a, 1b, 1c, and 1d.  The final four of those list are like the 4 Aces of the 2011 Philadelphia Phil….oops sorry Philly.
The Tanners blew up the common definition of family.  Apparently 3 men could do the job of parenting way better than a man and a woman.  If only Pat Robertson would just sit down and watch Full House maybe he wouldn’t be so damn ignorant.  Now clearly, Danny, Uncle Jesse, and Uncle Joey weren’t gay, I mean the Tanner house was a revolving door of snatch.  Well Jesse pulled chicks, Danny had his string of long-term relationships, and Joey well, maybe Joey was gay.  I mean the guy did live in San Francisco and wore a lot of tight fitting denim.  But that is neither here nor there, Danny, Jesse, and Joey were the Big Three before Wade, Lebron, and Bosh could even dribble a ball.  Full House had it all; cute kids (how hot was D.J. when we were growing up? I’m talking high school/older sister DJ…not “Lay off my donuts!” DJ), comic relief with Uncle Joey’s impressions and Kimmie Gibler’s antics, and of course the final scene of every episode when Danny Tanner would sit down with one of his daughters and wax something eloquent while tear-jerking theme music serenaded our souls in the background.  Those of use who grew up in the 90’s became used to seeing a house with three father figures, but have recently had our lives altered from seeing what Bob Saget is up to these days.  Does anyone else think he needs to drop this whole raunchy prick façade and go back to his gawky-nerdy-fatherly true self? I think I’m about to have a Danny Tanner moment right now!

Cue the tear-jerking music please: Bob, grow out those flowing locks that made Danny Tanner who he was. Throw on a cardigan, an apron, and grab the mop.  Find that inner Danny Tanner and stop parading around as this man who we all know is not you.  You’re a father first. When you go home tonight, and tuck in DJ, Stephanie, and Michelle, tell them you love them and that you’re sorry you’ve become this coke snorting, raunchy joke telling, absentee father. Get back to your roots.



Roll credits….


Dear America. Meet Will Smith.  Even as a young kid watching this show I knew we weren’t dealing with some TV star, but in reality we were dealing with a star of epic proportions.  Will Smith isn’t even a movie star…he is a mogul. Dude is mega-talented and has parlayed that into Jordanesque money. But back to the show and damn…WHAT A SHOW!  Anyone who grew up in the 90’s can recite the whole theme song to this show. If anyone of us hears the words “Now this is a story…” we will be unreachable for the next two minutes as we proceed to sing “All about how my life got flipped, turned up side down. And I’d like to take a minute, so just sit right there. And I’ll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air. Innnnnn West Philadelphia, Born and Raised. On the playground is where I spent most of my days. Chillin out maxin, relaxin all cool, shootin some bball outside of school.  When a couple of guys that were up to no good. Starting making trouble in my neighborhood. I got in one little fight and my moms got scared. She said you movin in with your Auntsie and Uncle in Bel Air.  I whistled for a cab and when it came near the licensed plate said ‘fresh’ and it had dice in the mirror. If there’s anything I could say this cab was rare, but I thought nah forget it. YO HOLMES TO BEL AIR! I. Pulled. Up. To a house about 7 or 8, and I yelled to the cabbie ‘Yo holmes, smell ya later!’ Looked at my kingdom and I was finally there, time to sit on my throne as the prince of Bel Air.”  Sorry what were we talking about? I’ve totally lost my train of thought. Oh well, just enjoy this.  And this.  And this

 This transcendent show enjoyed an unparalleled seven-season stint.  It tracked the awkward and tumultuous life of Cory Matthews, his friend from a broken home and trailer park Sean Hunter, his nerdy turned voluptuous love Toganga, his hilarious and devilishly good looking brother Eric, and of course the mentor, Mr. Feeny, whose career path rose more meteorically than Lane Kiffin’s.   Cory was awkward and uncomfortable in his own skin, and what made matters worse was the fact that his older brother and best friend NEVER struggled with girls.  Although our brillow-padded friend Cory had the heart of Topanga Lawrence who started out as a nerd but then puberty as very very good to her.  She grew bazingas bigger than Cory’s uncomfortably large head.  The show tracked the kids’ journey through puberty, high school, and even college. One of the mainstays was George Feeny who mentored the young children and although he challenged them mentally, he was always waiting on the other side of the fence for a guiding hand and untouchable advice.  This show was a staple of my childhood and I have missed it terribly.  MTV2 is now showing it every morning from 10-12. Set your DVR’s folks!
  
P.S. If this doesn’t make you laugh then you probably think Jerry Sandusky did nothing wrong…too soon? Forget I said anything and just watch the clip. 



While ordering 10 through 2 was a tougher challenge than hitting a Randy Johnson fastball, choosing number one was a lay-up.  Did I just mix up my sports clichés? Maybe. But I am dead serious about Saved by the Bell being hands down the best show of the 1990’s.  Saved by the Bell combined hilarity with teenage love as well as tackling some controversial subjects such as recreational drugs, drunk driving, and of course what to do when you’re dating a girl in a wheel chair.  Zack Morris and his cell phone led a group of teenagers through the perils of high school and eventually college.  AC Slater was the stereotypical jock who had all the muscles and dimples in the world, but his biggest contribution to the world was showing the cool way to sit in a chair.  Screech was a nerd on a whole nother level then any other TV nerd before or after him.  He combined stupidity, and a bug collection with unwavering loyalty.  Kelly Kapowski is firmly cemented in every spank bank of every guy who came up age in the 90’s.  Lisa Turtle and Jessie Spanos were like Jud Buechler and Bill Wennington of the 1996 Chicago Bulls; they were on the roster and got some playing time, but in reality they did not make much of an impact.  Mr. Belding was Phil Jackson, the Zen master; quirky and a bit off, but my God was he a leader.  His disciplinary style has been emulated by the likes of Bill Belichick, Mike Kryzyzewski, and Tony La Russa.  Principal Belding would crack the whip when he needed to, but that door was always open for a pep talk or pat on the back.  Just look at what this show did for many of the main characters.  Zack Morris is now a mainstay on TNT law dramadies, A.C. Slater will not disappear from the TV whether it’s a VH1 reality show or some hosting gig, and Kelly Kapowski is still insanely hot and played some key roles on shows like 90210 and recently, White Collar on USA.  Screech however is most known for making a homemade porno in which he “dirty-sanchez’s” some poor girl.  Correction, some dumb girl.  I don’t feel bad for anyone who is dumb enough to bang Screech Powers, cut to Lisa Turtle is nodding in agreement.  The days following Saved By The Bell have been the toughest on the career of Jessie Spanos.  After graduating from Bayside High she went right for the bright lights of Las Vegas to become a showgirl in the movie Showgirls. After she flamed out as a showgirl, she moved to Miami where she becomes Al Pacino’s main hooker in Any Given Sunday.  She needs a pep talk from Mr. Belding in the worst way.  I miss this show like I miss hearing John Madden on Monday nights saying “Now-Now-Now here-here-here’s a guy…”  I choose to forget that Saved by the Bell: The New Class ever existed, and so have the cable companies.  I was however a little bit let down when I went off to college and my R.A. was just some power-tripping sophomore who tried to bang all the freshmen girls and not some behemoth formerfootball player who was really just a big teddy bear.   Even though Zack Morris got more detentions than any other high schooler known to man, he was still a role model for young bucks in the 90’s.



So there you have it.  The complete list of the top ten TV shows from the 1990’s. Again this list is completely opinionated and ranking the top ten TV shows from the 1990’s is like ranking your ten favorite porn stars…in the end we are all winners, am I right?

Close but No Cigar (Honorable Mentions): Clarissa Explains it All, Kids Incorporated, The Mickey Mouse Club, Ren and Stimpy, Keenan and Kel, Hey Arnold, Home Improvement (I have no idea how this show didn’t make the cut), Growing Pains, Bobby’s World, The Dinosaurs…Shows like GUTS, Double Dare, Wild And Crazy Kids, Legends of the Hidden Temple, American Gladiators, or even What Would You Do will get their list of Top Ten 90’s Game Shows.  

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Saturday, November 5, 2011

Redskins Ramblings

By Ben



It’s already November and there are so many intriguing sports stories to talk about here in the DMV. 

-The Capitals are 9-2 BBQ Sauce Bruce benched OVI at the start of OT the other night. (Bigger story here is that the CAPS are looking goooooooood!)
-The Hot Stove just got turned on and the heat is starting to crank up. The Nats are going to be big players this offseason. How does B.J. Upton and C.J. Wilson sound?  Maybe they will go after J.T.T. or R.L. Stine too!
-The Orioles are balls deep in the quest for their new General Manager and candidates have been coming in and out like the line at Chipotle at lunch time.
-And maybe the biggest crime is that the Washington Warthogs are still disbanded!

However, in this town the Washington Redskins are king.  It does not matter whether it is November 3rd or July 3rd, the Skins are the top story in the DMV and are the most dissected franchise in the area. With that said, I have got some thoughts concerning the Redskins and I’ve got to get a load off my chest like Lisa Ann after a full day’s work.

Let’s be honest with ourselves Redskins Nation. In the words of the round, mound of sound bites, Denny Green, the 2011 Washington Redskins are who we thought they were.  They entered this season with no real playmakers on offense, a patchwork offensive line, and a two headed monster at quarterback that even the Seattle Seahawks were not jealous of (Cut to Tarvaris Jackson and Charlie Whitehurst A.J.-Hawking me).  If your expectations for this season were any better than say 7-9, then you are nuttier than an 8 year old’s poop the morning after Halloween.  Those unrealistic Redskins fans (of which there are many) got teased by the Redskins 3-1 record worse than they were by their date at junior prom.  It was then that the injuries began to pile up like Big Mac’s on a lunch order by Albert Haynesworth.  We lost the entire left side of our offensive line, we lost Santana Moss (our only “playmaker” at wide receiver), Tim Hightower (who was really looking like a beast in the running game), Chris Cooley (the fan favorite who was clearly playing on one leg), and lately O.J. Atogwe and Fred Davis (the emerging animal) have been hampered by lower body injuries.  Train Rex was absurdly terrible as a starting quarterback, which is exactly what we expected. I’ll admit, I was begging for John Beck at the start of the season and the crow I’ve been eating the past two weeks tastes exactly like you would think.  But what do we have to lose by starting John Beck, aside from another 10 games?  We know Rex Grossman has a habit of how do you say…shitting the bed.  At least with John Beck we didn’t know exactly what we were getting which left the door open for anything better than Rex.  Either way it’s not a great situation to be in as a franchise or fan base, but such is life as a passionate Redskins fan.

The Redskins sit at 3-4 and appear destined to go 3-13 the hard way.  Now before you go jumping off the Woodrow Wilson you need to put it in perspective.  Yes we as a fan base are very impatient, and rightfully so because we have endured one terrible decision after another under Dan Synder’s reign of ineptitude.  However, he has let go of the reins a bit and handed them over to Bruce Allen and Mike Shanahan who have had success in the NFL.  It was pretty obvious that the focus of this past offseason and the draft was on improving the defense and I think overall it was successful.  Adding O.J. Atogwe, Josh Wilson, Barry Cofield, Ryan Kerrigan, and what could have been with Jarvis Jenkins were great moves.  One can only assume this upcoming offseason will be focused on improving the offense.  We will have a top 10 pick in the draft and will likely have an opportunity to select either Matt Barkley out of USC, or Landry Jones out of Oklahoma.  Upgrades at wide receiver and running back will be essential, and continuing to sure up the o-line is also a key task. 

It was pretty obvious that the team Shanahan and Allen were inheriting last year was going to take some time to revamp and improve.  Year 1 of the new regime was business as usual at Redskins Park as our beloved team resembled more of a circus than a football team. The Ringling Brothers were spotted at Redskins Park taking notes.  Mike Shanahan’s decisions at quarterback resemble Jayson Werth’s all too familiar box scores, 0-3. The quarterback is obviously the most important position on the field, so the Redskins NEED to get this right and the 2012 Draft will hopefully cure this problem.  Mike Shanahan is no dummy; his son on the other hand is a horse of a different color.  I honestly do not have the time or patience to write about the nepatimistical (real word?) clown who calls draw plays from the 8 on 3rd and Goal..  All in all, it’s time to relax Redskins fans.  No one likes losing and watching this team every Sunday has become about as fun as watching Gigli.  It’s time to accept that this is a truly mediocre team with a lot of room to improve.  It’s time to take the foot off the pedal and stop expecting this team to compete for the Lombardi trophy this season let alone a .500 record.  Let’s lower this season’s expectations and continue to be patient.  I know you’re frustrated, hell so am I, but if we continue to trust in Shanahan and Allen, we will be rewarded.  Wow, I am totally living up to the title of this article; folks we are in full on rambling mode. I will try to clean it up…

This week on The Lavar Arrington and Chad Dukes radio show Chris Cooley had some choice words for the fans of the Redskins.

“Our fan base hates our owner because he can’t ever keep a coach, he’ll never keep players, he’ll never keep guys around, he changes it and it’s like a fantasy football team to him. But then everyone calls in and says we gotta get rid of Kyle Shanahan, we gotta get rid of Mike Shanahan, we gotta trade Chris Cooley. I hate it, what we’ve got to do is keep consistency over a period of time and continue to try to build.”

As a fan base we have been begging for some consistency after Snyder has spent the past decade firing coaches and overpaying players who are incapable of holding Graham Gano’s jock.  While Cooley is right, we need to show patience and believe in the system that is in place, but this is not the sole reason why we hate Dan Snyder.

Hey Chris, here are just a few reasons why we hate Ol’ Danny Boy:
1)   It costs $90 to sit in the upper deck.
2)   Beers cost more than one semester at Virginia Tech.
3)   He sues local papers for expressing their freedom of the press at his expense.
4)   He charges for parking at training camp.  Read that sentence again.
5)   He’s friends with Tom Cruise.
6)   He hired Vinny Cerrato.
7)   He meddles with football affairs of which he knows nothing about, and he has mismanaged every coaching search he has ever been involved in.

I’ll stop there because my blood is boiling thinking of each and every way Dan Snyder has raped this fan base of our once proud franchise!

Chris Cooley has been a fan favorite ever since the Redskins drafted him in 2004.  He has played his heart out for the franchise and he has played through broken ankles, broken fingers, concussions, and ill-fitting equipment.  I love how candid he is when he is on the local radio and I truly hope he is back with the team next year.  But come on man, we don’t hate Snyder just because he has mismanaged this team worse than the CEO’s of Enron.  He is an uberrich fanboy, yet he has totally forgotten about the fans and makes his decisions based solely on the all mighty dollar..  That is not an owner I want running my favorite team.

My final rant is directed at Carlos Rogers.  This week the 49ers come to town and while Carlos Rogers may be returning to D.C., its pretty obvious he left his hands back at Auburn a long time ago.  This guy has dropped more interceptions than the amount of times DannyTanner had a heartfelt sit-down-with-one-of-his-daughters–with-background-music.  Carlos never had more than 2 interceptions in any season with the Redskins and yet he already has 3 for the Niners.  Rogers has always been a very good cover corner except for when a receiver runs a double move…Seriously, though Kate Gosselin has a better chance of getting another reality show than Rogers has at defending a double move.  I can’t stand the people who are sticking up for him by saying that he played poorly the past couple of seasons simply because he was unhappy and he just needed a change of scenery.  Oh boohoo dude, you were unhappy playing for a franchise steeped in tradition, with an avid fan base, while being paid millions of dollars.  Do you think everyone loves his or her jobs? Hell no, but we all do them and go about our business.  You signed a contract and were still receiving pay checks therefore it is expected that you will play up to your abilities no matter what your mood is. Punk.

Keep you heads up Redskins Nation, our patience will be rewarded.  Stay the course, and never forget to HAIL!

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Friday, November 4, 2011

An Open Letter to Redskins Nation


Fellow Skins fans,

     I guess the most shocking thing about this season is not the 3-1 start, not that Rex Grossman is.,...well..."Wrecks Grosse man", not that the Slingin' Celibate has accuracy problems or would not be a starter for any other CF, I mean NFL team, NOT EVEN THE 3 SOON TO BE 6-7 game losing streak!!  It's the fans reactions to all of the above.

      You mean to tell us, that even after the 3-1 start, with such dynamic players as Rex Grossman, Tim Hightower and Santana Moss (no offense here, they'd be excellent 2nd options on a contender, with the exception of the alien fetus Grosse-man) would guide this team to a playoff berth!!?!?  I'm sorry, but that was NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.  There are just too many holes everywhere, a broken offensive line, your starting RB and number 1 WR out, Cooley on the IR (more on him later);  there was simply no way this team was going to be competitive.  

     Optimism should still be felt around the area for the 'Skins, there is a plan in place, there is a young, very talented defense coming together before our eyes, with a blitz happy evil genius defensive coordinator leading them.  Call me crazy, but in a year or two, the number 1 defense in the NFL will be in our backyard.  Also, lets not forget, that with losing, and lots of it, comes relief in the form of the draft.  In years prior this wouldn't mean a thing because Snyder traded away draft picks like Kim Kardashian trades professional athletes.  HOWEVA, Bruce Allen either spoon feeds The Daniel horse tranquilizers every morning, or Snyder is genuinely not meddling anymore, leaving football brains to do football things; again reason for optimism.  if the Skins aren't drafting in the top 5, trade back, again, get another 2nd rounder, again, and go from there.  The 'Skins need to be in full out asset acquisition mode in the form of the draft, the more they get, the better.

     Two more reasons for optimism, the Shanahans.  Now, before you close your computer and vow never to read our ramblings again...know this.  Mikey has two rings, could turn any one of our dozens of readers into a 1,000 yard rusher, and clearly has an eye for offensive talent.  One more reason, his spawn Kyle.  Has he made some bad calls this year? He sure has, but hasn't every offensive coordinator?  Also, think about what Kyle did with a top-15 QB, one elite reciever and an above average tight end.  His pieces in Houston were Matt Schaub, Andre Johnson and Owen Daniels (I know what you're thinking, ARIAN FOSTER, to that I say shove it, Foster made his debut last year while Kyle was trying to coach the corpse formerly known as Donovan McNabb).  In DC he has Jex Greck (Rex Grossman + John Beck) Santana Moss and Fred Davis.  See what we're getting at? HE DOESN'T HAVE THE PIECES!!!!  Fred Davis, yes, he's the future, but they need a WR and a QB.  Lets get him an above average (slighty, see Schaub) QB, and a top 10 reciever (Johnson is top 3 but he doesn't come around often) and you're GUARANTEED to see improvement, the stable of RB's is better in DC than Kyle had in Houston (i'll take Tim Hightower 3 hours after surgery on hie torn ACL over Steve Slaton every day that ends in Y!), so he can lean on the run game more than he could in Houston, a balanced offense is an effective offense.

    Remember Chris Cooley? Yea, me too. The truth is, he was the playmaker in the offense for a few years, and one of the princes of DC, but now with a diminished role in the offense and a year on the IR, I'm afraid we have seen the last of Cooley.  It's a shame really, and what's worse is they should've traded him before this year while his value was higher.  The Redskins could have gotten a 4th rounder for him, from Chicago to help Cutler, and thus letting him go to a contender.  Didn't happen, the Skins tried to force having two highly skilled TE's in one offense, which we knew would fail, and here we are, Cooley's on the IR, can't be traded, probably will be released....sad really...sorry Chris you deserved better

     Interesting sidebar to the weekend.  The return of Carlos stonehands Rogers.  I understand being disappointed about not being a contender.  But I can count 5 occassions where Mr. Rogers dropped surefire interceptions that probably would've lead to a touchdown.  He has every right to be bitter I guess, we made him feel loved despite his inability to catch, paid him millions, bought his jersey, and begged for autographs.  That's cool though, leave the team that discovered and coached you and made you a millionaire despite your obvious flaws, then first chance you get, throw that team under the bus, class act. 
     
    Chew on those ramblings Redskins fans, but please don't spit em out.  Swallow em, digest em, and crap em out and text me a picture of what they look like.  I promise it won't look as bad as you think.  And if it does look bad...flush it and forget it. The Redskins will be back damnit, ya just gotta have faith.  


Keepin the Faith,


Tyler