Happy Friday folks! Another weekend of kidney crippling drinking and brief but enjoyable rounds of “just the tip” is upon us; enhanced only by triple digit humidity, ice cold Natural Ice, and any number of other bad decisions. Speaking of bad decisions, Twitter is full of people who just can’t keep their moronic thoughts private, most of these being pop icons, athletes, politicians, or the dreaded F-List actor that no one cares about. Being that it is Friday, we have decided to inject some intentional humor into the twitter world (rather than the un-intentional fodder that comes from some of our brightest minds....our thoughts) with our one-liners. Today’s theme is tweets we think should have happened, and these tweets stem from history, sports, music, pop culture, and just famous people being the socially detached idiots we all know and love. Each Twitter handle is provided with a link so it is clear who we are pwning, so sit back and enjoy.
(THESE ARE ALL FAKE TWEETS THAT WE CAME UP WITH. ALL TWITTER HANDLES TOO ARE FAKE. THE ONLY THING REAL ABOUT THESE IS THAT THEY SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED!)
@Ca$hCowling$ --O.J. needs a ride...wonder what this is about????
@TKfirstgoodEuro7: Just give me the rock #Jordansidekick33 and watch me work…
(still lost? Scroll down to “Pippen Without Jordan” section)
@SlipperyPeteUSC: Just bought the fastest most dynamic…uhhh......I mean Just recruited the fasted most dynamic RB!!!! :)
@TherealeffingRizzo: What the eff did @TheRiggzshow want??? My secretary knows he's not supposed to be up here.
(3 months later)
@TheRiggzshow: Screw you @ TherealeffingRizzo. I'm off to Caddie's to solve the world's problems.
@kingwithoutacrown6: #Decision just wrapped, MIA here I come, how many we gonna win??!!!
@roundmoundofsound34: turrrible RT @kingwithoutacrown6.
@JRu$$ellRaidersQB: Number 1 overall 32 mil gurrrunteed. Dang, my throat hurts, Ima need some codeine…
@PHilton69: My boyfriend Rick Solomon just bought me a $400 video camera with night vision!!! When am I ever going to need a video camera with night vision!? ;)
@Gil_zero_value: Javaris and I just got back from shooting some clays. I think we’re gonna go buy some cards…
@DannyWarBuck$: Just inked @FatAl92. at 12:01 AM. I kno b-lloyd and archuleta didn't work out, but this one feels different. it just feels right.
@TheShanaMan: just pulled off a deal with PHI for Donovan McNabb. I can't wait to tell sonny boy!
@J-E-T-Cromartie31: Just got the best gift a man could ask for on Fathers Day! A lifetime supply of nametags.
@TherealeffingRizzo: Just inked Adam Laroche to a two-year deal. Laroche-Werth as your 3-4… look out NL EAST!!
@MrMcPhailbirdland: I just pulled the trigger to get Mark Reynolds!!! Those K numbers are inflated by that big stadium in AZ………right?
@KimyJongillest: here's a bomb drop for you...no seriously…BOOM! #justnukedseoul
@Weinervision: I'm moving my account to MySpace. Check me out! #addme.
@LENdMeaDymestra: Used to call me Nails now they call me broke. #brutalinvestments #bellyupcarwashes.
@WesleysWOKofLife: what's a W-2? #taxesareforpussies
@JustinGuardneedmeyet: Remember me? #irrelevent.
@HonestAbe16: Wife is dragging me to another dang play. #somebodykillme
@SureShotWilkes: @HonestAbe16 I'm right behind ya! #sicsempertyrannis
@HankOcho: Bitches be triflin! #headsberollin
@Colombo1492: if somebody sees a rest stop lemme know! #wherethehellarethewestindies
@BillytheKid: I'm 40. Time to stop callin me the kid. Been divorced twice and I got 6 kids. #alimony
@TransformerSHIA: Megan Fox is married to Brian Austin Green, I banged Megan Fox, ipso facto... Suck it B.A.G. #pwned
@Tigers_outofthe_Woods: Thank god Elin is gone... now the fun begins #ilovestrippers
@RBlags_HairPiece: I have a bunk bed that is up for sale in my cell... any takers? #guiltyascharged
@LLohan: can't decide which shoes to wear with this new ankle bracelet. Twitpic.ankle
@DaffyGadhafi: Palace is getting hammered right now….what’re all those masked men doing on my lawn….better go check it out…
@InfidelKillahOBL: Internets down...can't go on my @bangbros account. oh wait! someone's at the door, i hope its the comcast guy.
@FatAl92: whoa that was an expensive month. 2 strippers suing me, a waitress, alimony, 3 more jet skis, and a new rolls. #thanksdansnyder
@FatAl92: so you're telling me I don't have to play football, and yet I'm stil guratneed all this ca$$$$H? #lovethelockout
@LoadedGUNdyOKST: setting up an eharmony account, aneed suggestion for my profile. All i've got right now is I'M A MAN! I'M 40!
@LoadedGUNdyOKST: Ladies I’m pretty shy so COME AFTER ME!
@HAMMATIME: Yard sale at the mansion. Everything must go! Bein broke is no joke! #uhohuhoh #cash4gold
And now a very special twitter convo we think you should all know about…
@ARoid13: hey @DJturn2: whatcha up to tonight?
@DJturn2: @ARoid13 dude we've got a game tonight.
@ARoid13: @DJTurn2 oh yea i know but afterwards...wanna come over and crack open some Zimas and watch my 2007 highlight reel? #BFF
@DJTurn2: @ARoid13 Nah I got plans with Minka.
@Aroid13: @DJTurn2 tomorrow? #BFF
@DJTurn2: @ARoid13 I got plans. #stage5clinger