Hair Trigger Hype Machine

WARNING: THIS ARTICLE IS PUMPED FULL OF HOMERISTIC OPTIMISM. 

This past weekend we saw two of the more anticipated and electrifying professional debuts in our region since Strasburg K’ed up 14 lowly Pirates.  Both debuts were a smaller sample size than a Jehovah’s Witness’s conversion percentage. BUT, that’s not going to stop us from getting over the moon excited about Robert Griffin III’s 148 QB Rating or Manny Machado’s three bolts in his first weekend in the Big Leagues!

Let’s start with the lesser-anticipated debut of Manny Machado or as we like to call him “Manny Mucho.”  Mucho is only 20 years old and was not expected to make his big league arrival until 2013 at the very earliest.  He was only hitting .266 in Double-A Bowie, which is beyond impressive for a 20 year old, but certainly not knocking down the doors of the MLB. 

I’ll admit, I was a little skeptical of this move and thought it was a little overzealous by management.  Manny Mucho was being groomed in the Minors as the future shortstop of Birdland, yet he received the call up to be the everyday third basemen for the Orioles.  Third Base and Shortstop may be on the same side of the infield, but they are truly miles apart.  Don’t kid yourselves folks, there is a big difference between the two positions, and the transition is certainly asking a lot of a 20 year old youngster.

The reason for Machado’s call up is because the play the Orioles’ have received this season at third base has been a shade above atrocious.  Mark Reynolds and Wilson Betemit have been so brutal at the hot corner, that Webster’s has created a new word:

Betenolds (adj.) a combination of Reynolds and Betemit. It means horrible, awful, abysmal. 

So those were my reservations, and then Manny Mucho came up, started four games, and crushed major league pitching.  No seriously, the dude is flat out raking.  He’s already hit for the cycle…albeit, spread out over four games. But he is hitting .375 with 3 HR’s and 7 RBI’s in those four games.  He was crushing hanging breaking balls to left field and taking outside fastballs out of the yard to right field.  He is making impressive adjustments at the plate that many seasoned veterans still can’t make. Cut to Mark Reynolds nodding in agreement.

Manny Mucho will make a few errors at third because he is still adjusting to the speed and quicker reaction time that is required of the hot corner.  But, that is something we can live with because I’d rather swallow a knife than watch the alternative.

 
 

 

When ShanahAllen traded away a haul that made even Mike Ditka blush, it was clear that the franchise was going all in on an impressive yet unproven youngster.  The fan base exploded with excitement and optimism, and why the hell not? The dude was a cold blooded surgeon in college, his athletic prowess is so impressive that it belongs in the Smithsonian, and his off the field moxie and wherewithal is off the charts. 

Robert Griffin III only threw six passes  against the Buffalo Bills last Thursday, but that was enough to make most of Redskins Nation change their pants six times.  His line read 4-6, 70 yards, a TD, and QB rating of 148.0.  What’s that you say? He lost a fumble? Take a lap and go play in traffic.  This article is about optimism and is not for Debby Downers! 

RG3 was poised, fluid, and his swag had swag.  He was very calm in the pocket and his throws were accurate.  He is going to have to be poised and calm in the pocket especially because the Redskins offensive line has more holes than Casey Anthony’s alibis.   

Bobby Griff was also developing a rapport with high priced wide receiver Pierre Garcon.  In there limited time together, Griffin connected with Garcon for 3 catches  for 58 yards, including a 20 yard TD off a bubble screen.  Nice catch and run Pierre, but maybe a little more staying upright and a little less on the flips.

RG Threesus is most definitely our homeboy, and his future is bright.  He has put a fan base and a franchise on his back.  Manny Mucho is punishing major league pitching and is proving why he is ranked as the #3 prospect in all of baseball.  There is a lot of hype surrounding these two and they appear ready to handle all the pressure that comes with their expectations.

We are fired up! We are jacked up! We are booming with optimism and if you jump in front of this bandwagon you might end up like Jimmy from Road House.

 

 

2 Legit 2 Quip: Things That Are Mark Reynolds's Fault

 We are sick and tired of having to watch Mark Reynolds play the game we love.  He is a bigger stain on Birdland than the one Tyler left in his underwear after eating two burrito bowls.  Reynolds strikes out with a runner on third and less than two outs more than the amount of chicken sandwiches Pat Robertson had on Wednesday. 

His failure to change his approach at the plate is baffling. You would think someone who is hitting .210 with 8 home runs would shorten up a little bit but that is as foreign to Reynolds as 3^rd period French class. 

His defense is even worse! It doesn't matter whether he is playing first base, third base, or helping the grounds crew put the tarp down on the infield.  The man can’t help but make error after error.  He needs to be designated for assignment faster than Andy Reid can say “can I super size that please?”

This whole Mark Reynolds fiasco has gone on far enough.  Therefore our unadulterated disdain for Mark “The Butcher” Reynolds has reached it’s breaking point and we have created a list of things that may or may not be Mark’s fault…but to us he is solely responsible.   

Way to lay off that inside pitch, Meat.

1) The Economy

2) Our country’s unemployment numbers.

3) Famine

4) AIDS

5) Darfur

6) Chinese Badminton Team’s lack of ethics

7) The Misadventures of John Orozco featuring the Pommelhorse

8) British people’s teeth

9) 2004 Olympic Basketball Team 

10) Gianni Forgetting to Pull Out

11) Snooki’s Dad Forgetting to Pull Out

12) The salaries of the cast the Jersey Shore

13) Bachelor Pad

14) Gigli

15) French Judges in the Olmypics

16) THIS

17) Lindsey Lohan’s Drug Problem

18) Kristen Stewart’s philandering bringing down the Twilight Saga

19) 50 Shades of Grey

            Quick Sidebar: It started as “50 Shades of Gay: Mark Reynolds’ Guide to Bro- Mance”. But    then the title was changed, the female protagonist took the place   of a male protagonist and the rest is just housewives and hand grenades, as they say.

20) When the Levees Broke In New Orleans

            Quick SideBar: Mark Reynolds forgot to double check and put the final lock down to secure the levees. It was his only job, but it’s cool…it’s just another error on his stat sheet.

21) THIS

22) The Long Lines at Chick-FIl-A

            Sidebar: Ben had to explain to Tyler why there such long lines at Chick-Fil-A on Wednesday. After going into detail about Chick-Fil-A’s stance on gay marriage and what it meant to go to Chick-Fil-A on “Customer Appreciation Day”, Ty responded with a poetic and hilarious reaction:

            “Or if you maybe if you went in to Chick-Fil-A on Wednesday you just wanted           delicious chicken WITH GAME CHANGING SAUCES.  Seriously though, today's sign of apocalypse is the population is using fast food as a medium to debate social issues. If zombie Martin Luther King saw this, he would go on a face eating rage spree."

…Which is a great segue (did you know that's how "seg-way," is spelled? How weird is that? Mark's fault:  Spelling errors) … 23) Bath Salts

24) Jake Arrieta’s complete and utter lack of command.

25) Brian Matusz’s inability to FIGURE IT OUT!

26) The Redskins (already mounting) Offensive Line troubles.

27) That hot chick at the bar giving you a fake phone number.

28) Greenland is melting.

            Quick Sidebar: Global Warming is real and it is Mark Reynolds fault. Polar Bears hate Mark Reynolds.

29) The Second Mile

30) THIS 

Dude has hands like a deer.