We spent Thursday night in the Thunderdome dungeon, intently watching the NBA Draft, and trying our hardest to compile a NBA Draft Diary worthy of your reading. This is the third installment of our draft coverage and all have been met with positive reviews, so we figured why not try with basketball. For all of you keeping track at home all three of our beloved local teams have done a nice job in all the respective drafts (Ravens don't count and they never will, you need multiple championships for this party). 98.6 % of this was written on Thursday night when emotions were raw and we were very distracted by the sudden resignation of Jim Riggleman. (You should all know how we feel about that debacle, but if not why not give a gander.) Therefore some of this may come off as crass, irrational, and borderline drastic but I assure you it is 100% truth.
Having said that, it's important to understand that this is without question the worst draft class in a decade, with a real chance at being worse than this unholy abomination, if you took the time to check, which we're hoping you did, you'll notice that 1 of the first 4 picks in that draft is still in the NBA.....wow. This is a two horse race between Kyrie Irving and Derrick Williams for the number one pick. With the Cavaliers (which I believe should be the Clippers pick, HA, suck it Donald Sterling, Kyrie Irving and Blake Griffin on the same team, doesn't seem fair, but we'll never know.) Either way Cleveland has 2 of the first 4 picks of the night; the first 10 picks are as follows:
For the lack of talent in the draft there are tons of good stories with the lockout guillotine looming. First is, we know pretty much what Cleveland is doing with number 1. Odds are Irving goes to the Cavs at number 1. (First wrinkle of the evening, if Derrick Williams goes first, where does Minnesota go? In past Drafts, the Timberwolves led by their incompetent GM David Kahn have taken three, YES THREE POINT GUARDS in the first 18 picks. Quick tangent, in the 2009 Draft, let’s say they take Ty Lawson at number 5, who they ended up taking at 18 (and traded to Denver), then with number 6 they take Demar Derozan (who is stuck in the frosty basketball hell known as Toronto). Pair those two with Kevin Love and you could have something....tangent over, back to what matters. If Williams goes to Cleveland, Kahn will be looking at the two best players on the board in Irving and Brandon Knight who are point guards. Will he give in to his point guard fetish or will he reach and go with the Turkish wonder Enes Kanter? The most important question on the DMV’s mind is can Ernie Grunfeld resist drafting another European whose name he can't pronounce? Since its Monday, we already know the answer here, but let’s pretend this is your 14th birthday all over again that was supposed to be a surprise. But, Johnny was talking to Katie about the party, which was over heard by Robbie (who wasn’t invited) who then asked you about the party and asked if he could come. You had no idea about the party so you went to Johnny and asked what the heck was going on. He said “yea dude we are having a party for you, it was supposed to be a surprise, so just act surprised ok?” Remember that? Yea, us too, so just play along when it comes to the 6th pick. Ya dig?
7:28 PM---2 minutes until the draft and we've already touched on the coming lockout, which is so ugly only 8 teams are making money out of 30. I repeat, 8 teams of 30 are making money. The incompetence of NBA owners makes the arrogance of NFL owners that much worse.
7:29 PM--- Fran Fraschilla says about Jan Vesely (guy the Wizards are most rumored to take)“this guy will win a Slam Dunk Contest before his career is out.” Oh good Fran. We already had this year’s Slam Dunk Contest Runner up in Javale McGee, so why not draft a champion? If that’s what the Wizards are concerning themselves with then great, grand, wonderful!
7:30 PM--- What is the deal with the old school theme of the draft tonight???? They’ve got clips of the players in speak easies wearing fedoras. Let’s hope Nucky Johnson doesn’t storm in asking for his collections.
7:31 PM--- Tonight’s theme song is “Rolling in the Deep” by Adele. Great, as if this song hasn’t already been beaten to death.
7:35 PM--- A graphic shows that Clippers had they not traded it away would have received the number 1 pick. I say again, Irving and Griffin on the same team. Really Donald Sterling, you couldn't hold on to Baron Davis for 3 more months in the season?
7:36 PM--- And here is the master of ceremonies, David Stern. A little more charisma than Bud Selig, but a little less than a polished piece of poop.
7:40 PM--- Irving goes number 1. Great pick for the Cavs, bad pick for Kyrie, because in Cleveland bodies of water spontaneously combust. Quick sidebar: Cleveland is one of the worst cities in the country people. We have a story that will explain our deep hatred for this city, but that is for another time…and trust us when we say you will not want to miss it! What NBA scouts are telling us is 11 games at Duke is better than an incredible career at UCONN, interesting. Will he be a top 5 NBA point guard? That’s hard to say because he'll have to compete with John Wall, Russell Westbrook, Derrick Rose, Chris Paul and Deron Williams, hmm good luck Kyrie.
7:41 PM--- Ok so Irving is off the board, and David Kahn and the T-Wolves are on the clock. This is where it gets interesting, because we all know what Kahn is capable of. If you don’t know, just read any article about the NBA written by the Lord of the Blog, Bill Simmons.
7:46 PM--- Kahn disappoints. He makes a savvy basketball decision when we were all counting on him to make a decision on par with this disaster. They take Derrick Williams, but where will he fit in on this roster? The Wolves have two players who play very similarly to Williams in Michael Beasley and Anthony Randolph. Kahn also drafted Wes Johnson last year who plays the same spot as well. Maybe slide Kevin Love to the 5 (he’s undersized and slow) and let Williams attempt to help define the new hybrid power forward position a la Blake Griffen. Nice job there though Kahn, you've absolutely crushed any value Wes Johnson could have had on the trade market. But hey you’ve got Rubio…
7:51 PM--- The Jazz tear our hearts out, and take Enes Kanter. We now sit in a deflated room and quickly realize this sucks balls. The Wizards should've been in the top 4 where the only real “studs” in this draft were and yet we slid to the 6th pick. If the Wiz didn't have bad luck they'd have no luck at all.
7:57 PM--- The Fightin Gilbert’s throw the first curveball of the night and take Tristan Thompson out of Texas. Bit of a reach here; is Irving and Thompson a better pairing than Brandon Knight and Derrick Williams? Probably not. We thought the Cavs would go with one of the big Euros, Jonas whatever his last name is or Jan Vesely. Oh and by the way that sound your hearing is everybody in the front office in Sacramento punching themselves in the testicles repeatedly. They missed pretty terribly on this one, if the Raptors don't take Brandon Knight he would've been there at 7, Knight, Cousins and Tyreke, it'd be the Kentucky/Calipari connection. One more pick down, and Jan Vesely is still available (remember act surprised).
8:03 PM--- Jonas Valanciunas goes to the frozen basketball hell in Toronto. Fun factoid Jonas Valanciunas' idol growing up was Arvedis Sabonis. This is the most painful interview we have ever seen. Jonas' 8th language is English and it definitely shows. Ohh Jonas takes a nice, but subtle potshot at Chris Bosh. He will fit in very nicely in America with that swipe at Bosh. Here is a new rule: we cannot have any nationally televised NBA function without making fun of the Heat.
8:05 PM--- The Wiz are on the clock. Only 2 more minutes until we draft Jan Vesely and the DMV collectively calls for Ernie Grunfeld’s head.
8:07 PM--- It’s official. The Wizards have taken Vasely (SURPRISE!!!) and he lays a big smackeroo on his girlfriend. Sidebar: She is almost eye level with Jan and he is 6’11”. She is without a doubt the epitome of a breeder.
8:07.02 PM--- Jan Vesely has been a Wizard for 2 seconds and we hate him. The John to Jan connection has begun in DC. Give it two weeks before Ovechkin and Vesley are running through chicks in D.C, I can't say I'm excited about any of the above scenarios. However, at 6'11" and the way he runs he could be a nice athletic complement to McGee and Wall. Also Vasely just called Blake Griffin the” American Jan Vesely”......we could be sold. It will also be hilarious when Blake Griffen teabags Vesely the first time the Clippers play the Wizards next season (if there is a season). However, with every Euro the Wizards draft it reminds us of the nightmare that was, Oleksiy Pecherov. He was probably the 7th Euro at the time to fit into the Dirk Nowitzki type player, yea, how'd that work out?
8:08 PM--- Still unable to digest the selection of the chick from the Cezh Republic named Jan. I sure hope she learns how to shave her legs and armpits. I mean this is America, Jan. We like our chicks smooth. What, this guy is a dude? Wow, fooled me. We will call him Jan (like the lady in your mom’s book club) until he proves he is worthy of being called Yon. Congrats, Jan you’re new nickname is J.V. not because of your initials, but because that is your skill level.
8:09 PM--- So Ernie Grunfeld has taken yet another foreign born player. I guess he still has not learned from his previous mistakes of Pope Peter John Ramos, Oleksiy Pecherov, and Juan Carlos Navarro. Well at least we will be in the lottery again next year.
8:10 PM--- We are so bitter. So friggin bitter. I know hope springs eternal, but this one hurts. The best thing any of the analysts can say is that this guy will win a slam dunk contest, and he appears to be a good kisser. Sorry, Jan we don’t hang those banners in the rafters of the Phone Booth.
8:12 PM--- Bismack Biyombo goes to the Bobcats and he is already in the Freddy Adu class where everyone questions his age. If Bismack is 18 years old then Pippa Middleton wants a 3way with us because she is a huge fan of the blog. Bismack is easily 26 years old people, even Dominican baseball players think this guy is lying about his age! Fran Frascilla can't say it enough about this guy having NO OFFENSIVE game, basically you're playing 4 on 5 offensively, and you want that halfway through the lottery? Good pick if you like defense, looks to be a Ben Wallace type, doesn't really matter, Charlotte still has a very bad basketball team.
8:18 PM--- Brandon Knight goes to Detroit—still scratching our heads on how he slid this far. This is a great pick for them, very lucky he slid to them. He's a combo guard but he may be too undersized to be a 2, but good size to run the point and can score thanks to that wet jumper. Has Rodney Stuckey cashed his last check in Motown, or do they roll out two combo guards to run a team? We can’t see that working so someone must go. Stuckey could have trade value, and may be a nice fit for the Lakers?
8:19 PM--- Here is what we’ve learned from the draft after 8 picks: This is the most boring draft we’ve ever seen, 4 of the top 8 picks are international players, and it does not stop being funny hearing David Stern get booed every time he steps to the podium.
8:27 PM--- Kemba goes to Charlotte who is really going to benefit greatly from his services. This guy is a ballsy competitor and a great scorer. He is a dedicated leader who put his team on his back and led them to a Big East Tournament Championship and the National Championship. This guy could be huge and as our wallets learned last March…DO NOT BET AGAINST KEMBA.
8:30 PM--- The Stormin’ Mormon (Jimmer) is officially off the board!! He's going to Sacramento where he'll pair up with Tyreke Evans and Demarcus Cousins. Should be interesting, because those three COULD NOT be more different. Boogie and Tyreke love pre-marital sex and Jimmer is afraid of premarital sex. Jimmer plays worse defense than a rusty gate but MY GOD he can rain threes from the parking lot! Good for Jimmer, maybe good for Anahei....I mean Sacramento.
8:36PM--- Klay Thompson goes to Golden State. Jerry West really like this guy, the only dude in the draft and in the nation that could shoot with Jimmer and not embarass himself. Monta, it's been fun, but you're gone.
8:42 PM--- Alec Burks goes to the Jazz, very interesting pick here. Lots of upside, can create his own shot, slasher type of scorer with a good handle. Needs to improve his shooting, but a jumper for this guy could be pretty deadly, would open up his dribble game if people had to play him more honestly. Interesting pick, maybe a bit of a reach.....maybe.
8:47 PM--- It is at this point we are having a spirited debate in the 'dome about how we feel about where the Zards should go next. Right now GBG is the conductor of the Jan Vesely train, Tyler could be on the train but is currently in the station trying to haggle the ticket guy down into a better deal. (Oh and one of the tumbling Morris brothers was just taken. Camera pans to the other brother who is in tears of joy for his brother, verrry cool moment.) Ok so like we were saying, Tyler is haggling the guy down, Jon is happily conducting the train, which leaves Ben…bitter Ben. Ben is the toddler in the car with his arms crossed and is pissed off at the entire situation (or he is the career sub .500 manager with two Tommy John's to his credit that didn't get his option picked up.....too soon??) Ben just exclaimed, “I’m not bitter, I’m just a jaded DC fan”.....hmm, he's might be on to something.
8:57 PM--- Marcus Morris goes to the Rockets, great pick, better story, I think the Morris brothers should switch and go to the others camp and see how long it takes to figure out who's who. That sounds like an Olsen twins movie. COME SEE MARY KATE AND ASHLEY AS MARCUS AND MARKIEFF IN TRAINING CAMP CAPERS: THE TWIN TOWERS. We think it will take at least a year, because there won't be any basketball, hahahaha, GET IT!?!
9:00 PM--- Pacers take Kawhi Leonard..................................shit. This is the guy we wanted the Wizards to take, and he somehow slid all the way to 15. (Leonard was traded to the Spurs later in the night. The Spurs never make mistakes which only strengthens our point that the Wizards should have taken Leonard.)
9:13 PM--- Iman Shumpert goes to the Knicks...Knicks fans hate it, I love that Knicks fans hate it. How drunk or flat out stupid is James Dolan? He's not bringing Donnie Walsh back, but wants him to stay on as a consultant and help find his replacement!!! Are you shitting me? Could you imagine interviewing your replacement for anything, like ever, for anything? James Dolan, please, PLEASE stop holding the Knicks hostage. Spike Lee's blood pressure cannot take you anymore.
9:21 PM--- Chris Singleton goes to the Wizards at 18. They did need to upgrade somewhere defensively; this guy is 6'9" and can guard 4 positions. Not bad at all, if he can stand in the way of the Carmelo's, Lebron's and Amar'e's of the East, this is a good pick. ACC defensive player of the year, has to count for something.......right?
Honestly, unfortunately, this draft was so bad it was hard to get to number 18 so we'll touch on what else the Zards did the rest of the draft, which was only one pick. In the 2nd round the Wizards took shooting guard Shelvin Mack out of Butler. If you're a Pittsburgh fan this guy kept you up at night after the somewhat shocking loss to Butler in the NCAA tourney. The Mack Daddy absolutely murdered Pitt and made my boy Brian literally inconsolable for days. The 'Zards just drafted their backup PG for the next 5-7 years, gotta be happy with this pick. With the selection of Shelvin Mack, somewhere in a Georgia high school gym Chris Whitney is smiling.
The Wizards take a solid backup guard, a lockdown defender, and some European chick. That is all we've got for you guys tonight, but we've got some good things coming for everyone so stay tuned!
Questions, comments, concerns, please email us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
As always, give us a follow on twitter @Beltway_Battle